Categories: The Rules

Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Not European, Not a Satchel.

Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3@comcast.net/EPMS/”/]

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

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View Comments

Mikael Liddy says:

Aug 28 2013 at 8:05 pm

@JACD214 @PeakInTwoYears this was where I sourced mine, just didn't buy the bidon.

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/321119325444?var=510115101863&ssPageName=STRK:MEWNX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1439.l2649#ht_857wt_905

Seems like the seller has ended the listing, but perhaps get in touch & see if there are some of the cases left.
eightzero says:

Aug 28 2013 at 8:18 pm

@Gianni

@scaler911

Here's Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

Anything under the seat is an abomination.

Nobody is buying the "nod to sew-ups, old school" thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

Anything else?

The Lord Almighty Merckx thinks I'm gonna get through this, but He's pretty sure you're fucked.
mouse says:

Aug 28 2013 at 8:34 pm

@Gianni

@scaler911

Here's Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

Anything under the seat is an abomination.

Nobody is buying the "nod to sew-ups, old school" thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

Anything else?

I'm with you Gianni. The reason that Ryder uses an EPMS when he's training is that he isn't racing. He's used to not carrying a whole bunch of shit in his pockets.

This brings up a conumdrum that the Rule doesn't adequately address. The Rule states effectively that Ryder isn't Pro when he's training but is when he's racing.

For my part, when I'm training, I have a the smallest EPMS (SciCon) that carries one tube, one C02 cannister, One tiny multitool and levers. Phone and wallet in centre pocket inside ziplock bag. When i'm racing, it all comes off.
freddy says:

Aug 28 2013 at 8:57 pm

A few things happened after I joined Velominati. The first thing was ditching the EPMS. Then I started taking better care of my bike. Next, the stem was lowered. After that, a succession of refining acts that included minimizing useless crap in my jersey pockets. The Rules were my guide. My cycling joy has increased.
stumpy says:

Aug 28 2013 at 9:38 pm

Cute man-purse. Back in the day we had sew-ups, or tubes neatly folded and secured under the seat. And a quarter secretly taped under the BB....just in case you had to call mom for a ride home. Any more tech-no-purses out there?
frank says:

Aug 28 2013 at 9:59 pm

@EricW

@Gianni I'm with you, even if everyone thinks you've lost your mind like @Brett. That said, I contend mine isn't a "satchel" since it isn't enclosed.

That thing is just as fucked now as it was when you first posted it.
frank says:

Aug 28 2013 at 10:19 pm

@freddy

A few things happened after I joined Velominati. The first thing was ditching the EPMS. Then I started taking better care of my bike. Next, the stem was lowered. After that, a succession of refining acts that included minimizing useless crap in my jersey pockets. The Rules were my guide. My cycling joy has increased.

Perfect.

@Gianni

@scaler911

Here's Keeper Gianni photoed just before this article was written:

I wrote this shit while I was in the damn van! This stuffs kicks like a mule.

All right, that was fun. As exciting as yelling fire in a theater. The general consensus seems to be:

That Lezyne caddy sack in an abomination.

Anything under the seat is an abomination.

Nobody is buying the "nod to sew-ups, old school" thing (fair enough, it was rubbish)

The SMP saddle is also an abomination (yeah, fuck off, it stays).

I should get my shit sorted in my pockets and HTFU.

Anything else?

Yes. Attached are, for your reference, examples of the correct gear to carry at any given moment.

[dmalbum: path="/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/frank/2013.08.28.21.59.38/2//"/]
captainsideburns says:

Aug 28 2013 at 10:32 pm

I have my inner tube (Continental Race Supersonic) fitted into a section of MTB tube, it weighs 50g so folds up very small. It fits wedged under the saddle. Then Crankbrothers Tyre lever and mini pump. Never needed anything else, bar food and appropriate outerwear.

[dmalbum: path="/velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/readers/captainsideburns/2013.08.29.05.12.58/2/"/]T
eightzero says:

Aug 28 2013 at 10:42 pm

@gregorio

Large caddy sack in the center jersey pocket, medium in the RH pocket...better weight distribution, room for everything.

"Everything" indeed. Jesus H Merckx, going to be out a while, hunh?
Marcus says:

Aug 28 2013 at 10:51 pm

@Beers

@Marcus

@Beers

Can't quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there...

Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!

You kind of lost me at the inhaler part Spalding.

Uh, asthmatic? Point being it is as large as another CO2. WTF is the Spalding reference, Poindexter?

Spalding: "what about my asthma"
Judge Smells: "I'll give you asthma"

If that doesnt make sense to you, what you put in your pockets is the least of your problems.