The Rule #5 Talk
Have a look around to see who you find occupying your immediate vicinity. Presently, I am surrounded by a pleasant-seeming bunch. Some are even going so far as to appear happy or at least not displeased; all of them are pale and none of them fit. My attention is drawn, however, to a a portly mustached gentleman who strode into the hotel lobby with an enormous degree of self confidence and who as such feels justified in wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt bearing a phrase which asserts that real men wear orange. While I have no reason to disagree with the assertion, I assume he is optimistic that through wearing said t-shirt, he will be mistaken for a “real man” and is not in fact attempting to disprove the point through contrast.
I’m not picking on this gent not because I’m harboring any sense of ill-will towards him, nor for the fact that he strode into the hotel lobby carrying a twelve pack of Yuengling Black and Tan. I’m picking on him mostly because I have come to understand that “real men” are capable of crushing things like soda cans and their opponents’ Will to Live, while from the looks of it, the only thing he’s crushed lately was a ham sandwich whose remnants I’m fairly certain I spotted on the front of his bright orange t-shirt.
Surprisingly, our Orange Hero isn’t even the most disappointing case in the room I’m occupying. The guy in the camouflage, knee-long shorts and flip-flops is an example at least two degrees worse; if he harbors hopes of blending in to anything – most of all foliage – I suggest he spend some time outside to brew himself up a tan that goes beyond TV Translucent (I’m not sure what the pantone value is for that). He should also try lifting his computer some time, to build muscle mass, rather than wheeling it about in a trolly. But worst of all by a considerable gap is the skinny-fat chap with carefully disheveled hair who is presently chastising the bartender – who is serving free drinks to hotel patrons – for not having his preferred brand of vodka on hand. If this guy took half the time he spent worrying about his hair and invested it in not worrying about his free drink, he’d be three-quarters less of a douche. (My dad would call this guy a zacht gekookt ei, or soft-boiled egg.)
All this to say that as a society we have, by and large, become soft. While I want to be careful not to paint too broadly with that brush as no one is to say what hardships people have been through, on balance we seem to expect to take more and to be asked to give less in return. Our ancestors worked harder than we did, in worse conditions, for less reward but found satisfaction in a job well done and an honest day’s work. Yet today, we are overly dependent on t-shirts to send a message about who we are rather than our actions. We fill our conversations with sentiments of entitlement and rights, when in fact we are entitled to nothing and we have the right only to the things we find within ourselves.
As Cyclists, however easy our lives may be, the bicycle brings us some degree of hardship and struggle. For many of us, our easy lives are what draw us to the bicycle in pursuit of a harder life. This is, of course, in stark contrast that to the riders who came before us, the legion of Fausto Coppi, Rik van Looy, and even the comparatively well-off Eddy Merckx who chose the bicycle as a means of escape from a harder life into an easier one. But nevertheless, it sets us appart. The lessons the bicycle teaches us can be applied to the rest of our lives, and may be used to guide the uninitiated.
Our pets go untrained because we are too busy, distracted, or stressed out to show them the discipline they crave. Our children scream as our dependence on secondary care blurs the boundary between parent and friend. Society’s BMI is pushed ever upward as our appetite for a meal grows inversely with our willingness to exercise. By and large, our dependence on the material is fueled by the immaterial.
No child is too young, no adult too old. This is the time to Obey the Rules, Lead by Example, and Guide the Uninitiated. But most of all, this is the time for us to set an example and have The Talk. The Rule #5 Talk. And remember what Will Fotheringham refers to as Rule #5.b: Eddy Never Complained.
VLVV.
@Frank
What sort of hotel of the damned are you in ?
Secondly, actually according to the same W. Fotheringham Eddy complained a lot, and was frequently to be heard saying he wasn’t feeling well, things weren’t right etc.
The difference, as I think you illustrated once before with the “trick is not to mind” quote from Lawrence of Arabia is that he never let it stop him.
Would love to hear anyone not Dutch pronounce zacht gekookt ei.
Also the guy without muscles sounds like me, except I’m in the Netherlands right now and I AM carrying my computer.
Fucking orange t-shirts! GRR!
Righter than a right thing that just came first in competition for being right Frank
@ChrisO
Boom! Bang on! On all counts.
