Categories: Anatomy of a PhotoThe HardmenThe Rules

On Rule #49: Keep the Rubber Side Down

Sure, turn that thing upside down. (I said it ironically, so it's not bad luck.)

Gobbles already violated Rule #95 this year when he became the first rider to celebrate winning a Monument by lifting his bike over his head as if he were some kind of savage; not a Belgian road Cyclist, the most civilized of the Cycling Breed.

But Rule #49 is another matter altogether. It astounds me whenever I see a bicycle helplessly turned upon its handlebars and saddle while the pilot optimistically leverages every muscle in their face to inspect the vehicle for evidence of its mysterious ailment. (Surprise ending: It’s the rider, not the machine.)

We, the Velominati, we see the Cycling world through a different lens. We see Cycling through the rose-colored lense of our passion and our reverence for the history, culture, and etiquette of our sport.

Hence, I find myself in disbelief to find none other than The Prophet himself, cluelessly riding alongside his team car in 1976 with a spare bike on its roof inexplicably turned upside down. This was the Year of My Birth; I feel a little bit sullied knowing that such an atrocity occurred while I was in gestation. (It also might explain a few things about my temperament.)

It just so happens that 1976 was the year in which Merckx began his irrevocable slide towards retirement; perhaps his failure to spot the upturned steed was an early sign that the fire in his breath was starting to temper.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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wiscot says:

Jun 2 2017 at 10:27 am

@Rick

@frank

@litvi

@frank

@KogaLover

Speaking about Jan Janssen…

Always so classy.

And he still has the same glaring look! Is he just a deeply pensive guy in general, or do the ill-fitting clothes on everyone around him get on his last goddamn nerve?

I think he’s pissed at Dumoulin for wearing the pink jersey with jeans. Not least, for wearing that oversized belt buckle…

The jeans should definitely be black! Rule #15

Boy, Jan Janssen was surely the Clark Kent of cycling, wasn't he? Bespectacled nerd shows up with small carryall and bike.

"Hi, can I help you sir?'

"Yes, I'm here to cause pain and suffering and be awesome."

"Ah, Mr Janssen, sorry, didn't recognize you in civilian clothes. Right this way."
wiscot says:

Jun 2 2017 at 10:56 am

Here's Joop winning in 1985: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewA2Ssh8jVM

The commentary is typical 80s American shit. Zoetemelk didn't "steal" the race, he had two teammates in the break and it was a canny move in that he knew the others wouldn't drag the two other Dutch riders (Van de Velde and Veldscholten) up there. Remember, Van de Velde won the Giro points title three times, young rider in the Tour, the Dauphine Libere.

This, from wikipedia is pretty interesting:

He was distinctive in the peloton for his lean, long-legged appearance, his smooth pedalling style and his long hair. He rode in support of riders such as Joop Zoetemelk, whom he could pace over mountains at impressive speed, but he was also capable of winning on his own. Success came to him early and, he said in an interview with the author Jan Siebelink ("Pijn is genot") that he had trouble coping when that success began to dry up. Van der Velde said he remembered shivering at the start of an Italian race, the skin of his arms wrinkled in goosebumps, because of the amphetamine he had taken just to start.

Addiction to amphetamine and a lifelong habit of petty theft, which he said came from seeing his father bring home things he had stolen from work, brought him into trouble with the law. He was caught stealing lawnmowers and breaking into post office stamp machines to raise money to cover his addiction and his gambling. The jail sentence and the loss of all he had won forced him and his Belgian wife, Josée, to sell the villa they had owned. They moved into a series of anonymous houses and apartments. Van der Velde began hospital treatment for his addiction and became deeply religious. He began work on building sites, rarely saying who he was or what he had been, to rebuild his self-esteem. For many years he tried to keep his address and his identity secret.

Wow.
litvi says:

Jun 2 2017 at 11:23 am

@frank

@RobSandy

I’m just going to say that this is one where I observe the Masturbation Principle. Sure, it might happen, once in a while. But I’m not going to brag about it and I’m sure as hell not going to do it with anyone watching.

But I love the conjecture that the upside down bike so close to the Prophet’s mighty presence somehow sucked the V away.

And its for sure his bike too – not a lowly teammates’ – the bar tape is white, whereas his teammates had blue tape such as on the one sitting on the car’s boot.

Dunno... I would normally agree with you about the tape color, but look at this promo photo. All the tape is white. However, I'm willing to wager that either 1) they went all white for the photo shoot, and for races it was back to everyone else wearing blue; or 2) there are only 6 bikes in the photo so they very well could have all been Eddy's.

That said... have a seat before you take in this monstrosity. I'm sorry to say, I don't think that race photo was an anomaly. (trigger warning: this fucker will cause you immense pain and suffering, and substantial V drainage; look at it quickly then avert your eyes and pretend it never happened. Unfortunately this may be one of those things you can't un-see.)
frank says:

Jun 2 2017 at 11:24 am

@wiscot

Here’s Joop winning in 1985: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewA2Ssh8jVM

The commentary is typical 80s American shit. Zoetemelk didn’t “steal” the race, he had two teammates in the break and it was a canny move in that he knew the others wouldn’t drag the two other Dutch riders (Van de Velde and Veldscholten) up there. Remember, Van de Velde won the Giro points title three times, young rider in the Tour, the Dauphine Libere.

This, from wikipedia is pretty interesting:

He was distinctive in the peloton for his lean, long-legged appearance, his smooth pedalling style and his long hair. He rode in support of riders such as Joop Zoetemelk, whom he could pace over mountains at impressive speed, but he was also capable of winning on his own. Success came to him early and, he said in an interview with the author Jan Siebelink (“Pijn is genot”) that he had trouble coping when that success began to dry up. Van der Velde said he remembered shivering at the start of an Italian race, the skin of his arms wrinkled in goosebumps, because of the amphetamine he had taken just to start.

