The Rule #5 Talk
Have a look around to see who you find occupying your immediate vicinity. Presently, I am surrounded by a pleasant-seeming bunch. Some are even going so far as to appear happy or at least not displeased; all of them are pale and none of them fit. My attention is drawn, however, to a a portly mustached gentleman who strode into the hotel lobby with an enormous degree of self confidence and who as such feels justified in wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt bearing a phrase which asserts that real men wear orange. While I have no reason to disagree with the assertion, I assume he is optimistic that through wearing said t-shirt, he will be mistaken for a “real man” and is not in fact attempting to disprove the point through contrast.
I’m not picking on this gent not because I’m harboring any sense of ill-will towards him, nor for the fact that he strode into the hotel lobby carrying a twelve pack of Yuengling Black and Tan. I’m picking on him mostly because I have come to understand that “real men” are capable of crushing things like soda cans and their opponents’ Will to Live, while from the looks of it, the only thing he’s crushed lately was a ham sandwich whose remnants I’m fairly certain I spotted on the front of his bright orange t-shirt.
Surprisingly, our Orange Hero isn’t even the most disappointing case in the room I’m occupying. The guy in the camouflage, knee-long shorts and flip-flops is an example at least two degrees worse; if he harbors hopes of blending in to anything – most of all foliage – I suggest he spend some time outside to brew himself up a tan that goes beyond TV Translucent (I’m not sure what the pantone value is for that). He should also try lifting his computer some time, to build muscle mass, rather than wheeling it about in a trolly. But worst of all by a considerable gap is the skinny-fat chap with carefully disheveled hair who is presently chastising the bartender – who is serving free drinks to hotel patrons – for not having his preferred brand of vodka on hand. If this guy took half the time he spent worrying about his hair and invested it in not worrying about his free drink, he’d be three-quarters less of a douche. (My dad would call this guy a zacht gekookt ei, or soft-boiled egg.)
All this to say that as a society we have, by and large, become soft. While I want to be careful not to paint too broadly with that brush as no one is to say what hardships people have been through, on balance we seem to expect to take more and to be asked to give less in return. Our ancestors worked harder than we did, in worse conditions, for less reward but found satisfaction in a job well done and an honest day’s work. Yet today, we are overly dependent on t-shirts to send a message about who we are rather than our actions. We fill our conversations with sentiments of entitlement and rights, when in fact we are entitled to nothing and we have the right only to the things we find within ourselves.
As Cyclists, however easy our lives may be, the bicycle brings us some degree of hardship and struggle. For many of us, our easy lives are what draw us to the bicycle in pursuit of a harder life. This is, of course, in stark contrast that to the riders who came before us, the legion of Fausto Coppi, Rik van Looy, and even the comparatively well-off Eddy Merckx who chose the bicycle as a means of escape from a harder life into an easier one. But nevertheless, it sets us appart. The lessons the bicycle teaches us can be applied to the rest of our lives, and may be used to guide the uninitiated.
Our pets go untrained because we are too busy, distracted, or stressed out to show them the discipline they crave. Our children scream as our dependence on secondary care blurs the boundary between parent and friend. Society’s BMI is pushed ever upward as our appetite for a meal grows inversely with our willingness to exercise. By and large, our dependence on the material is fueled by the immaterial.
No child is too young, no adult too old. This is the time to Obey the Rules, Lead by Example, and Guide the Uninitiated. But most of all, this is the time for us to set an example and have The Talk. The Rule #5 Talk. And remember what Will Fotheringham refers to as Rule #5.b: Eddy Never Complained.
VLVV.
@frank
Only 0.6k? Not even really that long. I guess neat to have it in the middle of the city, but there are a few variants around here that do 15-20% for at least that long. Painful, but not iconic…
@frank
Awesome, it’ll be like that stupid tofu po’boy I had the night before the PDX cogal.
Who is that in the blue jersey with the stars on it with race number 115? That Rik, obvs, in the bands, so that means 1962. This is Roubaix, and this will make his second of three wins in the race (the first to take the treble). So I don’t think that’s the US PRo Champ, but that’s the only jersey I can think of with a blue top with stars. What am I missing?
@Ron
You are a Southerner now. The brash kid? A New Yorker.
@mcsqueak
Tofu and Po’Boy, two words that should never be said together. That’s your problem right there, matey.
@Steampunk
We have them in Seattle, too. The ramp did seem to sustain the 17% for a longish period, more than the 100-200 meters that the steepest bit of a climb normally lasts, with variations before and after. This did seem to be a long run of consistent pitch.
