These aren't the men you're looking for. Photo: Tim De Waele
I am thrilled to announce that for the first time in my life, my chest measurement is smaller than my hip measurement, an accomplishment I’m not sure many men around the world would be proud to admit. A Cyclist has no use for an upper body, we’re not going about lifting things with our arms; we are the sort of people who do all our lifting with our legs. We just need enough to hold the handlebars and pull from time to time while chewing the bar tape; beyond that, upper bodies are little more than extra weight and I’ve got more of that than I need already.
When I boasted about this tremendous feat to a few work colleagues, none of them showed any appreciation for my accomplishment whatsoever. Mostly they looked at me askance, not unlike how my dog looks at me when I’m talking to her in complete sentences. I could sense them resisting the temptation to start rotating their heads until they fell over like she does. The most any of them could muster was joking about how I must look at the beach, at which point I returned the favor of not having a clue what they were on about. Honestly, I’m much more worried about looking good in my skinsuit than I am about looking good in my mankini.
The first thing one observes when meeting Pro Cyclists is how tiny they are; they look like normal folks on TV but when you see them in real life they look like birds with a gland problem. Alpine ski racers also look like normal people on TV, but when you see them in person you realize they are thrice the size of a normal person, plus two. Either of Bode Miller’s arms are bigger than my right gun, the bigger of the two.
Kate Moss said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Apparently even Kate Moss couldn’t go her whole life without saying something sensible eventually. Being light on a bike is an amazing feeling, and we sacrifice all socially acceptable aesthetics in this pursuit. To be skinny is also to look good on a bike; hunching over a top tube chewing our handlebars isn’t a terribly flattering posture to begin with, one not made any more appealing with a gut protruding into the void.
I’ve never heard a Cyclist say they are happy with their weight, or that they feel they are skinny enough. No matter how skinny we are, we are still too fat. Most Cyclists greet each other with a little pinch on the arm to gauge one another’s weight – the first intimidation of the ride or the first bit of morale, depending on which side of the pinch you are. “Cyclists’ Sizing” is a phenomenon where a rider needs to wear their bibshorts a size bigger than their jersey. This is the maximum body image goal of the Cyclist, to have massive guns and a tiny torso.
I’m on the train, but I’m not there yet. To hasten the journey, I fancy the 5am Spanish Turbo Session in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and casquette in order to kick start my metabolism in the morning. And then I skip breakfast and lunch. And dinner, if I can manage it. I prefer to cut calories out of my food diet than out of my drinking diet; success is all about setting attainable goals.
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@KBrooks
My VMH gets mad that I grab a Twinkie whenever I/we stop at a certain gas station outside of town. I just keep telling her those things are rocket fuel.
183 cm and 88 kg because I got lazy after a summer filled with smoke and blowing dust (half the damn state burned down and I live in a crap-concentrating bowl), followed by freezing rain, followed by a chest cold. My goal is to drop a full 11 kg by summer, but it's going to take some serious willpower. I've already cut out alcohol during the week, and keep dinners to moderate portions of lean meat and vegetables. I'm moving to the west (i.e. hilly) side of the state this summer, which means my too fat to climb ass is in for a world of hurt otherwise.
But hell if I'm going to cut out breakfast. Need fuel for the furnace.
In addition to the rhesus monkey study (one of multiple studies) debunking the carbs at night thing there's also multiple studies that suggest that multiple small portions aren't necessarily better for you than three larger (though still appropriately sized) portions. So basically a beer before bed is no more fattening or detrimental to you metabolism than a breakfast beer.
@dyalander
Well it's kinda like The Rules. It works for me so I'm sticking with it.
@wilburrox
Well, those who can, do. I think we're agreeing here aren't we?
This thread has obviously inspired my metabolism, down to 85kgs this morning. Night time hill climbing club with the racing snakes probably helped last night.
Another thought on the top photo - those guys look skinny, particularly in their upper bodies. But I bet they are strong as fuck. Wouldn't like to arm wrestle Boonen.
Not to hijack the thread, but what race or event are Boonen and his buddies at? A crit? Can't be a major stage race, can it? It's just that seeing three top pros getting ready or cleaning up (I think it's the latter) on the steps of a building on a sidewalk is pretty cool. Wouldn't see yer fancy NBA or MLB boys doing that.
Great piece here. I can identify with what a lot of you all have said. I've always been naturally pretty thin and lanky in a "societal" view at 6' tall and approx. 145 pounds. I always get the same line from friends and coworkers that I must/should/MUST eat piles and piles of food. It has been my opinion that I'm actually a bit on the flabby side in a cycling sense. My wife reminds me that I'm absurd in that view and that if I really wanted to lose a few maybe I should cut back on my beer consumption. BLASPHEMY! I haven't been able to see pro-riders @ the world tour level in person but when I see pro-continental riders or even local cat-1/cat-2 riders I'm always struck by how lean even they are.
@Puffy
"I don't cross train. I train for 'cross." - @G'rilla