Categories: ExportIrreverenceLa Vie VelominatusLook ProMusings from the V-BunkerTradition

Body Dysmorphia

These aren't the men you're looking for. Photo: Tim De Waele

I am thrilled to announce that for the first time in my life, my chest measurement is smaller than my hip measurement, an accomplishment I’m not sure many men around the world would be proud to admit. A Cyclist has no use for an upper body, we’re not going about lifting things with our arms; we are the sort of people who do all our lifting with our legs. We just need enough to hold the handlebars and pull from time to time while chewing the bar tape; beyond that, upper bodies are little more than extra weight and I’ve got more of that than I need already.

When I boasted about this tremendous feat to a few work colleagues, none of them showed any appreciation for my accomplishment whatsoever. Mostly they looked at me askance, not unlike how my dog looks at me when I’m talking to her in complete sentences. I could sense them resisting the temptation to start rotating their heads until they fell over like she does. The most any of them could muster was joking about how I must look at the beach, at which point I returned the favor of not having a clue what they were on about. Honestly, I’m much more worried about looking good in my skinsuit than I am about looking good in my mankini.

The first thing one observes when meeting Pro Cyclists is how tiny they are; they look like normal folks on TV but when you see them in real life they look like birds with a gland problem. Alpine ski racers also look like normal people on TV, but when you see them in person you realize they are thrice the size of a normal person, plus two. Either of Bode Miller’s arms are bigger than my right gun, the bigger of the two.

Kate Moss said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Apparently even Kate Moss couldn’t go her whole life without saying something sensible eventually. Being light on a bike is an amazing feeling, and we sacrifice all socially acceptable aesthetics in this pursuit. To be skinny is also to look good on a bike; hunching over a top tube chewing our handlebars isn’t a terribly flattering posture to begin with, one not made any more appealing with a gut protruding into the void.

I’ve never heard a Cyclist say they are happy with their weight, or that they feel they are skinny enough. No matter how skinny we are, we are still too fat. Most Cyclists greet each other with a little pinch on the arm to gauge one another’s weight – the first intimidation of the ride or the first bit of morale, depending on which side of the pinch you are. “Cyclists’ Sizing” is a phenomenon where a rider needs to wear their bibshorts a size bigger than their jersey. This is the maximum body image goal of the Cyclist, to have massive guns and a tiny torso.

I’m on the train, but I’m not there yet. To hasten the journey, I fancy the 5am Spanish Turbo Session in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and casquette in order to kick start my metabolism in the morning. And then I skip breakfast and lunch. And dinner, if I can manage it. I prefer to cut calories out of my food diet than out of my drinking diet; success is all about setting attainable goals.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Doing It Wrong »

Previous « Single Gun Theory

View Comments

Teocalli says:

Jan 15 2016 at 8:05 am

Just a thought here re the opening line. Lampre man looks as though he might be able to claim the same?
Ron says:

Jan 15 2016 at 8:08 am

@wiscot

Not to hijack the thread, but what race or event are Boonen and his buddies at? A crit? Can’t be a major stage race, can it? It’s just that seeing three top pros getting ready or cleaning up (I think it’s the latter) on the steps of a building on a sidewalk is pretty cool. Wouldn’t see yer fancy NBA or MLB boys doing that.

Axel Merckx Kermesse, hoping if they sit long enough on his front steps he'll come out, with Eddy?

And YES that is something I love about smaller sports, like cycling. While we consider them gods, they're still accessible gods. Too many pro athletes live in odd fantasy worlds where they're so far removed from reality because of the money involved.
wiscot says:

Jan 15 2016 at 10:27 am

@Ron

@wiscot

Not to hijack the thread, but what race or event are Boonen and his buddies at? A crit? Can’t be a major stage race, can it? It’s just that seeing three top pros getting ready or cleaning up (I think it’s the latter) on the steps of a building on a sidewalk is pretty cool. Wouldn’t see yer fancy NBA or MLB boys doing that.

