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Body Dysmorphia

These aren't the men you're looking for. Photo: Tim De Waele

I am thrilled to announce that for the first time in my life, my chest measurement is smaller than my hip measurement, an accomplishment I’m not sure many men around the world would be proud to admit. A Cyclist has no use for an upper body, we’re not going about lifting things with our arms; we are the sort of people who do all our lifting with our legs. We just need enough to hold the handlebars and pull from time to time while chewing the bar tape; beyond that, upper bodies are little more than extra weight and I’ve got more of that than I need already.

When I boasted about this tremendous feat to a few work colleagues, none of them showed any appreciation for my accomplishment whatsoever. Mostly they looked at me askance, not unlike how my dog looks at me when I’m talking to her in complete sentences. I could sense them resisting the temptation to start rotating their heads until they fell over like she does. The most any of them could muster was joking about how I must look at the beach, at which point I returned the favor of not having a clue what they were on about. Honestly, I’m much more worried about looking good in my skinsuit than I am about looking good in my mankini.

The first thing one observes when meeting Pro Cyclists is how tiny they are; they look like normal folks on TV but when you see them in real life they look like birds with a gland problem. Alpine ski racers also look like normal people on TV, but when you see them in person you realize they are thrice the size of a normal person, plus two. Either of Bode Miller’s arms are bigger than my right gun, the bigger of the two.

Kate Moss said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Apparently even Kate Moss couldn’t go her whole life without saying something sensible eventually. Being light on a bike is an amazing feeling, and we sacrifice all socially acceptable aesthetics in this pursuit. To be skinny is also to look good on a bike; hunching over a top tube chewing our handlebars isn’t a terribly flattering posture to begin with, one not made any more appealing with a gut protruding into the void.

I’ve never heard a Cyclist say they are happy with their weight, or that they feel they are skinny enough. No matter how skinny we are, we are still too fat. Most Cyclists greet each other with a little pinch on the arm to gauge one another’s weight – the first intimidation of the ride or the first bit of morale, depending on which side of the pinch you are. “Cyclists’ Sizing” is a phenomenon where a rider needs to wear their bibshorts a size bigger than their jersey. This is the maximum body image goal of the Cyclist, to have massive guns and a tiny torso.

I’m on the train, but I’m not there yet. To hasten the journey, I fancy the 5am Spanish Turbo Session in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and casquette in order to kick start my metabolism in the morning. And then I skip breakfast and lunch. And dinner, if I can manage it. I prefer to cut calories out of my food diet than out of my drinking diet; success is all about setting attainable goals.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Teocalli says:

Jan 19 2016 at 3:38 am

@RobSandy

@Teocalli

@RobSandy

The times changing is interesting. Somehow I doubt that the Barry John school of tackling would work these days, great though he was in his day.

What’s that? ‘Run out of the way and leave it to someone else?’.

I see Barry around Cardiff quite regularly. He’s a very keen and dedicated drinker these days.

Yup that's the technique. The old Arms Park used to be more or less level with the water table at High Water back in those days so on a rainy day it was a complete quagmire and I seem to remember Barry John still having a clean shirt at the end of an international.
RobSandy says:

Jan 19 2016 at 3:44 am

@Teocalli

@RobSandy

@Teocalli

@RobSandy

The times changing is interesting. Somehow I doubt that the Barry John school of tackling would work these days, great though he was in his day.

What’s that? ‘Run out of the way and leave it to someone else?’.

I see Barry around Cardiff quite regularly. He’s a very keen and dedicated drinker these days.

Yup that’s the technique. The old Arms Park used to be more or less level with the water table at High Water back in those days so on a rainy day it was a complete quagmire and I seem to remember Barry John still having a clean shirt at the end of an international.

That was the old fashioned fly halfs' perogative! When I played there (thought I'd drop that in there. I played at Arms Park. Yes) it was mostly sand! Now it's more or less astroturf.
Teocalli says:

Jan 19 2016 at 3:50 am

@RobSandy

Yeah I started at Fly Half (at 8) did a stint at Scrum Half, then at Full back, then Centre but played for the senior school (U18) and club rugby on the Wing. Quit at 27 after dislocating my knee.
RobSandy says:

Jan 19 2016 at 3:53 am

@Teocalli

@RobSandy

Yeah I started at Fly Half (at 8) did a stint at Scrum Half, then at Full back, then Centre but played for the senior school (U18) and club rugby on the Wing. Quit at 27 after dislocating my knee.

