Heeeere's Danny!
[rule number=50]
Back when this Rule was coined, it seemed to have little meaning or relevance at all to Cycling. The only beard we’d ever witnessed on a Cyclist was that of the nasty Russian guy in American Flyers, and we all knew he, like Kevin Costner’s acting ability, didn’t actually exist.
Then along came Pantani, plus a slew of mountain bikers in the early 90s sporting goatees and variations of pointy sideburns, not the cool kind like the true stylemeisters De Vlaeminck and The Prophet wore. The goatee quickly became a partody of itself, especially when paired with dyed flouro-coloured hair, or worse, dyed as well as the hair. Sadly, I was guilty on all counts, culminating in an embarrassing situation when my best friend’s father died a couple of days after I turned my head a retina-scorching shade of Slazenger Yellow. It made for some welcome lightening of the mood at the funeral and wake though. It’s how he would’ve wanted it, so his widow told me, without a hint of irony or sarcasm. When Il Pirata did it on the Champs Elysees a few years later, I felt somewhat vindicated for my funeral faux pas. The crux of it though was both The Pirate and I looked ridiculous, even if we felt like rebels, but it did predicate the Pantani Clause in Rule #51.
That’s the whole trouble with the beard epidemic of the last year or so. When one person does something that goes against the grain of society, they’re a rebel by default. If the whole of the population, or close to it, is doing it, then it’s just a flock of sheep situation. And you know who stands out then? The sheep who’s been shorn. Maybe he’s covered in bloody cuts and nicks and has a few dags hanging off his arse, but he’s still the one that everyone is looking at. When Luca Paolini showed up with the makings of a full ginger bushranger face a couple of seasons ago, he garnered attention because it was individualistic. “The guy with the beard” stood out like dog’s balls. Then one or two others started sprouting some stubble here, a moustache there. It worked a treat for my mate Alex when he turned up at the World Cup cyclocross races in 2012 with his full handlebar upper lip warmer, because he stood out. Now there’re other imitators playing the same card with not as much success, because it’s been done. Originality is key.
I say it’s time for the beard to be banished from the peloton, and the bunches of the world. It’s time we took the razor to our faces as well as our legs; another mate Josh has even gone the extra step and has started using a cutthroat blade. If hipsters have taught us one thing, it’s that anything cool will soon be tarnished, besmirched and ruined by their appropriation of it. They did it to the Cycling Cap, and we’re only just reclaiming its rightful position as For Cycling Only. The beard, well we can let them have it, because it is soiling good reputations of fit men with smooth guns, smooth faces and smooth pates that are a hallmark of our sport. Shit, when even Tommeke has more hair on his chin than on his head, things have gone too far.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/brettok@velominati.com/facial hair/”/]
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
@american psycho
Cinelli right ?? Stickers. Bar tape. Kinda cool, but seems a bit too much though. Very few have any meaning either. Note this: Waiting for your cogal plan once all this peskiness is out of your system.
Paul and the American Psychos are encouraged to share their path with all of us once they choose a path -- and are then on the path.
@ChrisO
Good to know, hopefully the turbo will help you use your left leg to work flexibility back into the right. Continued best wishes.
@antihero
You've got me there, I'm just jealous because I can't grow a beard worth shit but ease off on the fun police thing, @Paul and @american psycho have that covered.
@ChrisO
Glad to hear it's going well. I think your right about athletes seeing it as training. There's more incentive from the higher goal of getting back to the sport than there is for someone merely wanting to get better.
How long is going to be before you get back to Dubai and work?
@Ron
Bigs in style? Awesome. Maybe I will finally 'fit' in! Lumbersexual might not be my thing though...
@unversio
uh oh! Has all that time living in paradise finally turned @Gianni off the path?
My motto is 'shave legs not faces'. I have also been known to grow my 'race beard' longer for particularly long or hard races. I also have over 200 pink tiny dinosaur heads all over my team kit and legs that a super model would be jealous of.
It seems that confusing competitors into second place can be achieved.
I have had a beard for a few years now, since before I discovered the Joys of the Bike. I keep it a) because I both work and socialise in the 'indie' scene (I am not a hipster; I'm just not cool enough), and b) because it stops me looking ten years younger than I am. Some of the older Velominati may ask "why would you pass up an opportunity to look ten years younger?!" but at the age of 24, with a degree, a wife, and a career (not to mention a Stable to fund the filling of), the beard stays. I feel I should clarify, by 'beard' I mean 'facial hear between 5 and 7mm in length'. Not this Paolini nonsense; I tried it longer, it just got annoying.
However, in line with my compulsive nature, which compel me to adhere to The Rules, I have taken it upon myself to shave it off periodically to see if I look roughly my actual age, and not pre-pubescent. The most recent Shaving has lasted a while due to several job interviews (I daren't turn up with 3-day stubble), but I'm currently undecided. I'm rocking some Merckxian sideburns though, and that's amusing me.
Shit, I meant this to be a twopenny sort of post...I've kind of waffled out a good guinea or so...
I'm shocked and appalled that thread this has become a love-in for beard apologists.
You leave me no choice. I'm not having sex with any of you until you shave those disgusting things off.