The New V-estament
During the birth of The Rules, just like the Big Bang, there was a flurry of new activity, too much expanding and not enough contracting; certainly not enough thinking. It’s hard to keep the throttle back when divining the Word of Merckx in real time. The interweb tubes whistled with new Rules shuttling back and forth, beers consumed, genius conferred, make it so, make it so. We were young, carefree, we would live forever.
Now, with a small bit of introspection and a looming book deadline, the Keepers are actually re-reading these things. Yes, some should go, some should be mashed together, and thanks to our brilliant community, some new ones should go in. For example, Rule #48 and Rule #49 – both about saddle position and not even addressing height.
“Hey I got another one, keep your saddle level.”
“Ha ha ha! Yeah, can you believe people ride with the nose way up or way down? People are such dicks.”
“Oh, Oh, Oh, I got another one, slide your saddle back, can you believe how people ride with their saddle way forward?”
In a less beer-fueled world, those might have become one Rule, dealing with two connected yet dissimilar concepts. Now they will become one Rule, both addressing saddle position.
Rule #48 // Saddles must be level and pushed back.
The seating area of a saddle is to be visually level, with the base measurement made using a spirit level. Based on subtleties of saddle design and requirements of comfort, the saddle may then be pitched slightly forward or backward to reach a position that offers stability, power, and comfort. If the tilt of the saddle exceeds two degrees, you need to go get one of those saddles with springs and a thick gel pad because you are obviously a big pussy.
The midpoint of the saddle as measured from tip to tail shall fall well behind and may not be positioned forward of the line made by extending the seat tube through the top of the saddle. (Also see Rule #44 and Rule #48.)
This opens up Rule #49. Lord Merckx has decreed that all the Rules don’t switch one position if one is eradicated or subsumed. That would confound the universe and force one of Lord Merckx’s minions to write a lot of code. And that minion is the only minion capable of code writing because the other minions are dumb fucks.
Rule #49 // Keep the rubber side down.
It is totally unacceptable to deliberately turn one’s steed upside down for any reason under any circumstances. Besides the risk of scratching the saddle, levers and stem, it is unprofessional and a disgrace to your loyal steed. The risk of the bike falling over is increased, wheel removal/replacement is made more difficult and your bidons will leak. The only reason a bicycle should ever be in an upside down position is during mid-rotation while crashing. This Rule also applies to upside down saddle-mount roof bars. (Thanks to Donnie Bugno.)
This wise bit of advise comes from Donnie ‘Donnie Bugno’ Wiley. Donnie sagely added “I take this so seriously I am unable to offer any assistance or slow down no matter how much distress the rider may be in.” Donnie is wise. He is one of us.
Similarly to the above stated Rules, we have Rules #21 and #23 pertaining to cold weather gear and shoe covers. If memory serves us correctly, or not, someone back in the early days (it was surely one of the five of us who were the only ones reading the site at the time) asked what the fuck Hincapie was doing wearing shoe covers all the time. Regardless of how pro George ALWAYS looked otherwise, there had to be a Rule in there somewhere about shoe covers. Since we only had 22 Rules at the time, Rule #23 was decreed. But since hindsight is 20/20 it is time to redact Rules #21 and #23 into one Rule. Therefore:
Rule #21 // Cold weather gear is for cold weather.
Knickers, vests, arm warmers, shoe covers, and caps beneath your helmet can all make you look like a hardman, when the weather warrants their use. If it isn’t wet or cold, save your Flandrian Best for Flemish weather.
So what of the space vacated by the shoe covers in Rule #23, you ask? Well, we’re filling that space with what we’re calling “the Tuck Rule”.
Rule #23 // Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.
You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the antithesis of Casually Deliberate. For more on riding fast downhill see Rule #64 and Rule #85.
But we’re not finished there, no siree… A couple of other Rules needing to be combined are 18 and 19, pertaining to sensible choice of kit for road, mountain biking and cyclocross racing. Basically, don’t mix that shit up.
Rule #18 // Know what to wear. Don’t suffer kit confusion.
No baggy shorts and jerseys while riding the road bike. No lycra when riding the mountain bike (unless racing XC). Skin suits only for cyclocross.
Which leaves Rule #19 open. The Keepers have experienced the annoying practice of riders joining groups unannounced at an increasing rate of late. This brought about a Rule suggestion being raised in the Boardroom, and a timely post by community member @specialk reinforced our own beliefs that a little common courtesy goes a long way. We are not against riders joining a group, but you wouldn’t walk into a restaurant, sit down at an occupied table and start eating, so why just latch onto a stranger’s wheel and claim a free lunch?
Rule #19 // Introduce Yourself.
