Categories: The Rules

Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Not European, Not a Satchel.

Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3@comcast.net/EPMS/”/]

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

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  • @Beers so you must be north of the Bombay's, we need a Kiwi Cogal, Whanganui-Turoa carpark day 1, Ohakune-Wanganui day 2 ? Labour Weekend ?

  • @piwakawaka I'm up for something like that. Stratford road club's Taumaranui to Stratford for the forgotten highway is on Sunday 13th October, if you like that sort of thing.  Just about the best road in the world, so you should...

  • @scaler911

    Here's Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

    I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

    All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

    That lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

    Anything under the seat is an abomination.

    Nobody is buying the "nod to sew-ups, old school" thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

    The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

    I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

    Anything else?

  • @piwakawaka Shit the bed that would be massive... Around the puddle is about the extent of it for me this year, would be two months from peaking at LW, but I'll definitely keep an eye on any plans. Have a feeling there are plenty lurkers about, you can but try..?

  • via the forgotten highway, I should say.  Gianni, that bag is as ugly as sin, although I'm not really convinced of the whole anti-epms thing in places where jackets and warmers go on and off all day.  Not to underestimate the importance of looking great at all times etc, but I'd rather be in some small way uncompliant than ever have to suffer the indignity of calling for help because I'm packing a solitary co2 canister to preserve pocket room.

  • @Mikael Liddy

    @San Tonio

    I'll just leave this here :

    about fucking time this made an appearance.

    Seriously Gianni, what the fucking fuck?

    How much more than what's below do you need? That zips up & goes in the middle pocket, phone goes in a jersey bin (waterproof) in a side pocket leaving that & the other side pocket free for food/clothes/whatever.

    Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça? Where does one get this thing? I love the mesh pocket. This is not an unorganized piece of amphibian shit, at all.

  • @PeakInTwoYears

    @Mikael Liddy

    @San Tonio

    I'll just leave this here :

    about fucking time this made an appearance.

    Seriously Gianni, what the fucking fuck?

    How much more than what's below do you need? That zips up & goes in the middle pocket, phone goes in a jersey bin (waterproof) in a side pocket leaving that & the other side pocket free for food/clothes/whatever.

    Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça? Where does one get this thing? I love the mesh pocket. This is not an unorganized piece of amphibian shit, at all.

    +1 I want to know where this comes from as well. I've searched the internets to my best ability and cannot find it. I want one.

  • @Beers

    @Marcus

    @Beers

    Can't quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there...

    Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!

    You kind of lost me at the inhaler part Spalding.

    Uh, asthmatic? Point being it is as large as another CO2. WTF is the Spalding reference, Poindexter?

    I can't say for sure, but I think this is what he's referring to.

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