Nothing says “amateur” more than an imperfect handlebar tape job, a dirty bike or a nasty grimy chain. Conversely, a clean bike feels faster. And new handlebar tape and a clean chain imbue a rider with extra fortitude and a little extra snap in the legs.
The professionals don’t need to wrap their own bars-they have full- time mechanics who can do it blindfolded. No matter how carefully I did my handlebar tape around shop owner George, he would regard the job, and then cruelly shoot me a look that said “amateur!” I have studied him wrapping tape. It looks effortless and he might also be talking to a customer, mocking a minion, his mind on many things – but the final result is perfection.
This drives me crazy.
It should not be so hard. I replace my tape maybe two or three times a year, just seldom enough to forget how to do it properly.
The Velominati have spent a lot of energy debating bike color co-ordination (see Rule eight) and I had a bad tire/tape issue, so I had to go white (I don’t do black tape). There is no doubt white looks great; the question is how long will it look great?
The bike shop I like to use, close to us, did not carry my favorite Fizik tape. It is bombproof and magically never ever gets dirty. So I bought what they carried, some white Deda tape.
I stripped off the old and tried to put on the new. After three attempts of rewrapping with more tension and less overlap each time, I was still short on one side. The tape was so stretched I might as well have been wrapping my bars with plastic wrap or the old Benotto cello tape. Son-of-a-bee-aatch!! (F’ing Italians, would it kill them to give me another few centimeters? The other side was better – could they be different lengths? F’ing Italians!) The only way to make it even meant both sides ended up short and too far from the stem-completely unacceptable! This put me in a mood most foul.
I called the other shop within riding distance, a Specialized shop, and was told they had three kinds of white Specialized tape. Three kinds- really? Of course when I got there, it wasn’t so-but the one they did carry has rocked my world. Specialized S-Wrap Classic 3 ply fake leather with some sweet dot perforations. It is $25 but supplies more than enough tape for the perfect wrap. It’s mighty fine looking and feels perfect; perfect cushion, perfect grip, oh, I’m in love. But, will it stay white? How bad will it look in a month? Two weeks of fair weather riding leaves the tape still bright white.
Again Specialized has impressed me with their form and function. I have some Specialized S-Works road shoes and a pair of their leg warmers and they are great. Their glue-less inner tube patches: the jury is out. Sure they lose some cachet because their items are made in China not Italy but until the Italians give me a little more tape, I’m an S-Wrap boy.
*Is it wrong to be this excited about handlebar tape? Is it dangerous to ask this question? I’m hesitant to answer either of these. And yes, Rules violations in photo, how many can you find?
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And that photo of Rob has put me in mind of another rule
While riding a bike you must always be wearing socks
@Jarvis
That's already Rule 27.
I think Rob gets a pass for having fucking balls. And check out his guns, man! But, these days, I'm sure he would never dare ride sans socks.
@Jarvis
Regarding cable length, this is precisely the type of thing we need a Rule on (sorry, Guy). You should ride Campagnolo and avoid the whole issue, but if riding STI-equipped bikes with external, non Zablesque routing, cables should be as short as possible while still allowing safe movement of handlebars in both directions.
@Jarvis I was young and had pretension to be a trackie (never realized). Also those shoes were so awesome sockless, they felt like your feet were in a velvet vise so connected to the pedals that sprinting in them with double straps was like having the pedals as part of your foot and that was a crit with some big sprints.
Now I have a very solid tan line 1 and 13/16th inches above my anklebone.
@frank Oh stop, I'm blushing...
@guycollier Classy (except for the pump)!
Maybe there should be a 'No Garmin' rule too... those things are fucking hideous. How lost can you get?
Cable length rule coming up...
Agreed on the Garmin rule. It doesn't require a rule but it should be stated that using that useless finishing tape they provide with bar tape is a waste of time. Electrical tape is the way to go.
@brett
Do you have two spacers above your stem in that R-EPO man pick? Frank was busting my balls today about my bike having two spacers above my stem. I figure when I'm old or injured I might want to put one underneath since it's slammed down now. Cheaper than buying a new fork.
@guycollier guycollier, you look fabulous on that bike! I adore the red accents of the Sidi buckles together with the red "Madone" lettering. Smashing! Nevertheless, as the Velominati harass vehemently harass you (honestly I'm surprised they didn't tear you new one for riding a Trek, since that's what *Pharmstrong* rides), let me take the opportunity to point out that one can both partake of the Velominati's passion for the sport, their love of hardmen, and their voluminous historical knowledge, while at the same time ignoring many of the Rules with a perfect equanimity. You can do so by joining the Cognoscenti. We are Rule 5 fundamentalists. If a Rule does not follow from Rule 5, either directly or indirectly, or if it contradicts Rule 5, it should be (quietly) disobeyed.
P.S. The frame mounted mini-pump does really have to go.
@guycollier
Love the comeback story Guy but photo 3 shows a clear violation of Rule 37 - luckily this is easily remedied.
And to add something to Rule 37, my understanding is that eyewear arms go over helmet straps to make the brand more visible to others. So you are doing it for your sponsors.
In homage to the velominati I have created a cartoon which can be seen in the link below.
http://torosvecchi.wordpress.com/2010/06/07/honey-can-i-go-riding/
Maybe some velominati can illuminate me as to how to get out for a ride when my wife says no (other than a good dose of Rule 5 of course).
@guycollier
Would second david's invitation. It seems to me that you have more than the required battle scars to qualify. It's much cooler being a Cognoscenti, anyway. The only breach in the pics you provided? Put down the camera and ride!
@david Yikes, I didn't state that properly. If a Rule contradicts Rule 5, it should not be followed. If a Rule does not follow, either directly or indirectly, from Rule 5, and it does not contradict Rule 5, then following it is a matter of personal discretion, taste, and style.