The Rule #5 Talk
Have a look around to see who you find occupying your immediate vicinity. Presently, I am surrounded by a pleasant-seeming bunch. Some are even going so far as to appear happy or at least not displeased; all of them are pale and none of them fit. My attention is drawn, however, to a a portly mustached gentleman who strode into the hotel lobby with an enormous degree of self confidence and who as such feels justified in wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt bearing a phrase which asserts that real men wear orange. While I have no reason to disagree with the assertion, I assume he is optimistic that through wearing said t-shirt, he will be mistaken for a “real man” and is not in fact attempting to disprove the point through contrast.
I’m not picking on this gent not because I’m harboring any sense of ill-will towards him, nor for the fact that he strode into the hotel lobby carrying a twelve pack of Yuengling Black and Tan. I’m picking on him mostly because I have come to understand that “real men” are capable of crushing things like soda cans and their opponents’ Will to Live, while from the looks of it, the only thing he’s crushed lately was a ham sandwich whose remnants I’m fairly certain I spotted on the front of his bright orange t-shirt.
Surprisingly, our Orange Hero isn’t even the most disappointing case in the room I’m occupying. The guy in the camouflage, knee-long shorts and flip-flops is an example at least two degrees worse; if he harbors hopes of blending in to anything – most of all foliage – I suggest he spend some time outside to brew himself up a tan that goes beyond TV Translucent (I’m not sure what the pantone value is for that). He should also try lifting his computer some time, to build muscle mass, rather than wheeling it about in a trolly. But worst of all by a considerable gap is the skinny-fat chap with carefully disheveled hair who is presently chastising the bartender – who is serving free drinks to hotel patrons – for not having his preferred brand of vodka on hand. If this guy took half the time he spent worrying about his hair and invested it in not worrying about his free drink, he’d be three-quarters less of a douche. (My dad would call this guy a zacht gekookt ei, or soft-boiled egg.)
All this to say that as a society we have, by and large, become soft. While I want to be careful not to paint too broadly with that brush as no one is to say what hardships people have been through, on balance we seem to expect to take more and to be asked to give less in return. Our ancestors worked harder than we did, in worse conditions, for less reward but found satisfaction in a job well done and an honest day’s work. Yet today, we are overly dependent on t-shirts to send a message about who we are rather than our actions. We fill our conversations with sentiments of entitlement and rights, when in fact we are entitled to nothing and we have the right only to the things we find within ourselves.
As Cyclists, however easy our lives may be, the bicycle brings us some degree of hardship and struggle. For many of us, our easy lives are what draw us to the bicycle in pursuit of a harder life. This is, of course, in stark contrast that to the riders who came before us, the legion of Fausto Coppi, Rik van Looy, and even the comparatively well-off Eddy Merckx who chose the bicycle as a means of escape from a harder life into an easier one. But nevertheless, it sets us appart. The lessons the bicycle teaches us can be applied to the rest of our lives, and may be used to guide the uninitiated.
Our pets go untrained because we are too busy, distracted, or stressed out to show them the discipline they crave. Our children scream as our dependence on secondary care blurs the boundary between parent and friend. Society’s BMI is pushed ever upward as our appetite for a meal grows inversely with our willingness to exercise. By and large, our dependence on the material is fueled by the immaterial.
No child is too young, no adult too old. This is the time to Obey the Rules, Lead by Example, and Guide the Uninitiated. But most of all, this is the time for us to set an example and have The Talk. The Rule #5 Talk. And remember what Will Fotheringham refers to as Rule #5.b: Eddy Never Complained.
VLVV.
@Velosophe
I don’t say this enough. Thanks for what you do. You too, Buck. And anyone else who does it.
On a different scale, my VMH works around the world to make people healthier and learn how to treat people with devastating diseases. She goes to all corners of the globe – violent or otherwise – to help people.
Makes me feel like fucking shit for what I do.
@The Oracle
According to the article, women. Wisconsin – dunno. Could be Anywhere, USA.
@Ron
Just like using the past to inform your decisions as they pertain to the future, use the negative to help make decisions to make your future more positive.
