The Rule #5 Talk
Have a look around to see who you find occupying your immediate vicinity. Presently, I am surrounded by a pleasant-seeming bunch. Some are even going so far as to appear happy or at least not displeased; all of them are pale and none of them fit. My attention is drawn, however, to a a portly mustached gentleman who strode into the hotel lobby with an enormous degree of self confidence and who as such feels justified in wearing an ill-fitting t-shirt bearing a phrase which asserts that real men wear orange. While I have no reason to disagree with the assertion, I assume he is optimistic that through wearing said t-shirt, he will be mistaken for a “real man” and is not in fact attempting to disprove the point through contrast.
I’m not picking on this gent not because I’m harboring any sense of ill-will towards him, nor for the fact that he strode into the hotel lobby carrying a twelve pack of Yuengling Black and Tan. I’m picking on him mostly because I have come to understand that “real men” are capable of crushing things like soda cans and their opponents’ Will to Live, while from the looks of it, the only thing he’s crushed lately was a ham sandwich whose remnants I’m fairly certain I spotted on the front of his bright orange t-shirt.
Surprisingly, our Orange Hero isn’t even the most disappointing case in the room I’m occupying. The guy in the camouflage, knee-long shorts and flip-flops is an example at least two degrees worse; if he harbors hopes of blending in to anything – most of all foliage – I suggest he spend some time outside to brew himself up a tan that goes beyond TV Translucent (I’m not sure what the pantone value is for that). He should also try lifting his computer some time, to build muscle mass, rather than wheeling it about in a trolly. But worst of all by a considerable gap is the skinny-fat chap with carefully disheveled hair who is presently chastising the bartender – who is serving free drinks to hotel patrons – for not having his preferred brand of vodka on hand. If this guy took half the time he spent worrying about his hair and invested it in not worrying about his free drink, he’d be three-quarters less of a douche. (My dad would call this guy a zacht gekookt ei, or soft-boiled egg.)
All this to say that as a society we have, by and large, become soft. While I want to be careful not to paint too broadly with that brush as no one is to say what hardships people have been through, on balance we seem to expect to take more and to be asked to give less in return. Our ancestors worked harder than we did, in worse conditions, for less reward but found satisfaction in a job well done and an honest day’s work. Yet today, we are overly dependent on t-shirts to send a message about who we are rather than our actions. We fill our conversations with sentiments of entitlement and rights, when in fact we are entitled to nothing and we have the right only to the things we find within ourselves.
As Cyclists, however easy our lives may be, the bicycle brings us some degree of hardship and struggle. For many of us, our easy lives are what draw us to the bicycle in pursuit of a harder life. This is, of course, in stark contrast that to the riders who came before us, the legion of Fausto Coppi, Rik van Looy, and even the comparatively well-off Eddy Merckx who chose the bicycle as a means of escape from a harder life into an easier one. But nevertheless, it sets us appart. The lessons the bicycle teaches us can be applied to the rest of our lives, and may be used to guide the uninitiated.
Our pets go untrained because we are too busy, distracted, or stressed out to show them the discipline they crave. Our children scream as our dependence on secondary care blurs the boundary between parent and friend. Society’s BMI is pushed ever upward as our appetite for a meal grows inversely with our willingness to exercise. By and large, our dependence on the material is fueled by the immaterial.
No child is too young, no adult too old. This is the time to Obey the Rules, Lead by Example, and Guide the Uninitiated. But most of all, this is the time for us to set an example and have The Talk. The Rule #5 Talk. And remember what Will Fotheringham refers to as Rule #5.b: Eddy Never Complained.
VLVV.
@niksch
Yeah, knew I had seen it in Stars and Stripes, just wasn’t sure on which deployment. Three years ago today I was just outside Baghdad. Man, soooooo glad NOT to be there now!
@The Oracle
I’m not to sure which one, after the bar monologue? I was thinking the naked dolls having a good time scene. Either way, hilarious.
@Ron
Might have been the same guy who painted this sign. Spotted just outside Chapel Hill on our drive out as we moved to Seattle.
[dmalbum: path=”/download.dutchmonkey.com/Media/Pictures/Close%20D/”]
@mcsqueak
I bet he hasn’t even got a name tag!
@frank
Did he run out of space or write “closd”, and then realize his mistake and attempt to rectify it. It really looks like the “E” is a modified “D” with the end torn off.
@razmaspaz
And when making fun of other’s mistakes it is a good rule not to make mistakes of your own!
@razmaspaz
You mean like quoting the wrong post?
@frank
That’s the mistake I was referring to yes!