If you deem it appropriate to join a group of riders who are not part of an open group ride and who are not your mates, it is customary and courteous to announce your presence. Introduce yourself and ask if you may join the group. If you have been passed by a group, wait for an invitation, introduce yourself, or let them go. The silent joiner is viewed as ill-mannered and Anti-V. Conversely, the joiner who can’t shut their cakehole is no better and should be dropped from the group at first opportunity. (Thanks to specialk)
And so we have spoken. And the disciples shall digest these new Rules, and they shall Obey. Prophet V.V
Ooo new rules….good stuff!
Corollary to Rule #19: Noncompliance may be punished by a well-timed snot rocket.
Rule #18. Should I actually follow a plan and hit some targets for the next year, I would hope to knock a good chunk of time off previous efforts at my local club 10 mile time trial. Is there a point where it would become acceptable to wear a skin suit time trialling?
Similarly, is there a point at which a Rule #54 breach would be overlooked before the results would justify n+1 for a TT bike? (that one is quite a way down the list, below a cross bike, a nice steel Italian and something in carbon).
@unversio
And in Dwarf script or something?
@Nate
This is a GREAT rule. It’s damn near the most annoying thing that happens to me out on the road. Riding along, passing someone, then (since I’m a notorious Rule #62 breaker when solo) “feeling” someone on my wheel. If’n you didn’t introduce yourself/ ask permission, you’ll likely get brake checked, me sitting up and riding 2kph or (my favorite) me getting “twitchy”. HATE THAT SHIT!
@Chris
Yes, twenty years ago.
Was that photo of the Prophet taken just before he parted the Arenberg Forest?
@ChrisO are you suggesting that I’m too far from peaking to time trial in a skin suit?
@VeloVita Give this man a +1 badge!
In the revised Rule #18, why would skinsuits be barred from the Track, Time Trial and for some, Crits?
@Dolamite
They’re not; when you’re racing cross, skin suits only.
@VeloVita
Hahaha, awesome.
@scaler911
Even without wearing headphones, wind and tire noise drown out the sounds of another well-maintained bike latching on. It’s weird to get that “feeling” of someone right behind you. I don’t like it one bit and usually try to ride them off my wheel, unless they seem friendly and competent. I’ve had a few rides where I’ve traded pulls with good riders I’ve never met before.
I don’t understand wanting to sit that close behind someone you don’t know, either. I don’t feel comfortable just hanging out right behind a rider I don’t know… either I’ll keep back a few bike lengths if they are going a similar speed to me, or try and get ahead so I don’t need to worry about it…
@Chris
We all are matey not just you.
Skin suit TTs should only be worn when the rider is being paid to wear them.
@frank
That’s not entirely clear.
Was your recent foray into cross in the new prototype v-kit cross skin suit?
@ChrisO haha, thought you were just getting personal. To be fair, whilst I’ve not completely de-blimped, I’m leaner and fitter now than I was at 22.
I struggle to see the difference between figure hugging Italian fit race wear and figure hugging skin suits. Everything that you have or don’t have is on show either way.
it is officially #21 here in Belgium, Yesterday started at -1…..bring on the layers please.
@scaler911
Given that I am WTFTC (that would be WAY Too Fat To Climb), I was astounded on a recent ride when I came up behind somebody on a hill and seemed to be gaining on him. I kept back a good 20 yards (neither of us was hitting a pace that caused wind resistance to be significant), but since he actually didn’t speed up after cresting the hill I actually Passed Somebody!
Imagine my surprise when about 30 minutes later in the same ride and I came across a tall skinny guy on a racing bike who was also just barely keeping ahead of me. Knowing full well that I was being suckered in by somebody who wanted to demonstrate my ignorance of The Rules, I decided to keep well behind him on the hill as well. When we got to the flat section, he sped up, but not by so much that he was even close to dropping me. I had to check that the sun was still shining and that I hadn’t been transported to an alternate universe, but this continued for a mile or so. Just as I was about to summon up the courage to bridge the gap and pass him, he turned at a cross road and my dilemma was resolved for me.
Of course, while I may have been following the rule of not latching on to a stranger, it could also be that they were so stunned to see a short fat guy on a 30lb. bike catching them that they were temporarily unable to employ their Magnificent Strokes.
sweet, more Rules
beer anyone?
@ralph
He may also have been Training Properly.
Rule #23 // Tuck only after reaching Escape Velocity.
You may only employ the aerodynamic tuck after you have spun out your 53 x 11; the tuck is to be engaged only when your legs can no longer keep up. Your legs make you go fast, and trying to keep your fat ass out of the wind only serves to keep you from slowing down once you reach escape velocity. Thus, the tuck is only to be employed to prevent you slowing down when your legs have wrung the top end out of your block. Tucking prematurely while descending is the antithesis of Casually Deliberate. .