AND FUCK YEAH. WHAT A BITCHIN’ PHOTO! Why the FUCK do you think I used it??
@SuperFed
The scary thing is that the brain, heart, and bones are the same size in both figures. That’s all. And look how the joints are stressed. That is scary, scary shit. I walked by McDonnalds at the airport today and stopped in at Vino Volo instead. This makes me even happier that despite the glass of wine I had with it, I did opt for the green salad instead of fries and a burger. Yikes.
@Nate
Rik was the Emperor, by the way, because of the iron fist he ruled his team and, if possible, the race. He is obliquely blamed for impeding Merckx when they shared a team the first year he was a Pro.
The thought does cross my mind: how many of those races did he fix and how many did he win on merit? Its a shit question, no doubt, and one we’ll never answer. But it has the positive side effect that it will make me study his career more to try to figure it out. And, that process in and of itself will make it worth while.
I don’t really care that the anser is. I’m phyched about the journey.
Oh, and check those bitching bar-end shifters.
I had forgot how large the US is. Until last week’s quick jaunt into the heartland. o.O
@Nate
Spot on mate.
@frank
Yeah, just reading about Van Looy as I had not heard of the moniker “The Emperor of Herrentals” and it is really interesting reading. No love lost between him and Merckx, esp at the 1969 WCRR.
That’s why I LOVE this site, so many people here with so much knowledge and it just brings me deeper and deeper into the mystic and depth of it all.
@frank
What your VMH does is super awesome. That job really makes a real world difference.
I would love to meet your VMH, and also the Doctor’s Without Borders doc that’s on this site, sometime and talk about possible future work once my time in the Army is over.
@mcsqueak
heheheee, good times. And it sounds like young Strack is not in NYC either if patrons are carrying in 12 packs of Yuengling. I believe my boy is stranded in central Penn. The horror. My in-laws are from there so I’m allowed to say that.
Rule V is not part of the USA creedo, obviously. We can only live it ourselves, FFS.
I absolutely abhor camouflage as a “fashion statement.” Soldiers are dying almost every day, wearing the uniforms of their respective nations, and fashionistas think it’s cool to wear camo shorts and shirts?
@Velosophe
Roger that. Take a knee, drink water and then HTFU. (oh, and pull security)
@doubleR
That’s why I don’t wear any of my stuff anymore since retirement. I’ve got huge boxes of BDUs, DCUs, ACUs I’m not sure what to do with. They sure as hell aren’t going to Goodwill so some wanna be can get them on the cheap.
@frank
Very wise indeed Fronk – because we all know anything raised by you, chickens or otherwise, is gonna be pretty messed up.
@XTanuki
SO SO TRUE! I’ve said this for a long time.
@doubleR
Get a grip, man! Camouflage isn’t some sacred thing, in fact it’s been used by the animal kingdom since time immemorial, and was used by hunters long before most armies decided their cannon-fodder stood a slightly better chance of fighting another day if they blended in a bit. I’m all for reverence towards those who put themselves in harms way on our behalf, but get a bit of perspective please.
@frank
Living in Syracuse, I see obese men wearing the “Real Men Wear Orange” shirts daily. :::shudder:::
@Oli
Yeah, I think camo is a bit silly to wear if you’re not hunting, but it’s not exactly irreverent towards service members. The dress uniforms, claims of medals, etc. are what should be reserved solely for them.
Kids in pubs; this pisses me off.
A pub is a place where alcohol is served. You must be 18 to be served. So if you are a parent and you bring your 1-10 year old into a pub, where alcohol is being consumed, then expect that adult behaviour may take place around your little darlings.
If adults are talking about adult matter in a pub, there is a chance that colourful language may be used.
“Can you stop swearing around my children please?”
“Why is your child in a pub? Is he 18? No? Then either buy him a beer or fuck off.”
