Categories: The Rules

Rule #29: When is an EPMS not an EPMS?

Not European, Not a Satchel.

Saddle bags have no place on a road bike, and are only acceptable on mountain bikes in extreme cases.

Saddle bags: how do we define them? Is it a saddle bag if it attaches to the seat post and the saddle, if it has a zipper, if it is leather, has two natty straps with buckles, if it swings below the saddle like bumper bollocks?

I weaned myself off a discreet EPMS after twenty-five years of use. I was not happy about transferring the contents to a rear pocket but I’m a team player so I conformed. Previous to that was the ‘core sew-up tire held under the saddle with spare toe clip strap. Back then bikes only had one bidon cage, held on with paint ruining metal clamps. The position forward of the seat tube was reserved for a silca frame pump. Some ride with a tire in a jersey pocket, but with no second bidon to bastardize, it usually had to go under the seat. At least we weren’t wearing tires around the shoulders. I’m not that old, FFS.

When I see professional cyclists out training here, they rock the EPMS. Am I going to correct Ryder, not in this life. I couldn’t catch him to start with, if I did I would be too winded to explain myself and really, why? If you ride clincher tires, with inner-tubes or sealant, one has to carry some tire levers and a spare tube, at a minimum. My custom waterproof phone/money/drivers license/inner-tube/levers/5mm allen wrench bag was a fat bastard. Getting things out of it quickly or elegantly was near impossible.

Then Lezyne came to the rescue with the waterproof mobile phone/money/card /fits in cycling jersey pocket, wallet. They actually didn’t come to the rescue, I paid retail for it but the design rescued me with its brilliance. The phone is in a safe waterproof compartment yet one can access and operate it through the clear plastic window. So all that went into my center rear pocket, but left me with a tube/levers/5mm allen key to stow, in another pocket? Nay, it’s the Lezyne caddy sack, I’m thinking this tucks under the seat, held with old toe clip strap; the clincher rider’s spare tire, without the tire. It’s a sew-up without the outer casing. It’s a nod to the old school in a nice waterproof pvc dry sack, and yes, that is crap.

What does Frank say? I believe his words will be something like “What you have here is a crude looking EPMS held under you saddle with a nasty looking old strap.” Where does he store his spare sew-up tire? I’m already abusing Rule #1, Rule #30 and now Rule #31 too. Luckily or sadly, he is many miles away probably won’t get wind of this.

[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/j.andrews3@comcast.net/EPMS/”/]

Gianni

Gianni has left the building.

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  • @the Engine

    @Buck Rogers

    @the Engine

    I'm useless at packing (just ask Mrs Engine) and even I can get everything in my pockets even in mid-winter.

    Ziploc bags are the greatest invention in the world apart from the bicycle - it's been observed that you can tell an off duty cyclist round these parts because all their possessions are in Ziploc freezer bags.

    I need to show this post to my VMH!!! You have no idea how much shit she gives me b/c I refuse to use a wallet and just use a ziplock for all my ID's, credit cards and cash all the time.

    They're great in canoes (if you need to transport your steed over an unjumpable/unfordable body of water) and (should you be trying to evade capture) they're handy out in the hills too. I'm surprised the US Army doesn't have an over engineered version costing $50 a time for issue to special forces.

    In passing - condoms are almost as useful as Ziploc bags for waterproof storage (and water transportation in a pinch). However for reasons that elude me people look at you in a funny way if you take your cash out of one at a cafe stop. Maybe I should stop using the coloured ones...

    I heard that if you switch to the studded ones then you can enjoy all the benefits of Zipp deep sections...

  • What is the approved MTB etiquette?

    Hydration pack worse than tool-roll under the saddle worse than tool-roll in bottle cage #2?

    No way I am carrying all the stuff in my jersey pockets, 29er tube, pump, levers, multi-tool, RD hanger etc... rattling around on the dirt.

    MHO

  • If you carry spare tubes+minipump+levers+allen keys, what's the use of a f*** mobile phone??? I think a rule is needed on the subject :-) ... no phones for hardmen.

    Only exception could be for Italians for the ritual Sunday, 13:00 call "Cala la pasta!" (put pasta in the boiling water, I'm coming) It means home in 12/15 min :-)

  • Can't quite believe it. Surely there is some way to better strap that shit up underneath the seat? It is just dangling there...

    Nothing compared to all of you trainspotters out there, but if I can fit 2 tubes snaked tightly then held with electrical tape, and a pouch that holds CO2, multitool that has levers, cash/cc, key, and a fucking inhaler in ONE POCKET, you muppets can fit this shit in your back pockets too!

  • @Alex(K) My understanding is the Rules do not apply when we are engaged in fat tyre follies, only when we're on a road bike.

    I'm certainly inspired to get as Rules-compliant as I can on my MTB but you generally need more fixit gear off-piste than you do on-piste.

  • I can't bring myself to carry the EPMS because I have this thing - its called a penis. I'm guessing EPMSers are the ones holding their wives/girlfriends/ purses in Macy's.

     

  • I have to say Gianni has some serious balls for posting this, with plenty of extra space to keep 'em in his extra sack, there.

    Now then, how's a Pedalwan supposed to react? I'm so confused. Here's how I do it as per my interpretation of the rules - Left pocket is for a tiny neoprene pouch containing co2 & nozzle, 2 tire levers (one with a bit of duct tape wrapped around it), a bit of cash and a small multi-tool; and perhaps a snack bar. Center pocket is phone, ID and a credit card in a baggie. Right pocket is a spare tube and a mini pump and on occasion, a camera.

    That's how I do it.

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