Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?
Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.
Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?
I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.
When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.
Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.
What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3@comcast.net/EPMS/”/]
@tessar
And aside from those socks, 100% Rule Compliant.
Oh, Tony Martin!
@scaler911
Now that we know you like her, none of us are sure anymore.
This sack looks like a rolled up grey specimen bag — a shit bag.
@Buck Rogers
For god sake don’t try to bring that vehicle on base though.
@frank
Second try, second swift shut down. NICE!
I agree. It’s like your fucking bib shorts got caught when you tried to cyclocross mount yer road bike for a laugh and now they’re stuck under your saddle.
Take off.
@Nate
Ha! Damn! Alarms would be going off all over the place! I’m sure that West Point must have some law against all things “Hippy” and that would definitely fit the description.
@tessar
Wow, wow, wow, what a BEAUTY! And the woman isn’t too shabby, either!
@frank
I’m not sure what’s sexier the girl or the bike or does the bike increase the sexiness of the girl or vice verse… excellent picture of why some girls just plain rule.
@frank Damn! What a bike. What year is that Merckx Frame? I have a 1992 steel frame that looks very close. 1995?
@Brian Not to mention the pave’ which are the perfect aphrodisiac around these parts!
Ill admit I ride my MTB with a EPMS. the nature of the sport means that I need to be 100% self sufficient(cant be stranded in the desert 10 miles from the nearest paved road) not to mention that 29er tubes are fucking huge. But I would never put one on my Road bike.
Compare:
@Brian
Oh my Merckx, I want that between my legs. Now.
@Gianni
Okay, piss taken, faith restored.
@Ron I must really like all you imaginary people in my computer to change my behavior because of you. Repacked stuff into two slim zipper packs in left and right pockets. Ditched the large multitool for a small lighter one. Seems to work ok with a second bidon in the center pocket. I feel like I’m tempting fate by not carrying a chainbreaker though, so I have a couple of master links.
If I hurt myself carrying all this crap, I swear I’ll going to find you and superglue the biggest damn EPMS I can find to your seat. Same goes for @Frank.
@unversio
Nacho Libre makes his appearance – excellent.
“When you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. It’s for fun.”
@captainsideburns
That’s the thinking that eventually made Eddy cry. I was trying to figure out where I could install my wee led red flasher on this SPM saddle and noticed there was an inner-tubed size space up there between the rails. But then I got greedy and wanted it protected from the elements and why not throw in the levers too. And now I’m fucked. Doomed. Living in a van down by the river.
@Gianni Yes, but at least it seems to be a smoke filled van. Could be worse.
@EricW
Eric, thanks for standing tall, for a bit. Yeah, who are these people that shame us so easily? I’m going to become the sock nazi. Bastards.
@Gianni
Heh, heh. You have to get to know someone pretty fucking well before they stop being imaginary. Even if you’re sleeping with them.
Maybe especially if you’re sleeping with them.
@Marcus
Caddy s(h)ack and asthma, I see what you did there…
@Buck Rogers
Love the Van. Love that movie. And no, I don’t think I’d be allowed on West Point.
@Gianni
Well you could, but you’d need this:
@frank
The upsetting bit is that the bike she is on is Kiwicyclist’s (he posts here from time to time), she is in Melbourne and I have never seen her. Go to Fyxo for a full gallery.
@frank
This. For the love of Merckx, this.
Look after your things and they will look after you. Until they don’t, that’s where the best stories begin. Kinda like this http://dirtbagdiaries.com/benighted
Looks like the bait has well and truly been taken since i first looked at this post.
Have to say though :
I can’t prove that its an EPMS. But when I see a bird that quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, has feathers and webbed feet and associates with ducks””I’m certainly going to assume that it is a duck
Mmmmm,
@tessar
Wow. But be careful, she’d put Xenia Onatopp to shame.
@EricW
A chain breaker? FFS, if you need to carry a chain breaker you have some serious maintenance problems.
@scaler911
I’d *almost* forgotten about that!
@Gianni
Nothing wrong with that. Why? Because you’re right about the socks. And I agree (and am compliant).
@Gianni
In that case, care to weigh in on the example a little up the page?
I just read this and puked
@eightzero
I shudder to think what’s between ‘her’ legs…
@The Pressure I’m guessing a well-groomed bush and the usual female genitalia. But I like a fit, strong woman who’ll keep up when it’s time to ride hard and lay waste to zombie hordes.
@The Pressure Her name is Nicole and that indeed is my Merckx. I was lucky enough to catch Fxyo and Nicole doing a photoshoot for his new kit about 6 weeks ago where she was doing hill repeats up a notorious little hill off Yarra boulevard in Melbourne that some here will know called Yarra St.
She is not only a stunner but a very nice person who could smash most of us on the bike (was going to say “ride the pants off most of us” but given your dirty little minds I refrained).
kiwicyclist
I’ve seen the light, my EPMS is history. And the blinkie. On to Rule #33.
@marcus you would not have seen her because that would require swinging your leg over a bike instead of your current training regime bending your elbow at our local hostelry.
@Kiwicyclist
That might be enough to get @Marcus to start riding again.
@Kiwicyclist Pardonne moi…
@PeakInTwoYears
Not sure what picture @The Pressure is looking at, she looks like a mighty fine, healthy young woman, Im liking the whole picture, alot !!
@Barracuda Yeah, for sure. The zombie hordes thing was just me.
@Kiwicyclist
1. I’ts Kew blvd, Yarra blvd is on Richmond you sheep fucker.
2. I shall have you know that i sat on the rollers for a good 40 minutes earlier in the week. And I may even ride tomorrow.
What’s with the Fizik seatpost ring. I see no Fizik.
@Steve-o
Good man.
Here you go – even comes colour conformant.
http://www.wiggle.co.uk/timbuk2-mission-cycling-wallet/
@Kiwicyclist
So what year is the bike??? I have a 1992 and a 2007 Merckx. Just love them. One is old steel the other stiff Scandium. Is yours a 1995 or there abouts? Just a beauty!
@frank
What, everyone’s too gobsmacked to notice the Rule #41 violation?
I tried to stay out of this, but here is my take on this subject.
1.) When I race, of course there is no EPMS
2.) When I train, like many PROs, I use an EPMS.
If you don’t like the look of my small EPMS, then rule V and drop me. If you have to suck my wheel to keep up, no complaining.
@pistard
+1 not to mention Campagnolo equipped EM with shimano pedals.