Heeeere's Danny!
[rule number=50]
Back when this Rule was coined, it seemed to have little meaning or relevance at all to Cycling. The only beard we’d ever witnessed on a Cyclist was that of the nasty Russian guy in American Flyers, and we all knew he, like Kevin Costner’s acting ability, didn’t actually exist.
Then along came Pantani, plus a slew of mountain bikers in the early 90s sporting goatees and variations of pointy sideburns, not the cool kind like the true stylemeisters De Vlaeminck and The Prophet wore. The goatee quickly became a partody of itself, especially when paired with dyed flouro-coloured hair, or worse, dyed as well as the hair. Sadly, I was guilty on all counts, culminating in an embarrassing situation when my best friend’s father died a couple of days after I turned my head a retina-scorching shade of Slazenger Yellow. It made for some welcome lightening of the mood at the funeral and wake though. It’s how he would’ve wanted it, so his widow told me, without a hint of irony or sarcasm. When Il Pirata did it on the Champs Elysees a few years later, I felt somewhat vindicated for my funeral faux pas. The crux of it though was both The Pirate and I looked ridiculous, even if we felt like rebels, but it did predicate the Pantani Clause in Rule #51.
That’s the whole trouble with the beard epidemic of the last year or so. When one person does something that goes against the grain of society, they’re a rebel by default. If the whole of the population, or close to it, is doing it, then it’s just a flock of sheep situation. And you know who stands out then? The sheep who’s been shorn. Maybe he’s covered in bloody cuts and nicks and has a few dags hanging off his arse, but he’s still the one that everyone is looking at. When Luca Paolini showed up with the makings of a full ginger bushranger face a couple of seasons ago, he garnered attention because it was individualistic. “The guy with the beard” stood out like dog’s balls. Then one or two others started sprouting some stubble here, a moustache there. It worked a treat for my mate Alex when he turned up at the World Cup cyclocross races in 2012 with his full handlebar upper lip warmer, because he stood out. Now there’re other imitators playing the same card with not as much success, because it’s been done. Originality is key.
I say it’s time for the beard to be banished from the peloton, and the bunches of the world. It’s time we took the razor to our faces as well as our legs; another mate Josh has even gone the extra step and has started using a cutthroat blade. If hipsters have taught us one thing, it’s that anything cool will soon be tarnished, besmirched and ruined by their appropriation of it. They did it to the Cycling Cap, and we’re only just reclaiming its rightful position as For Cycling Only. The beard, well we can let them have it, because it is soiling good reputations of fit men with smooth guns, smooth faces and smooth pates that are a hallmark of our sport. Shit, when even Tommeke has more hair on his chin than on his head, things have gone too far.
[dmalbum path=”/velominati.com/content/Photo Galleries/brettok@velominati.com/facial hair/”/]
I know as well as any of you that I've been checked out lately, kind…
Peter Sagan has undergone quite the transformation over the years; starting as a brash and…
The Women's road race has to be my favorite one-day road race after Paris-Roubaix and…
Holy fuckballs. I've never been this late ever on a VSP. I mean, I've missed…
This week we are currently in is the most boring week of the year. After…
I have memories of my life before Cycling, but as the years wear slowly on…
View Comments
Here here! I'm so fucking tired of seeing hobo beards on professional athletes. It's a disgrace. And yes, nothing worse than something thinking they're original but just being a fucking bored sheep.
I've been seeing lots of fat guys with carefully groomed beards. Is being fat now hip? I've even seen a lot of fat guys jogging, which really confuses the shit out of me.
Don't let the PRO peloton become the NBA or MLB. And, I did notice the Boonen enters 2015 with an increasingly bald head.
@Ron
Absolutely ban the beards....as an uncle if mine used to say "Never cultivate
on your face what grows freely around your arsehole!"
@Ron
One has to jog for quite a while before one stops being fat.
I've had a beard for fifteen years now, but I'm a Dirty Mountain Biking Hippie and I couldn't care less about what scrawny hipsters are doing.
Oh so true and so long overdue. It's not only pro cyclists and other sportsmen (I can say men because I've seen no hairy faced ladies since the fall of the Iron Curtain) but it's the other bunches of the world.
I'm in Scottish law enforcement and in particular the armed branch and it's a hirsute epidemic. All you get is 'it's a special forces beard' Fuck off, you are in police not the SAS or the US Seals and you can access a razor on a daily basis because you are not dug into a hole ion the ground watching or waiting on terrorists!
Get a life and stop watching Lone Survivor on repeat.
Rant over. Off for a turbo session.
I did grow a Grizzly Adams Junior beard these past few weeks in winter.
I had shaved it smooth just before my wedding anniversary (today), but in truth the shave happened solely to get right for this past Saturday's ride. Took it down with an electric shaver that prior Friday evening to say "Yo, I'mma gonna shave this!" Then that night I began to prepare to shave for a date with my true love, the road -- and some other guys ??
Brett, science has your back! We've hit Peak Beard, they say.
Beards on a cyclist look shit. On a ghoulish skinny climber they make the face too big. On a Classics hardman they make for terrible Belgian tans. It doesn't fit with skin-tight lycra and the shining, shaven guns.
What about seasonal beards? I've been letting my facial hair grow pretty much unabated since November but intend to remove it no later than March 1 -- the beginning of meteorological spring.
I have to say, the cold weather chin, neck, and cheek warming benefits of riding with a full beard cannot be overstated.
Beards were cute for about 5 seconds, but they became a Thing, and so much of a Thing they've spawned the uncouth term "Lumbersexual" to describe that faux-rugged bar dwelling ironic Pabst drinker that you think might be in a band and hasn't bought a new shirt since his first Alice In Chains show.
At first I thought a better term about have been "Timbersexual", but then I ruminated a bit and decided that "Lumber" was perfect - it came from nature, to be sure, but it's been cleaned, dried, refined, and made uniform to match every other piece of lumber in the yard. Just like the latest wave of apathy-beard models. There's nothing rugged about you and your soy latte, even if you drive a Subaru.
That's not to say that facial hair is verboten. I have a few friends who sport outrageous and innovative mustaches, for example. But I know in most cases their wives (bless them) will not touch them while in this state.
So if you're going to do it, put some creativity into it. Just like the bike and the kit. Don't just get lazy and try to call it art. Grizzly mountain men look as they do because they lack running water and a Dollar Shave Club membership, not because they think they're impressing the elk.
Ullrich's expression in that last photo is priceless.
"Will you *look* at this f'ing guy?"
@JohnB, They call it a "tactical" beard on this side of the pond. Although, I'm unaware of any "tactics" a so-called "tactical" beard was ever a part of.