Love that pic of Van Looy. Would anyone have the guts to tell him his shorts were too short? I doubt it. There’s also something about a WC jersey devoid of sponsor names or logos. The haircut is bad ass too. The only thing that’s missing is his crisp white (real) cycling cap worn perfectly with the brim up. Nice article on him in this month’s Peloton magazine.
If I’m misreading this, let me know, but this is quite the departure from your usual tongue-in-cheek lessons on the Rules, @frank. Did you just dig out the old soapbox from under a pile of old copies of Roleur, or something?
While I don’t necessarily disagree with your overall message, I wanted to put in my two bits on the comment you make about raising kids with the help of childcare providers. I’m fortunate enough where my wife only has to work part time, so she is in the house with the kids most of the week, and my sister-in-law watches them at our house while my wife is at work. But there was a time where we had no choice but to put my son in childcare full time when he was a small child. Although obviously it is preferable for a parent to be at home, we simply don’t live in an age where that is always possible. The world is different than it was 100, 50, or even 25 years ago. I think it is a mistake to look askance at parents who have to make that difficult choice without first knowing all the details.
And by the way, even the best kids who have great parents and don’t go to childcare have tantrums in public. I was in a store with my daughters a while back, and they both were having a cruddy day and carrying on, but I needed to get some stuff done, so I took them out. I overheard some douche make a comment to the salesperson about “having a good day except for the screaming kids.” He was being a judgemental prick (who turned out not to have had kids, big fucking surprise) and I let him know it. It burns me that people who have never had kids seem to think they can give advice on how best to raise your kids in this complex, morally-grey world we live in.
If a screaming kid is bothering anyone in public, I suggest you remember that every kid has bad days just like grownups, but unlike grownups, kids simply aren’t equipped to control their emotions very well, and that the parents are likely just as frustrated as you. Before you get all high and mighty and judgmental when you hear a kid crying in public, remind yourself that being a parent is fucking hard work, and then remember Rule #5 and suck it the fuck up before making some d-bag comment.
@The Oracle
My own experience is that there’re screaming kids and then there’re screaming kids. One sort I can understand because I know what its like from my own tribe’s growing pains and I know that they’ll grow up. The other sort keep screaming until they get their entitlements from society and even then they don’t shut up – they also tend to be the one’s who drive two tonnes of metal like douches from what I can see. I reckon your judgemental guy was one of the latter – I’d rather have the screaming kids.
Fuckin’ Spot on!
I remember meeting one of my Green Berets in my unit at a team house in Iraq and finding out that the guy had an advanced degree, was really brilliant, and could be making a LOT of money on the outside but he left it all joined the Army as a low ranking enlisted soldier and trained for, and was selected for Special Forces training and then made it all the way to being a full Green Beret on a small “special” team. I asked him why he left all his money and easy life of prestige behind and he looked me square in the eye and said, “To make a difference”. Said his life was meaningless, that he did not do anything of substance and felt like he was only taking from society. He wanted to give something back. Just amazing. And the guy was only 27.
Wish I could have him talk to my 20 year old nephew who is living in my sister’s basement without a job, not going to school and smoking as much dope as he can his hands on.
Sooo many leeches in society. Man, this thread hits a nerve with me, better to stop now.
But well fuck’in said, Frank!
@The Oracle
I agree, only 10 years ago my mother stayed at home to take care of my younger siblings. But today, even though the youngest is only 11, both my mum and dad need a full time job just to be able to pay for the house etc.
@the Engine
Yeah, that’s true. I’m not saying that every kid screaming in public is a good kid having a bad day. But, it is unfair for people to rush to judgment about the parents without knowing the context. Like I said, being a parent in today’s society is hard work, and we face challenges that our ancestors never even dreamed about (although, I also don’t spend the night worrying about whether a pack of wolves is going to eat my livestock, either).
Spot on! As a good friend is fond of saying (a dog trainer) “The majority of dogs as well as kids these days do not have enough jobs to do”….a dog with some jobs and excercise, is calm and mindful, same with kids.
Too bady Eddy has devolved into a whiny bitch and mouthpiece for Mr. COTHO.
Holy fuck! This is AWESOME Frank!