Axel Merckx Kermesse, hoping if they sit long enough on his front steps he’ll come out, with Eddy?

And YES that is something I love about smaller sports, like cycling. While we consider them gods, they’re still accessible gods. Too many pro athletes live in odd fantasy worlds where they’re so far removed from reality because of the money involved.

It's one of the things I love about the Packers. They have a tradition that at training camp they ride kids' bikes to practice and the kid carries the helmet!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZF4pLeSPBYo

Ignore the Rules violations and the general "wobbliness" of the riders!
wiscot says:

Jan 15 2016 at 10:31 am

Sorry, here's a way better piece: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJX8jMX8x94
Ron says:

Jan 15 2016 at 11:10 am

I'm involved with cycling advocacy in my city and trying to get the local AAA baseball team to all ride bikes to their games a few times a season is something I think would be excellent for spreading the word that cycling is awesome and that cyclists aren't the same as squirrels. We're regular folks, with jobs and taxes, but we just choose to ride bikes.

There are campaigns like this going on throughout the U.S., showing fire*men* and other types of "regulars" who ride bikes, as a way to get motorists to treat 2-wheeled folks with more respect.

A local crazy lady in the neighboring county is trying to get more than 2-abreast riding banned by law (couldn't have a 2-wide paceline with rotations), cyclists NEVER allowed to take full lane (so you'd never be allowed to turn...left!), and any ride with more than 30 riders would require a permit. FACK. The (kinda) funny thing is she's a yankee transplant and gets annoyed when she has to slow down while driving on her country road.
scaler911 says:

Jan 15 2016 at 6:21 pm

It is funny how media can change your perception of the people you're looking at or watching on TV, or in photos. Living in Portland, and having a job that's allowed me to meet some professional basketball players, and a couple pro footballers, you really don't get a sense of just how tall (or fucking huge) those athletes are. I ran into Scotty Pippen at a Mini Mart one morning, around 10am, and in addition to just how tall he was (and holy Merckx, his hands were like baseball gloves), I had to give him a ribbing about his choice of snacks- a 'roller' corndog, and a diet soda. Took care of a offensive lineman for the Bills, just after the Super Bowl- Couldn't put the bed rails up he was so huge- not fat, just a truckload of muscle that would crush folk in our chosen sport (but of course, when watching on TV you think "well, I don't know how that linebacker got through, I'da just ran right over him." Nonsense)

Based on a number of "Ideal Weight Calculators", I should have weighed between 156- 167lbs (for my height 5'10"). Right. I'da lost my shit if I got anywhere near 155. 145 with a peaking weight of 142 was where I lived through my 20's.

But, I'm not in my 20's anymore..............
frank says:

Jan 15 2016 at 6:42 pm

@Major VVald

@frank

I like to think my chest is larger than my waist because of my humongous lung capacity and my outsized pumper.

One takes the chest measurement after exhaling, biensur.

Although I always need trousers a couple inches too big in the waist to fit over the legs. As a result, I don’t tuck my shirts in much – it would just accentuate the bunched fabric under the belt and make people think I don’t know how to buy clothes. Looks super ridiculous when I have to wear a suit to work. The tailor lady says “not to be rude, but you have a big butt.” Made my day.

Get a new tailor; that bunching bullshit is inexcusable. If Mario can get his clothes to fit right, then so can you!
frank says:

Jan 15 2016 at 6:48 pm

@Teocalli

(potato, rice, pasta, bread)

You just described everything I like to eat in the evening, apart from beer which I believe might actually be made of all those things.

@brett

@frank

@fignons barber

The point is even those guys were way skinnier than you’d think. Look at Boonen. One of the biggest guys easily, and he’s still tiny by any normal measure.

Remember when we met Damian Gaudin last Spring? He looks like a monster on the bike, but standing next to him he was quite lean, not much taller than me (183cm) and not much going on up top in terms of arms and chest.

