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Body Dysmorphia

These aren't the men you're looking for. Photo: Tim De Waele

I am thrilled to announce that for the first time in my life, my chest measurement is smaller than my hip measurement, an accomplishment I’m not sure many men around the world would be proud to admit. A Cyclist has no use for an upper body, we’re not going about lifting things with our arms; we are the sort of people who do all our lifting with our legs. We just need enough to hold the handlebars and pull from time to time while chewing the bar tape; beyond that, upper bodies are little more than extra weight and I’ve got more of that than I need already.

When I boasted about this tremendous feat to a few work colleagues, none of them showed any appreciation for my accomplishment whatsoever. Mostly they looked at me askance, not unlike how my dog looks at me when I’m talking to her in complete sentences. I could sense them resisting the temptation to start rotating their heads until they fell over like she does. The most any of them could muster was joking about how I must look at the beach, at which point I returned the favor of not having a clue what they were on about. Honestly, I’m much more worried about looking good in my skinsuit than I am about looking good in my mankini.

The first thing one observes when meeting Pro Cyclists is how tiny they are; they look like normal folks on TV but when you see them in real life they look like birds with a gland problem. Alpine ski racers also look like normal people on TV, but when you see them in person you realize they are thrice the size of a normal person, plus two. Either of Bode Miller’s arms are bigger than my right gun, the bigger of the two.

Kate Moss said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Apparently even Kate Moss couldn’t go her whole life without saying something sensible eventually. Being light on a bike is an amazing feeling, and we sacrifice all socially acceptable aesthetics in this pursuit. To be skinny is also to look good on a bike; hunching over a top tube chewing our handlebars isn’t a terribly flattering posture to begin with, one not made any more appealing with a gut protruding into the void.

I’ve never heard a Cyclist say they are happy with their weight, or that they feel they are skinny enough. No matter how skinny we are, we are still too fat. Most Cyclists greet each other with a little pinch on the arm to gauge one another’s weight – the first intimidation of the ride or the first bit of morale, depending on which side of the pinch you are. “Cyclists’ Sizing” is a phenomenon where a rider needs to wear their bibshorts a size bigger than their jersey. This is the maximum body image goal of the Cyclist, to have massive guns and a tiny torso.

I’m on the train, but I’m not there yet. To hasten the journey, I fancy the 5am Spanish Turbo Session in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and casquette in order to kick start my metabolism in the morning. And then I skip breakfast and lunch. And dinner, if I can manage it. I prefer to cut calories out of my food diet than out of my drinking diet; success is all about setting attainable goals.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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emerson says:

Jan 14 2016 at 10:54 am

@Teocalli

Some years ago I was told by my Chiropractor when I commented on me getting a bit podgy from too much jam rolly polly in the canteen he replied that “it’s not what you eat but when you eat it”. His message was basically no carbs in the evening.

So when I needed to lose weight after a mystery illness followed by enforced layoff through injury I followed that method and cut out “white carbs” in the evenings (potato, rice, pasta, bread) and also cut out snacking. Riding 3 – 4 times a week clocking average 170 – 200 Km total it was quite easy to shed weight.

Turns out there is solid science behind this as shown in a TV programme last night. Our bodies naturally increase fat and sugar levels in our blood in the evenings to feed our body overnight. So if you eat later in the evenings your blood levels effectively double up and so with excess sugars and fat your body has little option but to lay down the excess on your ribs.

The problem we have in modern life is that it is often difficult to eat well at midday and we tend to eat easy food in the evening (pizza/pasta – white carbs) then sit in front of the TV and go to bed.

Ideally whatever you eat when you get home in the evening you should do as soon as possible. Great evening meal for me is smoked salmon steak (or other oily fish) on a bed of salad in the summer or stir fried veg in the winter. In general now I try to avoid white carbs in the evenings altogether.

Good information. I can use this while serving time in the ciclismo prison, lockdown — day 3.
wiscot says:

Jan 14 2016 at 11:58 am

@Amanda

I find that while it’s a struggle on a personal level, it’s also hard on a social level. “Oh, you ride your bike so much, you can eat whatever you like! Why won’t you have some more of X food?”