I’m totally blown away by what people wear in public. I often comment to my friends, “Don’t these people have any friends? Someone should tell them they shouldn’t be wearing that!” The VMH graduated last weekend with an MA degree. I could not fucking believe what some people wore to graduation. Hoochie skirts, see through dresses with thongs, wrinkled shirts, hair that looks to be styled with bacon grease. Have some respect! Imagine being a mom or dad and seeing your daughter in a trashy dress at their graduation? But, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I have long argued that cargo pants as “biz-cas” wear are a sure sign of the apocalypse. And why are so many fat folks in flip-flops? Those aren’t going to support you! And Crocs, man I hate those. “They are so comfortable!” Yeah, so are sneakers. I actually have a good reason to hate them – I’ve taught summer camp cooking courses to kids and more than once nearly scalded or stabbed a kid due to tripping on those big fucking clown shoes called crocs.
Dogs! I have been wanting to get a t-shirt printed up stating: “I hate small dog owners.” Why do those bastards think it’s “cute” that their little rat barking at everything in the world is so charming? It isn’t. Train that thing. And have you noticed that the more obese the person, the smaller the dog? It’s like Jabba the Hut and his little sidekick!
We have a well-trained dog & people are blown away that we can let her off the leash to run. Time, people, time! Put in some effort and they’ll learn.
This is an awesome one, Frank! Again, taking something we observe in cycling and applying it to life. Wonderful! And yes, we’d be better off if more folks observed Rule V.
“I don’t have time. I’m so busy!” Oh yeah? Free time is a modern luxury. Cavemen and farmers didn’t have any time to fuck about. What is the stat – the average American watches FOUR hours of t.v. a day?!
Rule #5 BMX style. American Alise Post at the Women’s Super Cross this past weekend in the Netherlands. All the other girls were rolling half of the Triples so Alise showed them what was “up” and spanked them bad.
@Ron
NICE! Love it! Esp the bit about the little whiney yippy dogs. Fuck’in hate ’em. Worthless little rats. Just want to pick them up and punt them every time I see one. The Jabba analogy is classic!
@Louutah
Small boys are like dogs, if you don’t run them hard twice a day, you’ll never control them.
Many uses for The Rule #5 Talk.
(Esqueleto voice) I like it.
@Cyclops
Holy CRAP!!! Is she going to land that just beyond that berm on the left in the photo? Looks like she is not going to quite make it. Might just be camera angle but that is insane!
Well said, Frank! Very well said, indeed.
@Oli
Orange t-shirts are awesome. Y’know because the SF Giants are awesome… even though they’ve kinda sucked since winning their title a few years back.
@The Oracle
I will definitely agree with you there. The world is definitely not what it was even 25 years ago. In some ways, I’m glad of this fact. I’m rather grateful that – even though I was a very rebellious child – my folks showed me the love and discipline I needed to become a fairly level-headed adult.
@Cyclops
That is one Badass photo.
The Rule #5 Talk [photo] stenciled race numbers, handmade, cut to fit [notice 115 vs 2]
@Ron
No flip flops unless your’re within 100m of a beach.
It may not be one of the rules but it’s certainly a rule somewhere.
Fat owners of small dogs also tend to be the ones who are convinced that their beloved rodent has endearing human qualities. They don’t. I’ll reserve my real anger for the owners who go to all the effort bagging their dog’s shit and then toss it into the bushes. WTF?
If a dog doesn’t have a proper role in life (gun dog or sheep bothering) or can’t keep up with a bike, it’s not worth having.
@frank awesome rant. It’s all gone to shit but there’s an upside to all of this. when the zombies attack, they’ll be too busy feasting on the obese to bother people riding their bikes.
@ChrisO
The kind of shit US hotel a lot of us business travelers spend way too much time in, I’d reckon.
@The Oracle
I think you’re misreading. No reasonable person would fault a child for crying, or a parent for being unable to mitigate that event. If I may presume, I think Frank’s talking about kids running wild in public, “screaming” their demands at parents who either cater to their whims or attempt to reason with an inherently irrational being (anyone under 12, IMHO). Parent is a verb, too.
I see a lot of parents who get really defensive when this stuff comes up, a la
@The Oracle
Parents all volunteered for this mission. Rule #5 yourself.
A case in point: My wife and I were enjoying lunch last weekend at an outdoor restaurant with our pooches when suddenly a group of 8-9 year olds, who minutes before had been sitting at an adjoining table started chasing each other around the patio, without even a sideways glance from the parents who sat chatting and sipping chardonnay. I understand that it’s easy for parents to become immune to the chaos attendant with kids, but fercrissakes, it’s a restaurant!
