Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?
Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?
I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.
When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.
Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.
What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3@comcast.net/EPMS/”/]
What. The. Fuck?? Even I’m appalled, and I’m not Frank.
Too: I think we’ve just figured out why your saddle is flaccid.
(Gandolf voice) “Keep it hidden. Keep it safe.” Still an EPMS and still a Flamingo. It could be ideal for a jersey pocket.
Keep it coming haters. I’m going out for a ride. I’ll deal with this later.
That looks a lot better than my Jersey Bin I bought a few years ago.
http://www.jerseybin.com/
The only thing that should EVER be under your saddle is a tubular strapped on with a spare toe clip strap.
Saddle bags are some amateur shit, yo.
Gianni! For fucks sake, man.
That “thing” strapped under your saddle looks worse than a EPMS, if that is possible.
Maybe living in paradise has somehow infected you with a tropical, brain-wasting disease.
@Gianni
Jesus FUCK’IN Christ, Gianni! You hitting the sauce early today or something??? Not only are you masterbating in public here, you have it on a wide screen live feed.
Keep that shit in the bedroom/bathroom, man, for God’s sake!
Tut tut, Gianni. You can fit phone, credit card, tube, patches, levers, spare change in a medium sized Caddy sack and get that in a middle back pocket together with mini pump.
A good alternative are airline in-flight goodie bags (I hesitate to say cosmetics bags!). They are an ideal size and have zips not Velcro that can catch and knacker your jersey.
Merckx. What is that sorry looking thing? I feel so much pity, I’m might have to send you some extra sew ups I have laying around.
The ideal solution for things in pockets. Save your money for more carbon bits or something.
I’m with Ryder on this one… He is Canadian after all.
I’m useless at packing (just ask Mrs Engine) and even I can get everything in my pockets even in mid-winter.
Ziploc bags are the greatest invention in the world apart from the bicycle – it’s been observed that you can tell an off duty cyclist round these parts because all their possessions are in Ziploc freezer bags.
http://youtu.be/XvqZwAR6Uio says it all
@the Engine
I need to show this post to my VMH!!! You have no idea how much shit she gives me b/c I refuse to use a wallet and just use a ziplock for all my ID’s, credit cards and cash all the time.
I’m a rule breaker. I have a Micro Caddy SM on my saddle: http://www.lezyne.com/en/products/organizers/caddys#!micro-caddy-s-m
I also carry a Caddy Sack (older version than the one listed here) in my jersey when I go on longer rides.
I’m having visions of chunky inner thighs bouncing against an overstuffed saddle bag, causing it to sway from side to side on each pedal stroke. My Ti railed Selle Italia also cringes at the thought of being sullied in such a fashion.
Then you’ve got tryathletes buying bikes with Tupperware bins mounted on their seatmast, I can only assume that they’re storing compression sleeves, carbon fibre drinking straws, and salt tablets in that thing.
Personally, I think that looks worse than having a EPMS. I tried removing my EPMS and putting everything in my jersey pockets, but I just didn’t care for. I bought the Lezyne caddy sack, but if it was packed with my phone, cards, tube, levers, co2 etc it wouldn’t fit in some of my center pockets on certain jerseys.
It’s very easy for a pro, who has a support car, not to carry a EPMS…but us regular joes have fewer options. Now that I have a Fizik saddle I may go with something like this http://www.fizik.it/en/accessories/bags/Saddle-pak/
Gianni.
A very slick yet (non-)alternative. Let’s face it bulging pockets are sexy. I do keep 3xCO2, i valve, 2 tire levers and some cut up inner tubes for boots in a handy pocket size zip up pouch in my center pocket. Spare tube in rear right pocket and phone and protein bar in rear left.
@Buck Rogers
They’re great in canoes (if you need to transport your steed over an unjumpable/unfordable body of water) and (should you be trying to evade capture) they’re handy out in the hills too. I’m surprised the US Army doesn’t have an over engineered version costing $50 a time for issue to special forces.