New List: Names to choose from for @Frank and Michelle’s first born:
1. Eddy;
2. Eddy;
3. Eddy.
And yeah, if a girl:
1. Marianne;
2. Eddy;
3. Eddy.
@The Oracle
Maybe it was this guy: Fat dude kicked out of all-you-can-eat fish fry
@Bill
I am reminded every time I fly from the west coast to the east coast or the other way round. Its a bugger of a big-ass country, and why can’t my meetings ever be somewhere in between?
@Buck Rogers
You’ll want to talk to my VMH (who defends her anonymity fiercely because of her celebrity) and also to Xyxxax who she also wants to talk to. You fuckers are doing good shit. Thanks.
@Gianni
Wow, you guys are really fucking good. From this article, both the name of my hotel and the location (though you’re short of naming the town) have been identified. Exceptionally strong work. I’m now not going to let on until someone names it.
@brett knows, but if the fucker lets on, I’ll demote him from Admin to Subscriber for a week in the site administration panel.
@doubleR
A PLUS FUCKING ONE. That was my thinking exactly when I saw that chubby pale fuck.@niksch
Another soldier. A-Merckx, people. *wipes tear from his eye and checks to see if anyone saw*
@Cyclops
Hey. I’m reading this, you know. And I’m very happy to see you post something other than a BMX bike and that you’re venturing back into ripping on me.
@Oli
I totally get what your’e going at, mate, but really? You think the guy walking around in a military reproduction print of camo capris is really paying homage to the cavemen and mother nature? No, he thinks “military”. Its the same vein of reasoning that attracts people to wearing team kit and leader’s jerseys they haven’t earned. No big deal, but its displaced entitlement – albiet in a very innocuous form.
@Sauterelle
Assuming you’re single, that should be like a bullseye for you. Them be the real mean, go to town,sister!
And, @Sauterelle
That’s very apros pos the jokes about those scans being of Wisconsinites. Its complete bullocks, of course. It could just as easily be a Minnesoatian. (Its OK – I’m from Minnesota.)
@brett
Jesus, mate. The “can you not swear around my kid” or “can you be less loud around my kid” think kills me. Normally, I don’t give a shit, but I have dear, dear friends with kids and I try around them, but its so ingrained its not realistic. Its all about expectation management, and I I know for certain I get left off the invite list to Awesome Experiences because I’m a loud, swearing, obnoxious bastid. Did I leave smelly off the list?
But in the airport, walking down the endless corridors, checking email and seeing an arrangement I was stoked about go sideways because of a mixup and responding with a (very) audible “OH, FUCK ME YOU FUCKING FUCK” and having a mom in front of me grab their kid’s head like they are trying to keep their brains from popping out their ears…well, what do you do?
@frank
I don’t swear in front of kids, but if they are brought into an OVER 18’s environment then don’t get pissy when over 18s are doing over 18 stuff (21 of course for the US). coz if they are listening in on my conversation, they are gonna learn things that should probably be left undiscovered until they are at least 18…
@frank
Few legitimate options in Pennsyltucky. If you’ve got internet service, you’re not in Intercourse, PA. Would hazard Williamsport or Reading.
@frank
Have your own kids — if you are like me, you’ll begin to develop some capacity to control your cussing around little ones shortly after the first time your own 2-year-old says “fuck” in a public place. If you are lucky, you’ll start restraining yourself sooner. It was really hard to un-learn him that one, with a little luck you can learn from my own parenting failure!
@frank
Too easy. There aren’t many Embassy Suites in PA.
@Nate
…or marry an Irishwoman for whom cursing is second nature. As is taking kids to the pub.
@Steampunk
No way, our intrepid traveler is in Philadelphia.
Do I win a cheesesteak for being correct?
@Steampunk
So what if she does those things. Doesn’t mean you can get away with it!
@frank
If you totally get where I’m coming from, how the fuck can you take what I said there and twist the words around so bloody badly? Sometimes your reading comprehension baffles me.
To clarify, I didn’t say anything about non-military camo use being a homage to anything, just that camo isn’t the exclusive preserve of the military, and that it isn’t sacred to them or anybody. If some punters wear a camo print they’re either just thinking about how cool it looks, or they’re not even thinking about it at all.