This could almost be merged with Rule #5
call me a pussy, because in order to get in my 11t, I usually tuck. hands in the drops, head over the front hub, back straight and as i do this in the 15 or 14t, i inevidibly can buy myself at least one more or 2 more gears….
Does the Prophet have giant arms or a little head?
@the Engine
I thought the same thing – those arms would necessitate a saddle-to-bar drop that would rival Frank’s.
@Nate
I always train properly…this is the reason I smile and look up with a “hello” when most of the rest of the world passes me. Life is much less stressful that way….zones 1 & 2 are where the love is!
@VeloVita
He’s a brilliant negotiator too as he seems to have got the number of Commandments (different to Rules?) down to around seven or so
@Nate
I prefer the term ‘snot shot’.
In regards to people hopping on my wheel unannounced, uninvited, or just generally unwelcome, I like to get twitchy, start spewing detritus or speed the fuck up in one of my chain snapping sprints. However once I had a ‘merican hop on my wheel, then pull up beside me in his ‘Powered By Jesus’ jersey (I can only assume he had a friend named Jesus that made tacos to keep him going) on his Trek only to proclaim ‘Shinaaylee?’ never heard of that bike before, is it a new brand?’
Heathens, I tell you, every last one of them.
i must object to the inclusion of “you are a big pussy” in Rule #48. This is derogatory towards your VMH (as well as towards all women) as it is slang for one of your favorite parts of her body.
please find another way to put down the springy-saddle users.
i love #19. ninja wheelsuckers are the worst. there’s only two options: telling them to scram or riding them off your wheel. i prefer the latter, if i’m feeling up for it. inevitably, however, these creatures seem to appear when i’m out for an easy spin.
#23 i essentially agree with, but i’m not sure if some scenarios i find myself in would technically be compliant. for example, on descents i know well, i’ll often pedal hard right until the crest of a very steep section – where i KNOW i’ll spin out if i keep pedaling – and this is where i’ll tuck. obviously, i’ll pedal the 53×11 like hell up until this point, but i haven’t technically reached Escape Velocity yet, i just know it’s coming and it’s safer to tuck there than in the middle of the steep section.
@the Engine
I suspect the photo is from the “You can break the rules when you prise the tablets from my cold dead hands” gallery.
@ultradawn
I prefer my pussies to be smaller to tell you the truth. In fact, calling someone a small pussy could be a compliment. No one likes the Huge Vagina \__/.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfHqv8YAA9w
Can I get a ruling on when to use Flandrian versus Flemish? Intensive internet research has only further clouded the issue.
@Hobbanero I’ve brought this up in boardroom meetings and it may still require resolution. It’s my understanding that Flandrian is a pejorative term – thus we should probably use Flemish. But nobody seems to care – least of which the Flemings. Maybe farzani or belgian cobblestones can chime in here.
@Marko
Really? That seems odd as Ridley touted several of their bikes as ‘Flandrien’ editions last year – even painted it on the top tube along with ‘We Are Belgium’. Regardless, I think Flandrien sounds a lot more badass than Flemish.
@VeloVita I don’t fully get it either. I’ve read before it was originally a put down for Flemish people. But it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Probably because when they started riding bikes and crushing everybody else it was no longer possible to put them down.
Mmm…this isn’t going to go over well, but Rule #23 is absolutely fucked. Escape velocity refers to ascending, not descending (don’t blame me, blame Newton). It is the speed required to break free from the earth’s gravitational pull. As in “When ascending, one should only come out of the saddle to achieve escape velocity.”
Ergo, one should only tuck to achieve terminal velocity, which is the rate of descent where downward force from gravity is equivalent to the hindrance caused by pesky phenomenon known as resistance (in this case drag from wind resistance & friction from rolling resistance). Which would be precisely the reason to tuck in the first place. Unless of course you are licking the salt off your handlebars.
Further, by employing the most perfect and efficient tuck, and at the same time absolutely thrashing that 53×11, one may temporarily exceed terminal velocity, and approach a theoretical land speed known simply as V-locity.
I know, I know…who the fuck is this guy? but this is a detail oriented site, looks like you are about to set the rules in stone, and I thought now might be the time to get it right.
There is much more in regards to Rule #48.In fact so much more that it shouldn’t even be the rule.Cause if one is to look for power,stability and comfort it might actually contradict the rule itself.Your body should tell you where your saddle should be and not a rule.For each one of us is different.Climbers have different set up than sprinters.Levelled Arione is different than levelled Aliante.
I love the Lucensien approach to the rewrites. Don’t acknowledge the old version of the rule, claim that this was the way the rules were always envisioned but you never had the words to correctly express them, and remember that in this revised edition of the rules, Merckx shot first!