The worste is Dravus in Seattle. Looong, with pitches that keep getting steeper and steeper, ending with a block-long concrete (why is concrete harder to climb on than tarmac?) stretch at 28%. Bru-tal. That will learn you about steep climbs.
@Steampunk
Sorry, dead to you now, I guess. Was working, and all that. No time for touring, but next time, I expect I’ll do so – big history fan and this city is important. And, I’m guessing, more interesting with a Belgian brew in the belly.
@frank
I have been wondering the same thing! Oli, we need some help here! (you can probably claim any starter for that year as how the hell will we know if you are right or not???)
@frank
Damn man! I lived in Philly for a year and worked at 9th and Walnut and never went to that place either. Where were you in 2006 when I needed you Steamy!?!?! and yes, awesome US history in Philly. Too cool of a city. I love Philly.
@Steampunk
Yeah, you were a good influence on me for about a month. I’m curious to hear what you have to say at about 5 pm on the 28th of June, though (that is, if I am still alive and even within 20 miles of you guys!).
@Buck Rogers
While we wait for Oli-Wan Kenobi to work that out, I just re-heard one of my favorite quotes from It Might Get Loud:
Making the strong claim that life itself is a creative field (it is to me), this rings true very strongly for me.
@frank
Why is concrete harder to climb than bitumen (or tarmac as you call it)? It aint the concrete – its just that concrete is a good sign that the road is fucking steep.
It is too hard to use bitumen/macadam/tarmac on slopes that are too steep because it will flow down the hill on really hot days.
This fact was brought to you in my best Cliffy Claven voice.
and the concrete can be scored for extra traction. if only I could remember important things from school.
@Buck Rogers
I spent a year at 15th & Spruce (2004-5) and must have walked past your future place on a regular basis as I made my way to the Chemical Heritage Foundation (best not to ask) at 3rd & Chestnut, righ in the heart do Society Hill and the old city. Very fond memories of the city.
17:00 on June 28: if I’m not dead and asking to be put back on my bike, I’ll be smiling beatifically. And maybe suggesting that Monk’s is only a short ride from here and we should stop there for drinks.
@frank
Or he might just be thinking..”oh camo cargo pants on sale at the Gap outlet. Just the thing for kicking about the garage while I clean my bikes or just the thing for nipping down to the beach in…” What a load of hogwash..he just might not be thinking at all. I would say if a service man or ex-service man is offended by people wearing anything camo they should have a word with themselves about rule V.
@frank “Likewise”? What are you, six? That doesn’t answer my criticism of your inanity, and your quote doesn’t either – FYI, even though it’s in the same sentence that’s a totally different issue. Which kind of proves my comprehension point, really.
@paolo
Amen, brother.
@Oli
Weird…Oil is the voice of reason
@Ron
And you didn’t get punched in the mouth?
Yeah, see, there’s cussing at sporting events and there’s cussing at sporting events. I’ve heard some pretty fruity stuff yelled in front of young ears at the football, and seen some confrontation over it. But, there’s a whole stadium of empty seats and these people sit there because its a ‘better atmosphere.’
lol…oil…I got oil on the brain. Oli!!
I’m finding that it’s more fun to observe this place than throw my hat in the ring at times. What a show.
@Calmante
Better not be a camouflage hat mate!
@frank
I don’t know the rider, but he’s riding for the French Rochet cycling team – Rochet were a bicycle manufacturer. The team lasted in various incarnations from (I think) the end of WW2 until the early-mid sixties. The jersey was all blue with white stars, but I can’t find any more images, I’m afraid.
brett – I did not get punched in the mouth. I don’t know if it was having an older brother or playing sports from a very young age where you could get into a fight but…I’ve been punched in the face very few times considering the types of situations I’ve gotten into. Call is a skill! I toe the line, but have been able to mostly avoid getting punched or into fights.
@paolo, @Oli
I’ve never heard a serviceman complain about people wearing came, but to me, waliking around in shorts that bear the same or similar desert-camo shorts that servicemen from all over the world are dying in today is disrespectful; certainly the military hasn’t got the patent on camo but the association is clear.
If the Velominati care enough about leader and championship jerseys to show them respect by not wearing them, surely we can make this jump. And, if they’re not thinking about it at all, as is probably the case, well that’s just that much worse. The US at least still has people getting shot over there.