I think even you would agree that wearing a pair of camo board shorts is a bit different from those non-combatant nutters who wear full combat gear around the place.
@mcsqueak
I assumed he meant central Penn. Failing that, Pittsburgh.
@Nate
True. Of course, there’s an interesting role reversal in our house, which involves my saying: “don’t let your mother find out about this.” And that freaks the hell out of all three kids. Of course, I don’t curse. Even Buck knows that…
“But worst of all by a considerable gap is the skinny-fat chap with carefully disheveled hair who is presently chastising the bartender – who is serving free drinks to hotel patrons – for not having his preferred brand of vodka and hand. If this guy took half the time he spent worrying about his hair and invested it in not worrying about his free drink, he’d be three-quarters less of a douche. (My dad would call this guy a zacht gekookt ei, or soft-boiled egg.)”
One of the best takes I’ve read in a long time. Sadly, I have the displeasure of seeing this type of person on regular basis during much of my business travels. I sometimes think I’d like to take a video of them acting this way in the hopes that seeing themselves would cause some sort of climactic shift in their thought process.
I would not be holding my breath however.
Great post as always.
@brett
Listening to your conversations, I heard things I wasn’t old enough to hear, so point taken.
And I don’t try to swear in front of kids. The opposite. I also try to be quieter. And less obnoxious. But a man need to know his limitations.
@mcsqueak
Dingsdingadingading! Nicely done. And @Steampunkwas close, I attended a meeting today in Reading. Lovely people. More Rule V than in the city.
But yes, I was in Philly. And drove up the famous Manayunk Wall. The (formerly known as) Coorestates Championiships has to be the oldest Pro bike race in the US, no? First time I was in awe driving up a street in the same way I’ve been in awe in Europe.
Except that now that I live in Seattle, it’s just not that steep. Sorry fellas. The sustained 17% ramp is perhaps long, but e grade is not that brutal. After several laps, well, I’ll let you know when I come next time and bring my bike.
Speaking of Rule V; from Jen’s Twitter post today: “Funny thing happened to me in today stage! A bee was sitting on my lip and i thought leave the bee in peace, she won’t sting you…”, “Wrong guess, she did, and then i decided to live up to my image and swallowed her and did chew every bit of honey out of that bee!!!“, “Take that little bug as punishment for messing with me!!”.
@frank
And I’m from Wisconsin.
@LA Dave
The thing that kills me the most is that these people are skinny but unfit. They obviously watch what they eat (and the vodka they drink, apparently – probably organic free range gluten-free vodka – but cant be bothered to exercise. They’ve got it easy, they have the genetics to be fit and as thin as is healthy, but they just don’t exercise. They are skinny-fat. Too bad.
@Oli
Likewise.
@Sauterelle
So what are you saying, you’re looking for the blokes wearing the cheese hats?
@scaler911
Oh, how I wish how I wish how I wish he would have carried on to say he swallowed it to climb faster, and clarify the technicality between a bee and a wasp.
That guy is legend. I hope he keeps racing until he’s sixty.
@mcsqueak
Yes, I’ll give it to you right before we start the Cogal.
I have camo shorts that are great for wrenching, cos they a) have lotsa pockets and b) they don’t show how much grease and crap gets all over them.
Of course, I suffer from numerous first world problems. My coffee is frequently what I consider ‘not good’. I fret about how much money I pay to live in a nice house. I spend ‘too much’ money on bikes and cycling. And I struggle to keep a sense of perspective on life and the things that piss me off.
I do try not to whine though.
@frank
If you’re in Philly and don’t stop in at Monk’s Café (16th & Spruce), you’re dead to me. Incredible selection of Belgian beers. We used to live just around the corner, behind the Kimmel Center. Fond memories…
@brett
Ha, I completely agree. I actually had a parent get rather annoyed with me for cussing at a sporting event. Yeah, not a pub so a bit different. I was a bit younger though, and a bit brash. I told the mom, “They’re gonna hear it sometime, why not today?” I don’t think she liked that response. I do think I wouldn’t respond in such a way these days.