Addiction to amphetamine and a lifelong habit of petty theft, which he said came from seeing his father bring home things he had stolen from work, brought him into trouble with the law. He was caught stealing lawnmowers and breaking into post office stamp machines to raise money to cover his addiction and his gambling. The jail sentence and the loss of all he had won forced him and his Belgian wife, Josée, to sell the villa they had owned. They moved into a series of anonymous houses and apartments. Van der Velde began hospital treatment for his addiction and became deeply religious. He began work on building sites, rarely saying who he was or what he had been, to rebuild his self-esteem. For many years he tried to keep his address and his identity secret.

Wow.

Amazing; but to be clear that is Van der Velde, not Janssen that the passage is talking about...
litvi says:

Jun 2 2017 at 11:36 am

@frank

@ErikdR

@KogaLover

Yes, yes, goodness yes – I’ll never forget that as long as I live. 1985. 38 years old (Not me; Joop. I was 27 at the time). Thirty-eight! A strong field including Greg LeMond, Moreno Argentin, Stephen Roche… Joop sneaking off on the left side of the road, out-foxing the lot of ’em – and Mart Smeets, the Dutch sports commentator, utterly losing his shit. Good times. (I must have been peeling a lot of onions at the time, because there was a very distinct trace of salty liquid in the corners of my eyes when Joop crossed the line that day…)

Magic. Nah, lads. Let that orange jersey go up the road. That cat’s too old to be dangerous.

5:39 "frankly Gary I'm a little surprised we've had a crash like this in a pro road race."

I can't even...
frank says:

Jun 2 2017 at 11:45 am

@litvi

@frank

@RobSandy

I’m just going to say that this is one where I observe the Masturbation Principle. Sure, it might happen, once in a while. But I’m not going to brag about it and I’m sure as hell not going to do it with anyone watching.

But I love the conjecture that the upside down bike so close to the Prophet’s mighty presence somehow sucked the V away.

And its for sure his bike too – not a lowly teammates’ – the bar tape is white, whereas his teammates had blue tape such as on the one sitting on the car’s boot.

Dunno… I would normally agree with you about the tape color, but look at this promo photo. All the tape is white. However, I’m willing to wager that either 1) they went all white for the photo shoot, and for races it was back to everyone else wearing blue; or 2) there are only 6 bikes in the photo so they very well could have all been Eddy’s.

That said… have a seat before you take in this monstrosity. I’m sorry to say, I don’t think that race photo was an anomaly. (trigger warning: this fucker will cause you immense pain and suffering, and substantial V drainage; look at it quickly then avert your eyes and pretend it never happened. Unfortunately this may be one of those things you can’t un-see.)

I suspect they are all Eddy's bikes - the lead photo clearly shows the other two bikes with blue tape.
KogaLover says:

Jun 2 2017 at 11:46 am

@litvi

Inline dancing! Let's dance, put on your black shoes and dance the blues.
litvi says:

Jun 2 2017 at 11:56 am

@frank

@litvi

@frank

@RobSandy

I’m just going to say that this is one where I observe the Masturbation Principle. Sure, it might happen, once in a while. But I’m not going to brag about it and I’m sure as hell not going to do it with anyone watching.

But I love the conjecture that the upside down bike so close to the Prophet’s mighty presence somehow sucked the V away.

And its for sure his bike too – not a lowly teammates’ – the bar tape is white, whereas his teammates had blue tape such as on the one sitting on the car’s boot.

Dunno… I would normally agree with you about the tape color, but look at this promo photo. All the tape is white. However, I’m willing to wager that either 1) they went all white for the photo shoot, and for races it was back to everyone else wearing blue; or 2) there are only 6 bikes in the photo so they very well could have all been Eddy’s.

That said… have a seat before you take in this monstrosity. I’m sorry to say, I don’t think that race photo was an anomaly. (trigger warning: this fucker will cause you immense pain and suffering, and substantial V drainage; look at it quickly then avert your eyes and pretend it never happened. Unfortunately this may be one of those things you can’t un-see.)

I suspect they are all Eddy’s bikes – the lead photo clearly shows the other two bikes with blue tape.

I think I agree they are all Eddy's bikes. Which gives us a much better explanation for the final chapter: the last nail in the coffin was having his bikes mounted upside down, on purpose, repeatedly. As it turns out, not even the Prophet could withstand that barrage of open and notorious disdain for the Rules. Such a tragedy.
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 2 2017 at 12:01 pm

@frank

@KogaLover

Speaking about Jan Janssen…

Always so classy.

Jeazhus fucking Christ, is he an extra in a Fellini film here???
Buck Rogers says:

Jun 2 2017 at 12:06 pm

@frank

@ErikdR

@KogaLover

Yes, yes, goodness yes – I’ll never forget that as long as I live. 1985. 38 years old (Not me; Joop. I was 27 at the time). Thirty-eight! A strong field including Greg LeMond, Moreno Argentin, Stephen Roche… Joop sneaking off on the left side of the road, out-foxing the lot of ’em – and Mart Smeets, the Dutch sports commentator, utterly losing his shit. Good times. (I must have been peeling a lot of onions at the time, because there was a very distinct trace of salty liquid in the corners of my eyes when Joop crossed the line that day…)

Magic. Nah, lads. Let that orange jersey go up the road. That cat’s too old to be dangerous.

Hadn't LeMan chased down every fucking guy that went up the road to that point and finally he just said, "fuck it, I'm not chasing another guy down" and, of course, that "guy" ended up winning it. LeMan was so fucking strong. He took second in the sprint if I remember correctly through that haze of Grand Marnier on a Friday night in Germany with a big ride set for tomorrow.