Because the lighter I am, the better I perform on that bike! When I started I was 5 ft 6 and 11 stone, and it was hellish. It’s so much easier at 9 stone. I sometimes point out my guns and that usually stops them, but it can be mentally draining to hear such things.

Tell me about it. I work with mostly women, most of whom do not exercise at all. Because of my bike addiction and gym work in the winter, they regard me as the human garbage disposal unit. "Oh, Wiscot'll (not my real name!) eat it, he rides a 100 miles every day." Not true of course, but I do exercise more than 90% of the staff combined. I long to say "you could eat more too if you did some exercise. In fact, I had this conversation just yesterday with a colleague who swam competitively in college. She's pregnant right now but is dying to get back to running. She totally gets the calories in/calories out dynamic.
ErikdR says:

Jan 14 2016 at 1:12 pm

@Sparty

@ErikdR

@wiscot

@ErikdR

@KBrooks

This is the beauty of hardcore touring/bikepacking. If you ride long enough, day after day, you can scour the aisles of the Quik-E-Mart for the highest-calorie snacks and stop at every roadside barbecue joint and still lose weight. Sometimes alarmingly.

F***ing spot on, Bevan! In the summer of 2014, I cycled across the eastern USA: anything between 90 and 160 km. per day – 6 days a week, for 4 weeks. The trip was fully catered and the chow was tasty and substantial, to say the least. I munched my way through ridiculous amounts of food – and came home 6 kg lighter than when I left and looking trim. That didn’t last more than a few weeks, though…

A few years back a two girl band called The Ditty Bops played Milwaukee. They were riding their bikes between gigs while someone else drove the van. It was a national tour. Those girls were ripped!

I’ll bet they were. Being in a Human Powered traveling road show would do that to you, I reckon.

A national tour! So these ladies actually crisscrossed the U.S. on bikes? That’s certainly worthy of respect.

From May 23 through September 2, 2006, the Ditty Bops embarked on a cross-country tour by bicycle to promote the release of their second album, Moon Over the Freeway, while advocating a call-to-action about pollution and energy conservation. They traveled from Los Angeles to New York City, logging 4,502.75 miles.[6]

Fantastic! The Ditty Bops sound like my kind of gals (or should that be: 'my kinds of gal'?)
Ccos says:

Jan 14 2016 at 2:30 pm

@Teocalli "Turns out there is solid science behind this as shown in a TV programme last night"

Ah, that's a bit of an oxymoron: solid science/TV show. Animal studies would suggest otherwise. Monkey's fed an identical diet, one in the morning allowing them the entire day to eat it, versus another group fed all their food immediately before they went to sleep found no change or difference in their weights over many weeks. When the studies have been done on people, the people who ate most of their calories late at night snacked more during the day (which accounted for any weight gain). The danger of eating right before bed is that is adversely affects sleep quality which appears to trigger cravings for salt and carbohydrates (like pizza, chips and other crap). That said, you can only store so much of what you eat as glycogen (excesses consumption goes to fat production) which is the trick sumo wrestlers employ for their weight gain. This is why amounts eaten (day or night) matter. Sadly, alcohol at night has the same effect on sleep.

Thus ends my portion of the nerd throw-down.
Puffy says:

Jan 14 2016 at 2:39 pm

@davidlhill

Good lord – I went from 95kg down to 82 (currently a smidge higher), I’m 188cm and can’t imagine losing 17kg.All that due to more cycling?

Yes, and making better/healthier food choices, portion control when it comes to treats.

I never aimed for that low. I got to about 75 and still had spare tyre/belly fat so hired a sports nutritionist. He actually had me eating more food generally but changed my eating from reactive, to proactive; from "I rode long today so I need to eat" to "I am riding long tomorrow so I need to eat". I was eating too much on days when I wouldn't burn it all off the next day.
Puffy says:

Jan 14 2016 at 2:47 pm

@KogaLover

Your BMI is 18.6. BMI’s below 20 and above 23-ish have a higher mortality rate. Eat and live up to your name, you’re far from Puffy.