@frank
I love that Eddy shows up for your group rides!
/Not funny? Ok, I’m done.. back to work. Yay excel spreadsheets…
@Buck Rogers
4 years since I was in ‘Stan. Ditto.
Just makes me think that any given “The Talk” (no matter the subject) will have Rule #5 in the shadows.@Nate
Help me look for any chance to post using (Tony Clifton voice)@frank
@frank
Seen on local rides in Wisconsin: Firewod and Firewud. Short on space or education, hard to tell . . .
@The Oracle
Anyone seen Zak & Miri Make A Porno?
@versio
Couple of things by coincidence. Stopped by a flagger last night (on a stretch of road to be featured in the WI Cogal), Had time to chat to the flagger who was surprisingly attractive. Had a nice chat and she waved/walkie-talkie’d me through. The flagger at the other end was pretty cute and I believe I was one one of two vehicles (for ant of a better term) that was let through. Flagger #2 was looking out for me t make sure I got through ok.
Later on I get passed by a young guy on a moped going in the opposite direction. Dissed me first time but gave a wave when he overtook me 15 mins later. Why do I always think these guys have lost their driving licenses or had them suspended? This wasn’t in a city or town where he might be a student or worried about parking. Oh well, got a lovely 104 kms in for the evening so all was well.
@wiscot
A lot of flaggers (or floggers, as a perv old ER doc I used to ride with called ’em) look good until a few years of too much sun and too many Marlboro reds make them look like this:
Photo (NSFL)
@scaler911
You’re all welcome. BTW, check out where the bikini top is. HA, I kill myself sometimes.
@ The Boomstick
The first sentence is most probably entirely correct, but I dispute the second as I feel more of a pussy than a dick.
Sorry to all who were upset by my vigorous defence of my words…
@scaler911
Dammit, I could handle pics of Cipollini in wookie shorts and whole body scans of fat people, but this is going way too far.
Puked in mouth at first.@scaler911Here’s a Marlboro Pack-Belt-Water-Bottle-Holder-Hiking-Cycling-Gear-Bag-Pouch (Ebay) to stay healthy. Or just carry cigarettes.
@scaler911,@The Oracle
In the interest of keeping the vomit levels low, converted that photo to a link. Holy leathery nastiness, if ever there was a case for wearing sun screen, that’s it.
Relevant to cycling, she was wearing a skin suit.@frank
@Marcus
Gold, absolute gold.
Interesting to note the complete absence of Calmante and Campagnolo Vince! in this thread…
@scaler911
I clearly owe you a debt, one I hope to be able to repay in kind one day. If I’m in the room, even better.
Shuddering like a maladjusted brake right now.
@minion
versio is Campagnolo vince.
@frank
She looks like a human sausage casing.
Has anyone theorized why Rik might be riding without any hoods?
Also, what are the feelings on Yuengling? I have some friends that really hate the stuff. I’m not a fan, but don’t find it terrible. It is pretty amazing though how wide its distribution has spread in a few years though.
@The Boomstick
Try express any differences by re-posting this (Letterman video).
@Ron
I have not had it, but the only beer I will actually turn down is PBR. Ugh. Nasty shit. I can handle me some Hamms or Olympia (or Old German, or Iron City, or Coors, or Miller… I could go on and on), but PBR is really not worth the taste to drink.
@mcsqueak
This must be the place to name the “best” beer — suitable to consecrate an epic ride.
@frank
Must have lived in parallel universes on first road bikes, I too had a Raleigh. It was a Europa. Permanently borrowed off my dad! He didn’t mind. This was circa 1984/1985.
Clamped on, DT shifters, bidon cage, TT cable guides. Had to break off the rear stay centrepull cable locater. Couldn’t get the brazed on light mount off the forks.
It originally had Simplex gears and Weinman C-pull brakes. Up-graded to Shimano 600EX running gear + levers, with Dia-Compe G brakes, Mavic 700c rims, Stronglight cranks, condor saddle on a steel pole.
@scaler911
You know what’d be hilarious? If that turned out to be a guy. Be some serious questions being asked.
@frank
@sthilzy
I had the same bike too! With a Brooks saddle. Bike appropriated from an (unknowing) older brother whilst he was overseas. I thought it was super fast because the frame had the Olympic rings logo on it. I eventually completely wrecked the thing by pulling it apart -with no clues whatsoever about wrenching – just presumed I could put it back together.
I dismantled it as I wanted to spray paint it silver. Which I did – very very badly. Then was obviously unable to re-assemble. Left it in the shed, brother returned a few months later and he was less then happy… A (much deserved) beating ensued.
