Heeeere's Danny!
[rule number=50]
Back when this Rule was coined, it seemed to have little meaning or relevance at all to Cycling. The only beard we’d ever witnessed on a Cyclist was that of the nasty Russian guy in American Flyers, and we all knew he, like Kevin Costner’s acting ability, didn’t actually exist.
Then along came Pantani, plus a slew of mountain bikers in the early 90s sporting goatees and variations of pointy sideburns, not the cool kind like the true stylemeisters De Vlaeminck and The Prophet wore. The goatee quickly became a partody of itself, especially when paired with dyed flouro-coloured hair, or worse, dyed as well as the hair. Sadly, I was guilty on all counts, culminating in an embarrassing situation when my best friend’s father died a couple of days after I turned my head a retina-scorching shade of Slazenger Yellow. It made for some welcome lightening of the mood at the funeral and wake though. It’s how he would’ve wanted it, so his widow told me, without a hint of irony or sarcasm. When Il Pirata did it on the Champs Elysees a few years later, I felt somewhat vindicated for my funeral faux pas. The crux of it though was both The Pirate and I looked ridiculous, even if we felt like rebels, but it did predicate the Pantani Clause in Rule #51.
That’s the whole trouble with the beard epidemic of the last year or so. When one person does something that goes against the grain of society, they’re a rebel by default. If the whole of the population, or close to it, is doing it, then it’s just a flock of sheep situation. And you know who stands out then? The sheep who’s been shorn. Maybe he’s covered in bloody cuts and nicks and has a few dags hanging off his arse, but he’s still the one that everyone is looking at. When Luca Paolini showed up with the makings of a full ginger bushranger face a couple of seasons ago, he garnered attention because it was individualistic. “The guy with the beard” stood out like dog’s balls. Then one or two others started sprouting some stubble here, a moustache there. It worked a treat for my mate Alex when he turned up at the World Cup cyclocross races in 2012 with his full handlebar upper lip warmer, because he stood out. Now there’re other imitators playing the same card with not as much success, because it’s been done. Originality is key.
I say it’s time for the beard to be banished from the peloton, and the bunches of the world. It’s time we took the razor to our faces as well as our legs; another mate Josh has even gone the extra step and has started using a cutthroat blade. If hipsters have taught us one thing, it’s that anything cool will soon be tarnished, besmirched and ruined by their appropriation of it. They did it to the Cycling Cap, and we’re only just reclaiming its rightful position as For Cycling Only. The beard, well we can let them have it, because it is soiling good reputations of fit men with smooth guns, smooth faces and smooth pates that are a hallmark of our sport. Shit, when even Tommeke has more hair on his chin than on his head, things have gone too far.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/brettok@velominati.com/facial hair/”/]
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View Comments
@brypeter
Not an option for EVERY man I'm afraid. Despite fathering three children I apparently lack the necessary hormonal input to produce facial hair that looks like anything beyond random sprouting.
I am currently experimenting though - my enforced absence from work has allowed me the liberty to try to shape something, although it's not going well.
Another week of wifely ridicule should settle it.
@ChrisO
Any Wifely ridicule is deserved. How's the recuperation going?
Never had a beard. Going 48 hours without shaving drives me nuts. I'm also of an age when the stubble lacks any pigment if you know what I mean. Growing a beard would just be too much confirmation of the aging process.
My youngest will turn 38 this year and does not remember me without a full-face (but shortly trimmed) beard. I'm not inclined to shave it off now.
No, please no. This whole bald head/goatee cliche needs to stop, post haste.
My name is neither Marco nor Pantani but the goatee stays. I did stop were a bandana when cycling years ago though. My upper lip has not seen the light of day since 1976. The one time I shaved my weak chin since then my mother didn't even notice.
Marco's picture reminds me of a time out ice climbing when a friend reached over to snap off an icicle from another climber and took out half his mustache in the process.
If you ride in minus 20 degrees Celsius conditions. You can wear4 your facial hair any way you choose.
@Ron
On behalf of fat people everywhere I denounce this whole post.
@Oli
Oli, I doubt you're of the "fat" variety being discussed here. For a lot of "fat" guys, the beard is an unconvincing way to hide double and triple chins.
Boonen is trimming close to the head because he is seriously thinning. Frankly, it's about the only way to go as if you're thinning or balding, trying to compensate with more hair or, Merckx forbid, a combover, is ridiculous. BTW, this is coming from someone whose hairline is slowly and inexorably moving further up my forehead and who has a thinning patch at the crown. And a lot of salt and pepper too.
Remember, let's no go down the same road as Mario Beccia . . .
@seemunkee
I used to ride motorbikes 12 months of the year. On one occasion in freezing fog the same happened to my eyebrows when I tried to put the ice off them.