These aren't the men you're looking for. Photo: Tim De Waele
I am thrilled to announce that for the first time in my life, my chest measurement is smaller than my hip measurement, an accomplishment I’m not sure many men around the world would be proud to admit. A Cyclist has no use for an upper body, we’re not going about lifting things with our arms; we are the sort of people who do all our lifting with our legs. We just need enough to hold the handlebars and pull from time to time while chewing the bar tape; beyond that, upper bodies are little more than extra weight and I’ve got more of that than I need already.
When I boasted about this tremendous feat to a few work colleagues, none of them showed any appreciation for my accomplishment whatsoever. Mostly they looked at me askance, not unlike how my dog looks at me when I’m talking to her in complete sentences. I could sense them resisting the temptation to start rotating their heads until they fell over like she does. The most any of them could muster was joking about how I must look at the beach, at which point I returned the favor of not having a clue what they were on about. Honestly, I’m much more worried about looking good in my skinsuit than I am about looking good in my mankini.
The first thing one observes when meeting Pro Cyclists is how tiny they are; they look like normal folks on TV but when you see them in real life they look like birds with a gland problem. Alpine ski racers also look like normal people on TV, but when you see them in person you realize they are thrice the size of a normal person, plus two. Either of Bode Miller’s arms are bigger than my right gun, the bigger of the two.
Kate Moss said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Apparently even Kate Moss couldn’t go her whole life without saying something sensible eventually. Being light on a bike is an amazing feeling, and we sacrifice all socially acceptable aesthetics in this pursuit. To be skinny is also to look good on a bike; hunching over a top tube chewing our handlebars isn’t a terribly flattering posture to begin with, one not made any more appealing with a gut protruding into the void.
I’ve never heard a Cyclist say they are happy with their weight, or that they feel they are skinny enough. No matter how skinny we are, we are still too fat. Most Cyclists greet each other with a little pinch on the arm to gauge one another’s weight – the first intimidation of the ride or the first bit of morale, depending on which side of the pinch you are. “Cyclists’ Sizing” is a phenomenon where a rider needs to wear their bibshorts a size bigger than their jersey. This is the maximum body image goal of the Cyclist, to have massive guns and a tiny torso.
I’m on the train, but I’m not there yet. To hasten the journey, I fancy the 5am Spanish Turbo Session in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and casquette in order to kick start my metabolism in the morning. And then I skip breakfast and lunch. And dinner, if I can manage it. I prefer to cut calories out of my food diet than out of my drinking diet; success is all about setting attainable goals.
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@Teocalli
Yeah, some things have improved, but to be honest, I'm not sure I'd lay out the cash for an international these days. Back in the 70s, my Dad could afford to take five people to both home games at Murrayfield pretty much every year. Every once in a while we were in the stand. Now you'd need to sell a kidney to afford that. I'm sure the atmosphere is different too. I remember booze being shared freely - then in the early 80s they confiscated cans of coke FFS.
@fignons barber
This has been added to the Lexicon, matey.
@Chipomarc
Right! Just catching up on old posts. He was most definitely a cunt of the highest order but this is a line that is worthy.
@Owen
Yup, same here. I have actually cut out all alcohol until I get back down under 75 kg's. I stopped riding mid-summer this last year after three cyclists were killed in my home state of Vermont within 6 weeks by cars with the final one being a doctor from my med school who was hit on a clear July afternoon at 5 pm on a clear, straight stretch of road with no other cars present by a legally drunk driver. The driver was not arrested, did not serve a day in jail and after the trial completed this fall, she ended up with 200 hours of community service. Just made me sick. I'm sure it helped that she was the local policeman's wife. Anyways, I gained about 4 kilo's over the last six months and have started to turn it around. Climbed back on the bike in late December and have been riding rollers at least 3 times a week and getting an outside ride in on the CX bike on the odd weekend day. Already have dropped just over 1 kilo in the last 3 weeks but it is fucking HELL not having a drink in the evening with the VMH while she has some wine!!! But, not only have I dropped a bit of weight, I cannot believe how my overall joy of life and outlook and mental state have improved. My VMH and all five kiddos have remarked on it as well. Cycling, definitely my drug of choice.
Good to hear from ya, Buck!
We had 4 cyclists killed in my city last year. Two were frequent, skilled road cyclists, two were commuters on cycling-unfriendly roads. One guy was hit on a road that should have bike lanes, dictated by city ordinance. One was hit around the corner from my house. Driver *admitted* they saw him coming...but decided to pull out anyway. NOTHING happened to the person. You tell me what other way you can kill a human, admit it, and the cops blame the dead person for cycling too fast?
I nearly got hit this morning when cross a t-road on the MUP. Fucking worthless piece of shit driver came from behind me and made a left turn, cutting into my side of the road and traveling far, far too fast. It's painted with a crossing AND there was a cyclist coming the other way AND there were around 45 cars backed up at the closest light. And the fucker did it anyway. In those situations I can't help but seriously desire chasing them down, pulling them from their car, and beating them senseless. I'm just overcome with rage. That fucking lady saw me and was too impatient to show my life any respect. Goddamn, it is difficult to stay positive when so many motorists are reckless fucks and threaten us when we're just riding along or riding to work. And when you know they'll get off free when they do drive into us.
A law professor at UNC-CH actually wrote a piece last week saying she's "openly hostile" to cyclists who filter to the front of a line of cars at lights. I wrote her a very strongly worded email. Regardless of how you feel about that and that it's good practice to obey all the road laws/rules...sometimes I honestly don't give a fuck when 98% of motorists break the law every single time they drive. Speeding, failure to use indicators, texting, failure to use lights when wipers are on. On and on. Okay...so I should follow all the laws, but none of you are? That makes sense. Especially when my 7 kg bike is known to be a killing machine.
Safe to say that when you're looking comparable to a past tour winner (who hasn't exactly let himself go), you're ticking the boxes in terms of the required upper body emaciation.
@frank
Sweeet. Glad to contribute.