LIke it was yesterday, bruv!
frank says:

Jan 15 2016 at 6:53 pm

@PT

@wilburrox

@frank

@fignons barber

The point is even those guys were way skinnier than you’d think. Look at Boonen. One of the biggest guys easily, and he’s still tiny by any normal measure.

They look big on bikes it is in part because they like to ride really small bikes.

Although Boonen is also apparently 6’4″. Terpstra is no shorty either. They ride smaller frames than most of us would if we were the same height because they handle better and weigh less.

@Frank -you’re right in general but…..Peter Sagan?

Haven't met him in person but I bet you'd still be surprised.

@wiscot

@Teocalli

Some years ago I was told by my Chiropractor when I commented on me getting a bit podgy from too much jam rolly polly in the canteen he replied that “it’s not what you eat but when you eat it”. His message was basically no carbs in the evening.

So when I needed to lose weight after a mystery illness followed by enforced layoff through injury I followed that method and cut out “white carbs” in the evenings (potato, rice, pasta, bread) and also cut out snacking. Riding 3 – 4 times a week clocking average 170 – 200 Km total it was quite easy to shed weight.

Turns out there is solid science behind this as shown in a TV programme last night. Our bodies naturally increase fat and sugar levels in our blood in the evenings to feed our body overnight. So if you eat later in the evenings your blood levels effectively double up and so with excess sugars and fat your body has little option but to lay down the excess on your ribs.

The problem we have in modern life is that it is often difficult to eat well at midday and we tend to eat easy food in the evening (pizza/pasta – white carbs) then sit in front of the TV and go to bed.

Ideally whatever you eat when you get home in the evening you should do as soon as possible. Great evening meal for me is smoked salmon steak (or other oily fish) on a bed of salad in the summer or stir fried veg in the winter. In general now I try to avoid white carbs in the evenings altogether.

Yeah, I’ve heard that too. I try not to eat after 8pm at the latest. Biggest issue is the long winter evenings. Too cold and dark to get outside and the warmth of the house and the TV are just too condusive to snacking mindlessly. (Not that I do, cough, cough . . .)

You all know how old that shit makes us sound, right?
frank says:

Jan 15 2016 at 6:58 pm

@Sparty

@ErikdR

@wiscot

@ErikdR

@KBrooks

This is the beauty of hardcore touring/bikepacking. If you ride long enough, day after day, you can scour the aisles of the Quik-E-Mart for the highest-calorie snacks and stop at every roadside barbecue joint and still lose weight. Sometimes alarmingly.

F***ing spot on, Bevan! In the summer of 2014, I cycled across the eastern USA: anything between 90 and 160 km. per day – 6 days a week, for 4 weeks. The trip was fully catered and the chow was tasty and substantial, to say the least. I munched my way through ridiculous amounts of food – and came home 6 kg lighter than when I left and looking trim. That didn’t last more than a few weeks, though…

A few years back a two girl band called The Ditty Bops played Milwaukee. They were riding their bikes between gigs while someone else drove the van. It was a national tour. Those girls were ripped!

I’ll bet they were. Being in a Human Powered traveling road show would do that to you, I reckon.

A national tour! So these ladies actually crisscrossed the U.S. on bikes? That’s certainly worthy of respect.

From May 23 through September 2, 2006, the Ditty Bops embarked on a cross-country tour by bicycle to promote the release of their second album, Moon Over the Freeway, while advocating a call-to-action about pollution and energy conservation. They traveled from Los Angeles to New York City, logging 4,502.75 miles.^[6]

*swoon*

I was joking with some work colleagues today about the Alaskan Cruise tours you can do where you can watch how quickly the glaciers are melting into the ocean.

The irony of doing so while belching greenhouse gases out of 3-5 enormous smokestacks was not lost on the crowd. The president of my division, even added a gratuitous honk-honk sign like one does to truck drivers to get them to blow their horn.

Had me some serious job love after that conversation.