Not much scope for dodging tackles at full back! I played in the pack until I finished school (mostly at prop - I was proportioned a bit different as a kid) and didn't play at uni. Then I started playing again about 25, playing centre. At one point in my playing days I was 103 kg.

I stopped due to a combination of injuries, the negative impact it was having on my health and fitness, and also because I realised I wasn't actually any good.
wiscot says:

Jan 19 2016 at 2:20 pm

@RobSandy

@Teocalli

@RobSandy

Yeah I started at Fly Half (at 8) did a stint at Scrum Half, then at Full back, then Centre but played for the senior school (U18) and club rugby on the Wing. Quit at 27 after dislocating my knee.

Not much scope for dodging tackles at full back! I played in the pack until I finished school (mostly at prop – I was proportioned a bit different as a kid) and didn’t play at uni. Then I started playing again about 25, playing centre. At one point in my playing days I was 103 kg.

I stopped due to a combination of injuries, the negative impact it was having on my health and fitness, and also because I realised I wasn’t actually any good.

Played in HS. Started at tight-head prop, then second row (on the right) and an occasional spell at #8 and flanker. Played a couple of times for the bank I worked for after HS but soon gave up for two reasons: a) I was getting seriously into cycling and b) I was playing against big mean bastards who could cause me damage.Oh and c) I was shite.

All Blacks versus Barbarians, Cardiff Arms Park, 1973. Greatest game ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMd7PQavavw So many legends on the field at once it's incredible. Grant Batty? Coolest try-scorer ever.
Oli says:

Jan 19 2016 at 3:17 pm

I met Grant Batty once. Nice bloke.
DavyMuur says:

Jan 19 2016 at 4:22 pm

Speaking of rugby, my uncle Freddie was a decent player...

https://youtu.be/jAc7I92q8BM
Teocalli says:

Jan 20 2016 at 1:01 am

The try of all time.

Talking of then vs now though.....

1. The half hearted Haka with half the NZ team clueless.

2. That try would now probably have stopped at the high tackle on JPR

3. The conversion attempt........
wiscot says:

Jan 20 2016 at 7:44 am

@Teocalli

The try of all time.

Talking of then vs now though…..

1. The half hearted Haka with half the NZ team clueless.

2. That try would now probably have stopped at the high tackle on JPR

3. The conversion attempt……..

What I think the 1973 Haka showed was that it was a bunch of white guys doing a trad Maori war dance. It wasn't the slick, well-choreographed performance they put on now, that's for sure. Clearly, the 73 team knew the basics and just went through the motions.

Clearly, the All Blacks had been instructed to decapitate JPR Williams. Seriously, just about every tackle was high and he was tall so it wasn't like you were trying to tackle Batty or Going who were about 4' tall.

Watching the conversion attempts make you realize what a joke American Football 3 pointers and extra point kicks are - right in front of the posts, someone holding the ball and maybe 50 yards away being considered long. I remember Andy Irvine scoring a winning penalty from inside his own half against England in the 70s.

This is great: https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=scottish+rugby+1970s&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-003 I'm pretty sure I was at most of the Murrayfield games here. The old, good Murrayfield where fan\s were completely mingled and you could bring in as much booze as you wanted. Zero crowd trouble. Now it's all seating and the concessions are probably extortionate. Good times.
Teocalli says:

Jan 20 2016 at 8:09 am

@wiscot

The Duckham dummy/sidestep/light afterburners was always a joy to watch too.

I remember one came at Twickers vs France where we took in whole barrel of beer complete with a trestle table and glasses. The French were producing wine bottles and glasses from copious inside overcoat pockets - "You share your beer if we share our wine?". Great game.

Then there was the Irish game I had to watch on TV the following day where we scored (I think) 5 tries but I could only remember 2 of them.