I find that placing meaning in symbols is very fulfilling. Isn’t that all we do here? I’ve said my peace on this and am moving on.
Final statement: my fucking god I hate typing on an iPad. Strack out.
@Oli
Oh holy hell. I did a google image search for Rochet Cycling, and lookie at the mess this turned up!
http://www.google.com/search?q=rochet%20cyling%20team&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&client=safari&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=QWq0T-L7JabI2AWMl70a&biw=1024&bih=672&sei=T2q0T4bBAYPG2wXM_qEc
Right time to read this article after the story below made the rounds this morning…
Girl sues high school for not getting her in to the uni degree she wanted
Now I know those of you stateside are well acquainted with frivolous lawsuits but they’re still something of an oddity out here…irony being she’ll most likely still not get the message she wasn’t cut out for the law when the suit gets thrown out!
@Ron
Ron – you should have been punched more.
@Nate
Truer words. She’ll always be more adept than me at fookin toning it down.
@frank
Portland is the only city on the planet where you can get kick ass beer and pub food, and you can get a tofu Po’Boy. I’ve never really figured that out. Good beer should always go with Frites and mostly dead cow in a proper pub.
OK, time to get back to discussing things that are important. This just came in the mail:
Discuss.
@scaler911
You Americans and your use of the words “planet” and “world”. In Melbourne the Po’Boy comes to you. Great pub food and beer, of course. Not sure if they do tofu – I don’t live there anymore.
@Blah
Suppose you’re right about that. But I have been out of the country a time or three. That is fine looking I must say.
Who says irony is dead… an article about Rule #5 turns into an audition for the part of Grandpa Simpson.
@frank
Utterly ridiculous. Next thing we won’t be able to wear boots because the army wears them. Or Oakleys. Or pants.
Of all the tenuous and inane stretches one could take, this is the most tenuous and inane ever.
@wiscot
Yes you are quite right and I wouldn’t think of questioning someone of his calibre on his rule adherence. Good vid too, thanks
@frank
P.S. By the way, I sincerely hope that the US Armed Forces aren’t putting their troops into combat wearing camo shorts…
@Nate
Awesome photo. Never seen that one before but that is exactly the look I go for when I’m in deep winter training mode here in England- looks like I’ve been channeling the Van Looy for a while now without realising it! I’m on the path!
@Buck Rogers
Camden however = toilet
@scaler911
Hehe – I am acting all worldly there.
I had to google “po’boy Melbourne” and was surprised to see what po’boy was. Not surprised there was a truck selling it; I just figured if it was food we had it.
@ChrisO
Yep. I applaud some of the sentiment expressed in the article, but what’s followed isn’t exactly covering folks in glory.
@minion
You just can’t see my glory because it’s camouflaged.
@Oli
Probably best to not refer to your ‘guns’ anymore either.
In fact, don’t mention the war. I did once but I think I got away with it.
@frank
..and the centre-pulls, Weinman like levers, with no hoods, the only clamped on bidon cage, the frame pump clamp on the seat tube, whit tape, chrome on rear stays and fork crown, plus on the chrome on the other bikes in pic, including mudguard/pannier eyelets on the green machine, fork rake on bike 115 and extra long down tube levers – for leverage, bare trees = winter/early spring = cold, the length of knicks, white socks, wind up wrist watch, rainbow stripes, bike weighs 11kg and on the drops! The top end of Rule V!
@brett
I agree, as long as you are talking about a “bar.” Why would I want to take my kids into a place like that, anyway?
But if you’re talking about “microbrewery/restaurants” or “bar & grills” that advertise as being family friendly, that’s different. I take my kids to those places, and I expect a certain amount of restraint from the other patrons.
@The Oracle
I bring my kids to the boozer with me so I can start fights with cunts who swear. My 8 yo loves to scream “Beat the fucking shit out of him Dad”.
She loves her Pa.
@frank
Hey, don’t dis the cheese hats. They make for great bike helmets, and are totally aero, ala the “flying wedge”:
@ChrisO
You forgot the picture of Grandpa in fatigues:
But anyway, to the extent your comment covers me, point taken. I’ll go back to my usual don’t-take-anything-I-say-seriously modus operandi.
Except when talking about cheeseheads. Nobody better say a word about them.
@Oli
While you seem to know a thing or two about cycling, you sure don’t know how to shut the fuck up. You are a complete dick.
@The Boomstick
Submit to Rule #43
@Marcus
tempting. not going to take the bait…