@foghorn leghorn
Er…..this is a good point……
My username is Wrench. Pleased to meet you all.
I gotta admit (and ask The Prophet for forgiveness) I often let my 8 and 10 year old break Rule #49..
Sometimes.. the only way to properly clean beater BMX bikes is to flip them over on the garage floor and let the boys get grease under their fingernails. It’s all about being a kid and a right of passage in my eyes.
When they graduate to the world of 700c.. I’ll never let it happen. We own a proper stand and tools..
@Marko wait a minute Flemish refers to the people of flanders where FLANDRIEN is earned!!! It is only given to those who have prove their hardman and women!
oh wait a minute new Rule #19?????? hmmmmmm ….no introductions happen here in Belgium. If you are riding along the canal and a fast group comes by and you jump in and can hang on, no biggie. you just do and likewise when I am riding and a guy comes behind me and sits on my wheel we don’t not say a word..If I accelerate and he does not, oh well..
You Americans get all curled up in knots about “your space”……yes, I understand an inexperienced rider can f%^$ it all up. But if you are going a good clip, they will be dropped.
@Hobbanero
http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flandrien_%28wielrenner%29
Consensus appears to be that the Flandrien are a subset of the Flemish. Sadly not all can rise to such a level, even amongst the Flemish, but the Flandrien are the hardest of the hardmen. The Belgian VMH further confirms its not a pejorative although she isn’t familiar with the cycling context.
After having said that I’ll take the opportunity to bitch about the new rules…..With the disclaimer that I am neither Belgian, nor accomplished at laying down the V…….but some of the new rules strike me as having more to do with a copious amount of malted beverages and the need to dispense excessive amounts of bullshit, bothas commonly associated with the off season.
Someone beat me to the punch on escape velocity, so I’ll address the rubber side down. While it pains me to witness my steed in any position other than the most dignified, I’m not lucky enough to have a chase vehicle or fellow velominata companion on every training ride. With that said, how in the hell are you supposed to keep your newly cleaned deraileur and chain out of the gutter without flipping her into an undignified position for a short while? I don’t like it, she don’t like it, but it keeps her clean when I don’t have a spare wheelset waiting or a friend to hold her gently by the seatpost.
@farzani
Yesterday was the first time in my Flander’s best at an avg temp of 5. You know its still early in the winter when you smile with it on.
Cannot believe all of these mean-spiritied posts (in two separate places) by people who get upset by wheelsuckers.
I call bullshit on the safety argument. You might bring a following rider down if you swerve and they are crossing your wheels (their fault) but that is very unlikely to bring you down unless you handle your bike very poorly. And them crashing into you? How many times has that happened to anyone – to any serious extent – without it being due to something unforeseen that your bestest bike-handling buddy couldn’t have avoided if he was following you?
If a crash like this does happen, it is invariably because the lead rider grabbed a serious handful of their brakes – to my mind that is a bingle caused by the lead guy. If this wasn’t his fault (ie. you actually have to suddenly stop because of some sudden calamity – rather than you being a big pussy and braking too hard too suddenly) then it probably doesn’t matter whether it is a stranger or your best riding buddy – you can’t blame them for going up the back of you. That’s riding.
As for the anti-social nature of some posts, fucking get over yourselves. Does it really bother you that someone is on your wheel? Are you that insecure in your riding? It doesn’t cost you anything to tow someone – so you are handing out a favor for free. Take it as a compliment.
And to all those hardmen who ride wheelsuckers off their wheel, tell me you have never jumped on the back of someone for a free ride?
I find it quite cool when there are say just you and 2 or 3 mates riding along and you have been hammering for a while, especially in say windy conditions – you stop at lights and find 20 riders on your wheel. Even better if they are blowing hard.
Obviously it aint so cool if they jump in the rotation uninvited.
@farzani You said it perfectly.
@Marcus thanks Marcus, I am a female Flandrien in training! Seriously NO ONE HERE gets bent out of shape when someone jumps on a wheel. If they can hang, then so be it! cycling brother and (sister) hood…
@Hobbanero Everyone here (non Wallon) is Flemish but FEW are Flandrien!
@Marcus
I did jump onto the wheel of The Engine this one time, unannounced and uninvited, but in my defense I could barely speak due to trying to keep up wae him. I thought of taking a turn, but kenned it wis futile to try. I think I did grunt this at some point though, out of politeness. I think at least a wee groan or a grunt or a brief acknowledgement is the way to go.
@strathlubnaig
Yes, the audible bike fidget or murmur. Cracking of the knuckles.
If somebody is sucking your wheel, you deserve to have your wheel sucked.
Go harder or go home.
Here endeth the lesson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YMPAH67f4o