No, not puffy these days! As to BMI, it depends on who you talk to. According to the local authorities I am right in the bottom of their healthy range and could actually go down to 63kg. Due to my work in the Coal mining industry I get very thorough medials every year. Going through one this week actually. Not once has an examiner said anything about my weight (trust me, they pic at anything so they would have it was an issue). I still carry a small amount of belly & hip fat so I am not as skinny as the folks at the top of the page that is for sure. Thing is, BMI is just a rough guide. Personally the best guide is the mirror because bodies come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. I just happen to be naturally ectomorphic. Like I keep telling folks - trust me, I eat heaps.
Puffy says:

Jan 14 2016 at 2:51 pm

@Teocalli

Ideally whatever you eat when you get home in the evening you should do as soon as possible. Great evening meal for me is smoked salmon steak (or other oily fish) on a bed of salad in the summer or stir fried veg in the winter. In general now I try to avoid white carbs in the evenings altogether.

150g meat and two-three cups of veggies every night for dinner. No carbs unless 2hrs plus workout the next day. In that case I add a cup of rice. Works for me. Veggies are great, you can basically eat as much as you can stuff into your face and you won't gain a gram from them. Awesome!
Beers says:

Jan 14 2016 at 3:00 pm

On the subject of diet, eating anything because you can, and eating healthily are two separate things.

My diet is terrible, I live on processed carbs during training. Reading the literature says they are the best fuels and refuels.

But it really is an unhealthy way to eat. Too lazy to make up a batch of brown rice, a can of creamed rice will suffice, except it is full of total garbage and your insulin is spiking all over the fucking place. I hate myself.

I'm trying a new regime where I don't refuel after rides as much. I used to make excuses that my body needed it, so I'd eat up big the day before, on the day, and the day after a big ride. Now I try stick to clean carbs and lean protein the day before, and after a ride is protein shake and a can of pop in the magic 1 hour recovery window (2 cans if its over 120k). Then normal diet thereafter.

I also try and eat real food on the bike rather than gels. I've done my numbers and know how short of carbs etc I am at the end of a ride too, so a refuel meal calories = Calories burnt-calories consumed on the bike. I had mistaken refuelling all the calories burnt on the bike as needing replacement, forgetting I was stuffing my face every 20minutes out there!

Anyway, you bastards are all skinny fucks. No wonder I can't climb. 1.8m and 80kg. I've been 76kg before, but I hit overtraing/lack of recovery as highlighted above, and I got sick at least once a month. The month I had that overtraining, I seriously thought I had a significant illness, it was ridiculous.

Eat for health, exercise for fitness.
wilburrox says:

Jan 14 2016 at 4:15 pm

@PT

@wilburrox

@frank

@fignons barber

The point is even those guys were way skinnier than you’d think. Look at Boonen. One of the biggest guys easily, and he’s still tiny by any normal measure.

They look big on bikes it is in part because they like to ride really small bikes.

Although Boonen is also apparently 6’4″. Terpstra is no shorty either. They ride smaller frames than most of us would if we were the same height because they handle better and weigh less.

@Frank -you’re right in general but…..Peter Sagan?

So why would most us not ride bikes that handle better and weigh less?
wilburrox says:

Jan 14 2016 at 4:23 pm

@RobSandy

@wiscot

@Teocalli

Yeah, I’ve heard that too. I try not to eat after 8pm at the latest. Biggest issue is the long winter evenings. Too cold and dark to get outside and the warmth of the house and the TV are just too condusive to snacking mindlessly. (Not that I do, cough, cough . . .)

Doesn’t count as a snack if you have it with a beer. Fact.

Precisely. And make it a good dark tasty Guinness and it qualifies as a healthy meal in prep for whatever the next day will bring.

The whole business of going to bed hungry? Too many people in the world do that due to unfortunate circumstances.