@Marcus
Or maybe it was the world champ rings? I cant recall…
@The Boomstick
What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. (Cool Hand Luke)
Some men you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it… well, he gets it. I don’t like it any more than you men.
@Marcus
Both! Olympic rings on the top tube, World champ stripes around the down tube, just above where the shifters go.
@sthilzy
nice! think mine was a bit older – I recall my graphics weren’t as “modern” as yours.
@Dan_R
& @ Buck Rogers
I left Bagdhad, well actually Sadr City & COP Callahan in early May 1998. My last tour…of a few.
Then I came home to Colorado to ride my fuckin’ bike!!! Rule V you fargin basteges!
@mcsqueak
I”ll drink PBR or Buckhorn or Ballantine, or even IC Light. It’s all like water.
@Marcus
I had the older ones as well, as per pic above (#231).
The link was a quick Google for Europa for jogging out memories.
I do have some close up pics of my Europa back in the day – somewhere?!
And I’ve kepted the head tube badge – somewhere?!
sthilzy – Woah, that’s a really cool photo! Wish I had one of me on some of my first bikes.
Love that simple watch! When did it become so cool to wear a brick on one’s wrist? Seems like both men & women are wearing enormous watches these days. I like a slim, light one, less weight on the arms when cycling.
And sweet adidas socks! Love how long many of you have been at this addiction…
@The Boomstick
Posting just so Oli isn’t swamped by those against him. I agree with all that Oli has said (apart from his glory being camouflaged – that’s just made up.).
Been silent because people obviously get worked up about it, but your comment is just over the top.
@the Engine
Fixed your post.
Mercxk damn your eyes, F-F-F-Frank Spencer, you got me in the end. I was trying to keep my nose out of it, but you got me: I’m on a day off, and in light of your Jack White quote, chucked on some White Stripes while I slob around at home. Now I’ve got a nice stereo, and haven’t listened to the White Stripes for a while, so your comment that technology gets in the way got me thinking about ipods and how I’ve never used one and how they actually fuck me off. So, you hate t shirts and people with hair, Oli hates agreeing with anything, and now you’ve got me too.
I fucking hate ipods. Or more, I enjoy the time and contemplation that being able to walk, or ride somewhere without an external narrative gives me, and I also hate what the mentality that thrive son ipods has done to music. Albums that exist to be listened to from beginning to end seem to be harder to make, and the pool of people who make genuinely creative music that they’ve sweated for, is getting older, and smaller. It may be that I’ve just ducked into the 90’s music in my collection as a genre, which has had 15 years or so to be distilled down, and the same will happen to the music I buy now, but fuck me it seems to be going the wrong way.
On the upside, Scaler’s theme song was something I hadn’t listened to for a while.
Post Synopsis:
1. Great Article Frank
2. I’ll behave how I like
3. I don’t like your kids behaving how they like
4. Camo is just for “our boys”
5. Oli – “no it’s not”
6. Frank and Oli disagree about what Oli was trying to say
7. Merckx
8. Minion – The voice of reason (WTF?)
9. Oli’s a Dick, Oli Shut the Fuck up.
10. Raleighs
Does that about cover it Ladies and Gents?
I hear there’s a race going on in Italy at the moment.
By the way, what happened to updating the VSP standings after each stage? Or does that only happen for LeTour?
@mouse
Oh and one more thing you forgot to add, anyone that lets their kids anywhere near Bretto needs their head read…
@minion
So I’ve met a couple of the VM in person, and that’s fantastic. And, I dare say, made some friends. But there’s a bunch of folks I’ve not met in person, nor may ever. But I have to say this; if I was given a wad of cash that could only be spent on meeting one person from here that you otherwise wouldn’t meet, it’d be @minion. Shitty beer in Australia, or New Zealand, or Fiji (where the fuck do you live?), Vegemite, poisonous snakes. It’d be a good time no doubt. Hell, I might just do it anyway.
Now, back out to the garage to sober up.
@Blah
Clarification (Cool Hand Luke) is aimed at The Boomstick.
@scaler911
If meeting Minion is your goal, I suggest you certainly should proceed to your garage. Once there, find some rope and hang yourself. To be safe shut all the doors and turn the car on too.
@mouse
Fuckin A’ brother!! Or is it Merckx A’??
+1 from me, not that it counts for much. The discussion derailed on camo shorts/pants, and I think we can all agree that the wearing of in general public is a fashion faux pas in general societal terms. (and this from me having grown up in southern Illinois!)
I agree about our friend minion coming in at the last hours as the mediator…who would have thought? I LOVE that guy!