I will say that I see a lot more of this shit in the US than internationally. I’m not sure what’s in the literature these days, but it seems a lot of US parents have bought the whole “self-esteem first” hogwash, without comprehending that high self-esteem must be accompanied by achievement, or it means nothing.
Wow, this is a downer thread… excuse me, I’m going to head over to the Giro VSP…
great one Frank
I needed that reminder to just shut the pie hole up as our forefathers indeed didn’t complain, and made it happen. thanks for the reminder, and apply liberally Rule #5
that said, I’m outta here
This. Is. Awesome.
Nicely, poetically, directly, inspirationally, and passionately said. Chapeau.
Spandex is a worse look than anything you describe. Cyclist should be the last to judge on public appearance.
@sgt
You’ll note that I later acknowledged @The Engine’s point that there’s a difference between well-brought-up kids having a bad day, and kids who are constantly screaming and demanding, because they suffer from a sense of entitlement for lack of parental supervision. I wasn’t misreading @frank’s point, and I agree that the sense of entitlement of many in society today can be traced back to poor parental engagement. Rather, I was clarifying that, before snapping to judgment regarding the parents solely on the basis of a screaming kid, you should first consider the context.
I’m certainly not complaining about being a parent–you’re right, I made that choice and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. However, yes, I am sensitive when people (especially people who don’t have kids), make negative comments regarding my parenting or parenthood in general, as if they are knowledgable on the subject. I’m sorry, but unless you spend a significant portion of your time caring for children, you really don’t have a place at that table.
I’d say that, from your description of your recent restaurant visit, I’d probably question the parenting there as well (alhtough I don’t know the details of the area you were eating in, or if the kids were running between the tables or in some other open area adjoining the eating area). When I’m at a restaurant with my kids and they get squirrely, I use it as an opportunity to teach about respect for others. However, despite my best efforts, sometimes my kids are still loud, because kids are kids and cannot always regulate themselves.
Your restaurant experience stands in contrast to my example of the man in the store commenting on my children, despite the fact that I was obviously engaging my kids in an attempt to calm them. Like I said, good kids have bad days, and no amount of parenting is going to be 100% effective in keeping kids well-behaved in public. You say that “No reasonable person would fault a child for crying, or a parent for being unable to mitigate that event,” but I can tell you from first-hand experience that you are incorrect–that’s exactly what many people (including the guy from my example) do.
“As Cyclists, however easy our lives may be, the bicycle brings us some degree of hardship and struggle. For many of us, our easy lives are what draw us to the bicycle in pursuit of a harder life.”
I love and hate my bike at the same time.
“By and large, our dependence on the material is fueled by the immaterial.”
Well said!
“All this to say that as a society we have, by and large, become soft.”
U.S. is the Fattest County In The World
@Doug
Cyclist appearances in public are foremost. Do not confuse with Lycra. Spandex is for Walmart.
@SuperFed
I am both horrified and mesmerized by that picture.
@versio
And are they held on by some sort of colored tape (red on Van Looy’s, green in back) or are those some sort of clamps? Oli will know if no one else does.
@Buck Rogers
115 and 2 use different custom cloth tape. 115 uses extra.
Sounds like poor Frank is enjoying some quality time at an Embassy Suites “happy hour” in the lounge area (only hotel I know of with free drinks for patrons, but I don’t travel a whole lot).
Bar tape (vintage) from the day. 115 bar tape color matches Van Looy number tape.@Buck Rogers
@Ron
Hear, hear Ron, esp the graduation thing. When I graduated from Glasgow Uni in 1990, the rules were: Men: black suit (or jacket and pants), white shirt, black tie, black shoes. Women: all black with white blouse. We all had to wear rented black wool gowns but no mortar boards. Care to try asserting your “individuality”? Find another ceremony. No participation for you. Sometimes rules are good and justified (as we all know all too well here!)otherwise you end up with the abominations you get at a lot of graduations these days. It’s about respect for yourself, your family, the institution and what you have accomplished.
@SuperFed
Sorry to ask the dumb questions, but are those male or female bodies, and were they taken in Wisconsin?
Watch the movie “Idiocracy.” Not the best movie ever; in fact it’s quite crude and dumb, but at the same time it seems so absolutely, frighteningly not far off from what is coming.
