Categories: The Rules

Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Not European, Not a Satchel.

Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3@comcast.net/EPMS/”/]

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

View Comments

  • @Marcus

    @Beers

    @Marcus

    @Beers

    Can't quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there...

    Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!

    You kind of lost me at the inhaler part Spalding.

    Uh, asthmatic? Point being it is as large as another CO2. WTF is the Spalding reference, Poindexter?

    Spalding: "what about my asthma"
    Judge Smells: "I'll give you asthma"

    If that doesnt make sense to you, what you put in your pockets is the least of your problems.

    Caddy s(h)ack and asthma, I see what you did there...

  • @Gianni

    @Buck Rogers

    @Gianni Yes, but at least it seems to be a smoke filled van. Could be worse.

    Love the Van. Love that movie. And no, I don't think I'd be allowed on West Point.

    Well you could, but you'd need this:

  • @frank

    @tessar

    @Deakus

    5. Who is better than the ASSOS girl!

    A girl with real legs!

    And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.

    @Buck Rogers

    The upsetting bit is that the bike she is on is Kiwicyclist's (he posts here from time to time), she is in Melbourne and I have never seen her. Go to Fyxo for a full gallery.

  • @frank

    And a general note: stop carrying so much shit, people. Minimize, everything goes in the middle pocket - phone, id, cash, tube, levers, patches, mini tool. If it doesn't fit, get smaller tools, don't buy bigger bags.

    Merckxdamnit.

    This. For the love of Merckx, this.

    Look after your things and they will look after you. Until they don't, that's where the best stories begin. Kinda like this http://dirtbagdiaries.com/benighted

  • Looks like the bait has well and truly been taken since i first looked at this post.

    Have to say though :

    I can't prove that its an EPMS. But when I see a bird that quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, has feathers and webbed feet and associates with ducks"”I'm certainly going to assume that it is a duck

    Mmmmm,

  • @EricW

    @Ron I must really like all you imaginary people in my computer to change my behavior because of you. Repacked stuff into two slim zipper packs in left and right pockets. Ditched the large multitool for a small lighter one. Seems to work ok with a second bidon in the center pocket. I feel like I'm tempting fate by not carrying a chainbreaker though, so I have a couple of master links.

    If I hurt myself carrying all this crap, I swear I'll going to find you and superglue the biggest damn EPMS I can find to your seat. Same goes for @Frank.

    A chain breaker? FFS, if you need to carry a chain breaker you have some serious maintenance problems.

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