Categories: The Rules

Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Not European, Not a Satchel.

Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3@comcast.net/EPMS/”/]

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

View Comments

  • @Scott

    Personally, I think that looks worse than having a EPMS. I tried removing my EPMS and putting everything in my jersey pockets, but I just didn't care for. I bought the Lezyne caddy sack, but if it was packed with my phone, cards, tube, levers, co2 etc it wouldn't fit in some of my center pockets on certain jerseys.

    It's very easy for a pro, who has a support car, not to carry a EPMS...but us regular joes have fewer options. Now that I have a fi'zi:k saddle I may go with something like this http://www.fizik.it/en/accessories/bags/Saddle-pak/

    Some of the guys at the club use these but they always remind me of a gentleman's wrinkled retainer

  • No hold on a minute. Have we seen full photos of that new whip yet? Did I just miss them? Looks sexy as fuck.

    I have that bag as well and I have to say I don't like them. They're too tall and stick out of my jersey pockets.

    My setup: tool, tube, lever, stick-on patches, CO2 in the old Lezyne zippered Caddy Sack. (You might be able to find one, but I don't think they sell them any longer). Center pocket.

    Scicon Pocket Protector with wallet and phone in right pocket. I just scored a new Nokia 2610 on fleabay. Switched from AT&T to Verizon and needed a new phone. They wanted to sell me fancy phones in the store, but I love small, simple, old phones. Picked it up for $30, then spent two hours on the phone with tech support because they really didn't want to set it up. But, it works! And now, being on the father-in-laws family plan my monthly bill just went from $42 to $12. Guess where that $30 goes? Bike parts!

    Gianni, I'm glad you are a team player! From the initial responses, it looks like this is going to be a team-wide flogging you've scored yourself. Take cover.

  • My initial reaction to this was "EPMS by the back door". Has Gianni read Animal Farm ?

  • @strathlubnaig

    My initial reaction to this was "EPMS by the back door". Has Gianni read Animal Farm ?

    "Life will go on as it has always gone on"”that is, badly."

  • Like the pros, I would rather keep to the spirit of the rules than the letter.   I just can't bring myself to follow #29.   I'd rather carry the spare tube, levers and wallet in the EPMS, leaving my pockets with a minimum of clutter.

  • @the Engine

    @Buck Rogers

    @the Engine

    I'm useless at packing (just ask Mrs Engine) and even I can get everything in my pockets even in mid-winter.

    Ziploc bags are the greatest invention in the world apart from the bicycle - it's been observed that you can tell an off duty cyclist round these parts because all their possessions are in Ziploc freezer bags.

    I need to show this post to my VMH!!! You have no idea how much shit she gives me b/c I refuse to use a wallet and just use a ziplock for all my ID's, credit cards and cash all the time.

    They're great in canoes (if you need to transport your steed over an unjumpable/unfordable body of water) and (should you be trying to evade capture) they're handy out in the hills too. I'm surprised the US Army doesn't have an over engineered version costing $50 a time for issue to special forces.

    In passing - condoms are almost as useful as Ziploc bags for waterproof storage (and water transportation in a pinch). However for reasons that elude me people look at you in a funny way if you take your cash out of one at a cafe stop. Maybe I should stop using the coloured ones...

    Ha!  Well, we always have plenty of condoms in the medshed, even in Iraq and Afghan we had plenty to hand out (though there was not supposed to be any sex going on--General Order #1 and all that).

    Didn't Slim Pickens have some condoms in his survival pack in "Dr Strangelove"?

Share
Published by
Gianni

Recent Posts

Anatomy of a Photo: Sock & Shoe Game

I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…

7 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Men’s World Championship Road Race 2017

Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…

7 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Women’s World Championship Road Race 2017

The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…

7 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Vuelta a España 2017

Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…

7 years ago

Velominati Super Prestige: Clasica Ciclista San Sebastian 2017

This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…

7 years ago

Route Finding

I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…

7 years ago