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A Study in Casually Deliberate: Wait Properly

Casually Deliberate" src="http://www.velominati.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Reporters_adab0bcf0e6a70670.jpg" alt="" width="620" height="508" />

Photo: Reporters Magazine

We spend a small enormity of time waiting. We wait for lights to turn green. We wait for riders to arrive to the ride. We wait for riding partners to finish repairing a flat or mechanical. Due to various practical considerations including the perceived notion that armchairs don’t stuff well into jersey pockets, we generally find ourselves doing our waiting astride our machines rather than more customary accommodations.

Like all Cycling activities, waiting must be undertaken with utmost attention to style and class, with the principles of Casually Deliberate applying in spades. This presents a number of technical challenges, however. Noting that we are clad in full-body spandex, ballet slippers, and what amounts to a hollowed-out coconut on our heads, the matter of looking cool is complicated not insignificantly when seeking to appear at ease perched upon the crossbar of our bikes, a device more likely to be used to provide sterility treatment than comfortable seating.

Take, for example, this photo of Faboo, Burghardt, and Huevo Rancheros. Motorcus and Burggie are using my preferred method of extending the right leg while resting the topmost portion of the hamstring on the top tube just fore of the seatpost. I prefer this technique not only for its obvious casual nature, but for its numerous functional qualities. First, having the right leg, not the left, extended ensures we don’t inadvertently apply the Cat 5 Tattoo. Second, it ensures our hamstring doesn’t become a hamstrung should the right foot suffer unexpected slippage.

Huevo, in contrast, is using an entirely unorthodox approach adopted, I’m assuming, from riding his skuut. Knowing he’s had some work done in the region, I suspect it might be more comfortable for him than for anyone not similarly unaltered and it is with that consideration that I strongly recommend this approach be avoided.

A broad glance at the riders in this photo reveals myriad examples of Waiting Properly while employing subtle differences in execution. The similarities are clear, however:

Under no circumstances is one to look straight ahead or focus on a single object, however interesting that object may be. Instead, always look up or down, or try looking thoughtfully into the distance; just because you’re a Cyclist doesn’t mean you’re not also concerned about world issues.
Just like in band photos, never smile unnecessarily. Sure, you enjoy cycling, but your bike isn’t telling amusing anecdotes. Also don’t frown, because that’s depressing. Accepted facial expressions include keeping a straight face or grimacing because of how hard you just drilled it coming up to the light.
Decide what to do with your hands. Rest your elbows on the tops of your bars, lean with your hands on the hoods on locked elbows, or sit upright with your hands loosely draped in your lap. Experts may mix and match.
Waiting at a café while sipping an espresso and perusing the morning paper may be done while leaning against the toptube of the bicycle, but risks include having the bicycle roll to the right or left unexpectedly, resulting in the obvious undesirable effects.
Waiting at a café may also be undertaken while the bicycle has been lovingly leaned against a nearby wall. In this case, however, one must be careful to read a French daily.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

frank says:

Nov 2 2011 at 7:45 pm

@michael
Yes, basically, we're just trying to be Cycling Jedi Badass Masters.

On an related note, the internet kicks ass. I once had KRX-10 rip all the lightsaber scenes from all Star Wars movies into one back-to-back series of AWESOME. It took him a month, during which I assume he didn't eat, sleep, or drink. Now you can conjure up such things at the flick of the YouTube Wand.
brett says:

Nov 2 2011 at 8:19 pm

@eightzero

I need a ruling from The Keepers on the Cat V tattoo. Would a permanent one (representing 55 teeth) be Cool or Not Cool? I know The V-Cog tattoo is Cool, as @marco has clearly demonstrated, but how about a facimile cut into the guns for real? Or maybe a 48 tooth version representing the numbe of teeth The Prophet pushed to the hour record?

That would be 52, not 48, but I did see a woman racer with a real cat 5 tat and I thought it was fucking hilarious. I say rock it.

Don't listen to Frank...
Nate says:

Nov 2 2011 at 8:42 pm

@eightzero
After you do this, you and Ron can go for a ride, you with your permanent Cat 5 tat and Ron in his replica Carrara demin bibs.
RedRanger says:

Nov 2 2011 at 8:43 pm

@brett
I agree, unless Frank has some ink we dont know about he wouldn't be a good source of advice about tattoos. Now as a person with some epic ink I would highly advise against that idea for a tat.
brett says:

Nov 2 2011 at 9:11 pm

@RedRanger

Yeah, I've never seen a cycling-themed tatt that looks any good... except for Marcus' Pharmy tribute obviously.
frank says:

Nov 2 2011 at 9:44 pm

@Nate

@eightzero
After you do this, you and Ron can go for a ride, you with your permanent Cat 5 tat and Ron in his replica Carrara demin bibs.

Well played, mate.

@RedRanger
Who says I don't? You don't know my life, bitch.

Ok, I give up. I don't.

@brett
OK, settle. It's not like your tramp stamp counts as "epic ink" so you're just as poorly off as I am!
mcsqueak says:

Nov 2 2011 at 10:29 pm

Don't get a chainring tat! Ugh.

If you really want one just let your leg contact a dirty ring and BAM, tattoo without the cost or regret.

One of the best things about Rule 33? Being able to quickly wipe off any dirty lube ("Beavis: Heh heh, he said dirty lube heh") that may inadvertently find it's way onto the side of your calf when trying to look casually deliberate.

Not that I'd ever have to quickly wipe a cat 5 tat from my leg. Never.
ChrisO says:

Nov 2 2011 at 11:27 pm

As a pro-tat person myself I like the idea. It's ironic innit.

I have often wanted to get a cycling-related tattoo, and the calf is a good place because it is often the last place to be covered up when cycling. I also have delusions of creating some dynamic ink effect with my rippling calf muscles.

So would the panel please suggest any alternatives ? A Molteni logo ? The Peugeot checkerband ? Rainbow stripes would probably attract the wrong sort of attention, and representations of Alpe d'Huez may be artistically stretched.

If you're coming at this from the point of view of not liking tattoos in the first place then the fact that it is a Cat5 would be immaterial.
Oli says:

Nov 3 2011 at 12:12 am

@ChrisO
It might be ironic if a thousand wannabes hadn't done it already, but sadly they have so it would just make you an unoriginal wannabe. In general I like tats, by the way.
Gareth says:

Nov 3 2011 at 12:14 am

Haha @frank that photo of Millar suited up is hilarious.

My commuter was out a while back, in hospital (mechanics) and so I was forced to ride my No.1 to work in my suit. It's a rule violation but I felt awesome anyway.