This is my first post although I’ve been reading this fantastic site for months now since I came across it and have been devouring every back-article as a minor obsession. Great site, a real revelation, and for once the posts at the bottom of each article are full of brilliantly knowledgable folk- you guys are seriously affecting my productivity at work!
Anyway, top post Frank (I follow you on Strava by the way, I’m not a stalker or nothing, just a fan) but can I make a point about the photo of Rik? Is it just me or is he in serious transgression of Rule #27? He may have serious guns made of solid steel but still…? Or perhaps the bulge of the guns combined with an elastic malfunction have caused them to ruck up?
@wiscot
+1. I had the same thought.
I think we may be focusing in the wrong direction here gents by focusing on what is wrong in our world instead of the positive example of Rik van Looy. We have expressed our reverence for many great riders of the past but not sufficiently for the Emperor of Herrentals, who did something no one else, not even Merckx could accomplish: win all eight of the major classics (the five monuments plus Fleche Wallonne, Paris-Tours and Paris-Brussels, may it rest in peace). I believe he’s become overlooked because the end of his career coincided with the start of Merckx’s. He was certainly one of the Giants of the Road.
@Buck Rogers
There’s a guy on the ODA here that mirrors the description you gave. Multiple degrees, left a six figure wall street job to join the Army and go SF. He’s currently the the detachment Fox.
Probably the best part about being in the Army is that it’s the safest place to channel and live the sentiment Frank’s writing about. Rule #5 is a constant companion, on and off the bike.
@skipolas
Welcome to the site! Yes, the Emperor of Herentals may well be in violation of Rule #27, but a couple of things are worth noting: one, those are wool shorts with no leg grippers. (They were a bitch to keep in place; even worse if you had guns like that). Two, shorts were shorter back in the 60s. Also, notice they even have a back pocket (what for, I’m not sure).
Secondly,. as I posted before, no-one in their right mind would dare question the sartorial style of Van Looy who always looked ace and was one of the finest wearers of the traditional cycling cap ever.
Consider this a good start to your cycling education: Especially the 6:50 mark re the Emperor. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3EHJjHP6yc
@The Oracle
Funny you took this literally; as always, the message is sincere but the delivery is as tongue in cheek as ever – possibly the most its ever been. I don’t actually expect anyone to sit down with their infant and tell them to harden the fuck up.
And a very – VERY – important point of clarification. Secondary caregivers are a lifesaver. My VMH had one as virtually a second mom and she is the most amazing person I know. When we have kids – Merckx willing – we will use secondary care myself. Big time. Shit, I might send the scrapper off to boarding school.
The criticism in the message is not towards using secondary care – its towards parents who rely on it and during their time with their kids try to be their friend and not their parent.
@skipolas
I would not question this man’s style:
@Buck Rogers
We call them “treats on feet” for our Dane. They give her such a rough display and then its one earth-shaking woof and the yipper is relegated to behind the owners feet!
@Louutah
That’s a great way to put it; our Dane doesn’t want to do ANYTHING but sleep, but she loves her boundaries. The pit mutt we have is a genius and absolutely needs his rules and jobs. When we get busy and start to overlook asking him to do things for us, he gets all fidgety and nervous. If I tell him to do stuff (even if its to get out of my way) he brightens up.
Everyone needs to feel important and like they have a job. Purpose is meaningful.
@Cyclops
Nice one!
@Xyverz, @Oli
Being a Dutchman, I love orange shirts. But being a Dutchman, that also means I have loads of evidence that wearing an orange shirt does not make one a real man.
@frank
Yeah, like I said at the top, I wasn’t sure if I was reading the article too seriously; I shoulda known better coming from you. As I confessed to @sgt, I tend to be pretty sensitive to people bagging on “parents these days,” though, because I get lumped in with a lot of others who (in my totally biased opinion) do a shit job of raising their kids.
Anyway, I’ve had a nice valium with a highball chaser for lunch, and I’m much calmer now (and seeing double, but that’s besides the point).
@Nate
Excellent point, Nate! I tend to dwell on the negative far too much. I think it’s my worst trait.
Thanks for taking things in another direction; I need to do that more often! Though it did feel nice to get that off my chest.
@mcsqueak
@skipolas
Welcome, and @wiscot‘s on to it. Anyone before Castelli invented the lycra short with grippers was in violation. Cheers.