In passing – condoms are almost as useful as Ziploc bags for waterproof storage (and water transportation in a pinch). However for reasons that elude me people look at you in a funny way if you take your cash out of one at a cafe stop. Maybe I should stop using the coloured ones…
Not sure what’s worse, the clear violation of Rule #29 or that saddle. Just hideous in every possible respect.
Also, I use one of these and stuff it in my center pocket:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/101356167/mopha-tool-roll-black-with-white-toe?ref=related-1
I throw one extra tube in the center as well. Left pocket is for cell phone (I have a case that holds credit cards, face it out to avoid sweat on the screen) right pocket is for ride food.
Get it together….this post makes me want to puke.
@Scott
Some of the guys at the club use these but they always remind me of a gentleman’s wrinkled retainer
No hold on a minute. Have we seen full photos of that new whip yet? Did I just miss them? Looks sexy as fuck.
I have that bag as well and I have to say I don’t like them. They’re too tall and stick out of my jersey pockets.
My setup: tool, tube, lever, stick-on patches, CO2 in the old Lezyne zippered Caddy Sack. (You might be able to find one, but I don’t think they sell them any longer). Center pocket.
Scicon Pocket Protector with wallet and phone in right pocket. I just scored a new Nokia 2610 on fleabay. Switched from AT&T to Verizon and needed a new phone. They wanted to sell me fancy phones in the store, but I love small, simple, old phones. Picked it up for $30, then spent two hours on the phone with tech support because they really didn’t want to set it up. But, it works! And now, being on the father-in-laws family plan my monthly bill just went from $42 to $12. Guess where that $30 goes? Bike parts!
Gianni, I’m glad you are a team player! From the initial responses, it looks like this is going to be a team-wide flogging you’ve scored yourself. Take cover.
My initial reaction to this was “EPMS by the back door”. Has Gianni read Animal Farm ?
My wife has a small purse much like that as well.
@Gianni
Thin ice, Gianni. Extremely thin ice.
@strathlubnaig
“Life will go on as it has always gone on””that is, badly.”
Like the pros, I would rather keep to the spirit of the rules than the letter. I just can’t bring myself to follow #29. I’d rather carry the spare tube, levers and wallet in the EPMS, leaving my pockets with a minimum of clutter.
Speedsleev.com , that is what i use…
@the Engine
Ha! Well, we always have plenty of condoms in the medshed, even in Iraq and Afghan we had plenty to hand out (though there was not supposed to be any sex going on–General Order #1 and all that).
Didn’t Slim Pickens have some condoms in his survival pack in “Dr Strangelove”?
This has to be a troll. Has to be. You’re a Keeper for Merckx fucking sakes……..
@ridebikesdrinkbeer
This.
I save weight and money by leaving the credit card at home… @BianchiDenti always has a credit card.
@Scott
Surely this is the perfect reason to buy new jerseys
@brett Wait a minute…didn’t you post an ode to the EPMS a few months ago?
Also, that’s a beautiful Serotta. Shame they ceased operations.
I’m torn… Used to have an EPMS and then discovered the meaning of life (AKA The Rules). Then got a bidon style carrier from BBS and used that for a while. Then became pissed at the constant rattle and loss of fluid carrying capacity so have switched back to my EPMS for the daily commute. May decide to ditch the fucking lot and hope for a miracle…. aghhh
@Gianni I’m with you, even if everyone thinks you’ve lost your mind like @Brett. That said, I contend mine isn’t a “satchel” since it isn’t enclosed.
@G’rilla
I was waiting for this. Not an ode, a one-off, unsuccessful experiment in getting around Rule #29. You just can’t.
And in my (indefensible) defense, the fizik EPMS looks way better than any of the abominations posted here so far. It looks especially good buried wherever it is now though.
I love the way Gianni dropped this bomb and then pissed off on a ride. He must have nothing planned for the rest of the day and is looking forward to a good laugh, reading our debate. Respect.
Another post that will garner 200+ comments.
A truism that all Velominati must embrace is that the aesthetics of the bike are not to be detracted from. Indeed, the rider on a bike is much like a guy in a porn movie: no one looks at that, but it is equipment that has to be there.
