Heeeere's Danny!
[rule number=50]
Back when this Rule was coined, it seemed to have little meaning or relevance at all to Cycling. The only beard we’d ever witnessed on a Cyclist was that of the nasty Russian guy in American Flyers, and we all knew he, like Kevin Costner’s acting ability, didn’t actually exist.
Then along came Pantani, plus a slew of mountain bikers in the early 90s sporting goatees and variations of pointy sideburns, not the cool kind like the true stylemeisters De Vlaeminck and The Prophet wore. The goatee quickly became a partody of itself, especially when paired with dyed flouro-coloured hair, or worse, dyed as well as the hair. Sadly, I was guilty on all counts, culminating in an embarrassing situation when my best friend’s father died a couple of days after I turned my head a retina-scorching shade of Slazenger Yellow. It made for some welcome lightening of the mood at the funeral and wake though. It’s how he would’ve wanted it, so his widow told me, without a hint of irony or sarcasm. When Il Pirata did it on the Champs Elysees a few years later, I felt somewhat vindicated for my funeral faux pas. The crux of it though was both The Pirate and I looked ridiculous, even if we felt like rebels, but it did predicate the Pantani Clause in Rule #51.
That’s the whole trouble with the beard epidemic of the last year or so. When one person does something that goes against the grain of society, they’re a rebel by default. If the whole of the population, or close to it, is doing it, then it’s just a flock of sheep situation. And you know who stands out then? The sheep who’s been shorn. Maybe he’s covered in bloody cuts and nicks and has a few dags hanging off his arse, but he’s still the one that everyone is looking at. When Luca Paolini showed up with the makings of a full ginger bushranger face a couple of seasons ago, he garnered attention because it was individualistic. “The guy with the beard” stood out like dog’s balls. Then one or two others started sprouting some stubble here, a moustache there. It worked a treat for my mate Alex when he turned up at the World Cup cyclocross races in 2012 with his full handlebar upper lip warmer, because he stood out. Now there’re other imitators playing the same card with not as much success, because it’s been done. Originality is key.
I say it’s time for the beard to be banished from the peloton, and the bunches of the world. It’s time we took the razor to our faces as well as our legs; another mate Josh has even gone the extra step and has started using a cutthroat blade. If hipsters have taught us one thing, it’s that anything cool will soon be tarnished, besmirched and ruined by their appropriation of it. They did it to the Cycling Cap, and we’re only just reclaiming its rightful position as For Cycling Only. The beard, well we can let them have it, because it is soiling good reputations of fit men with smooth guns, smooth faces and smooth pates that are a hallmark of our sport. Shit, when even Tommeke has more hair on his chin than on his head, things have gone too far.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/brettok@velominati.com/facial hair/”/]
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View Comments
@wiscot
I blimmin' well AM that variety - my double chin has a double chin! I can't grow a beard to save my life, however. I just don't like to see Ron (or anybody) being so judgemental about people's weight, even though I'm well aware cycling is a weightist sport.
We all have our road to ride and no one is perfect, but at the end of the day no matter how big they are they are out there cycling or jogging and doing their best to not be fat - I think that makes them worthy of some respect.
But then I would say that, I'm a big fatty.
@ChrisO
Doped to the gills?
Glad to hear you're doing better. As the son to a family of doctors, I've heard it said many times that athletes make the best patients. They start out with more muscles, so atrophy hits them less severely. They have high pain thresholds, and they're willing to work hard to recover.
As for Rule 33 adherence, I don't think there's a requirement to shave, but I've found that it made forced periods off the bike a little easier to bear. Reminds us that although the tan lines are fading and the muscle definition disappears, we're still cyclists.
@tessar
Haha, yes Cipo's squadra may have been on a bit more than paracetamol.
I think the athlete-patient thing is also because we regard it as training.
There's a goal but you know you have to build up and the physiotherapist is like a coach - as soon as you nail what you've been given you're expecting a new and slightly harder set.
@Oli
At least we are really fast downhill, right? That's what I tell myself.
I don't like seeing anyone mocked for exercising regardless of what they look like. They should be encouraged. I haven't reached (and never will, damn goalposts seem to be mobile) my fitness goals and neither has the big fella puffin' along at a slow jog, and the fact that I've been working at it longer doesn't make me better than him. We're both out there trying to improve ourselves.
@ChrisO
Glad to hear your recovery is going well! In my experience most physical rehabilitation people are always pleasantly surprised when they get to deal with a determined athlete such as yourself - they spend much of their career helping the elderly or unmotivated.
@ChrisO
"It was the beard thatpowered 90's cycling" and EPO...lots ands lots of EPO.
@unversio
Bi-weekly? I go in around three times a year and that is always painful. I've found a stylist I like (yep, I don't like barbers after years of horrendous cuts as a kid) but the place has no one at the front desk, no reservation system. I actually gave up on Saturday after being mystery bumped twice when I thought it was my turn and someone showed up and had been there before me. I walked out. Going to let the VMH give it a try this weekend.
If it fails big time, I'll be sporting a Boonen-buzz.
ChrisO - Glad to read that you are up and on the mend. Apropos of crashing, though yours was black ice...
An interesting story for all of us who ride on open roads. In my city three cyclists have been hit and killed in the past few months. One driver admitted he saw the cyclist and still pulled out in front of him. Dead 52 year old who was an experienced roadie. DA refusing to prosecute. Experience female cyclist hit and killed while exiting a bike path and entering the road. She was on the sidewalk, crossing in front of a gas station. How fast do you drive away from the pump?! Third guy hit and killed on a road that SHOULD have a bike lane, as it was repaved recently and since 2006 all newly paved roads MUST have a bike lane. Hit and run, still no one arrested. Heard the husband of the bike path-to-road cyclist speak and he said the cops immediately told him, as his dead wife was put into the ambulance that it must have been here fault.
Beaudin got a ticket for falling to move over! Insanity. And it was in a "cycling friendly" area. Damnit.
http://velonews.competitor.com/2015/01/news/road/notes-scrum-thing-love-can-kill_358177
Not mocking fat guys, I was honestly wondering if being big is now in style. I've seen a lot of full figured hip dudes out and about, as well as jogging. These are the Lumbersexual type. I'm baffled by their appearance and aggregation, as well as their prevalence on the MUP when I'm commuting to work.
@Paul
amen! but you can buy stickers and bar tape to prove you're really cool