Thus, the trick is to minimize the mass of shitte that you carry along. Since my road tubeless conversion, I am pondering a switch from CO2 to the pump for a couple of reasons. @frank claims the Lezyne pump actually weighs less than CO2 (which model do you have? There is a really small one that is likely smaller than 2x 16 oz CO2 cannisters.) And as I discovered on my first tubeless puncture, the tyre seals quickly with the latex, and a few strokes of a pump likely bring it back to normal operating pressure (105psi for me) and the CO2 would be overkill. And…CO2 does have an endothermic expansion that is profound. I suspect water based latex might not play well.
So, I don’t carry tubes, only an inflation system and a multitool and a wee bit of latex. This is quite small, and goes in the center pocket, leaving me with a bike with no distractions.
The iPhone, credit cards/ cash and a AAA card (that includes bike services) goes in a ziplock.Unlike some pro riders, I am cash conscious.
Jeezus, Mary and Joseph….I come here looking for hardman cycling inspiration, only to find I’ve been redirected to the goddamned Velo Orange blog site.
@max columbus
Au contraire! Bulging pockets are not sexy. They make you look like a fucking gringo off on his holidays. What’s the point in looking as pro as possible with a nice clean steed then messing everything up with three gigantic buboes on your lower back?
I say chapeau Gianni – you’re a brave man for posting this. I notice Frank hasn’t posted yet – probably walking around Seattle in a shocked daze crying out to no-one in particular “why? Why? for fuck’s sake why? He’s a Keeper FFS, he knows better!””
No, No and No again.
Not only does your saddle break the cardinal unwritten rule (Middle 1/3 always level), but dangling some grey saggy sack underneath the saddle to rattle and spoil a group ride?
Jersey pockets + gripping + objects into pockets…simple. No more ugly seat furniture please.
@brett
…and a multi-tool. Screw you, you milky coffee drinking serial rule breaker.
I can fit a phone, tube, levers, cards, small multi-tool, separate chain tool and house keys into a Lezyne Caddysack. Thats still leaves 2 pockets free for me to carry Brett’s food and his spare tubes. And I still don’t need an EPMS.
I blame the size of smartphones. Let dumbphone users be united by their effective space utilisation!!!
@Tugman
You had better get used to it.
@mcsqueak
+1 C’mon, Gianni, you may lose Keeper status.
@brett
Sorry @brett, better looking does not elimate “still looks like shit”
And @Gianni – what the fuck! I don’t care if you can tear my pedalwan legs off, get that fucking thing off your bike. I worked way too hard (mentally) to get over my EPMS-love to have a Keeper throw what looks like an oversized maxi-pad under their saddle.
The coolest scrotum in the world, assuming such a thing exists, is still a scrotum. I tend to only like one dangling between my legs at all times including rides, but maybe that’s just me.
@Gianni fuckity fuck fuckster fucking what has happened round here? I had to check it was not April Fools Day! There is no point lecturing what the rest of the sane world has already pointed out….my only question is in the name of the lord almighty…….WHY?
You wait till Frank sees what you have done….!
@wiscot
Come on hard men. The only reason bulging pockets look bad is because the bulge in the front of your jersey pulling them tight. Lose the spare around your center you will be fine. Refer to Rule #5. and stop with the Rule #29 violations.
Dam I think I just threw up in my mouth a little with all this crying about bulging pockets. Enough already!
@Gianni Here, try something from these guys…
http://www.loksak.com/
I swan, surfed, and snorkeled all over the islands with one of these in my pocket. I still use it to keep the sweat off the iPhone when I’m on a ride. Holds cash and cards too.
The idea is that if a bike is properly tuned and prepped for the ride then only a minimum of gear is needed and that minimum of gear goes in the pockets. Following the path isn’t about comfort. It’s about embracing the glorious discomfort of riding like a pro… even if you only just look the part (so all y’all bitching about “no support car” or “not a pro” can stow it)
Rule #5 FFS!