These aren't the men you're looking for. Photo: Tim De Waele
I am thrilled to announce that for the first time in my life, my chest measurement is smaller than my hip measurement, an accomplishment I’m not sure many men around the world would be proud to admit. A Cyclist has no use for an upper body, we’re not going about lifting things with our arms; we are the sort of people who do all our lifting with our legs. We just need enough to hold the handlebars and pull from time to time while chewing the bar tape; beyond that, upper bodies are little more than extra weight and I’ve got more of that than I need already.
When I boasted about this tremendous feat to a few work colleagues, none of them showed any appreciation for my accomplishment whatsoever. Mostly they looked at me askance, not unlike how my dog looks at me when I’m talking to her in complete sentences. I could sense them resisting the temptation to start rotating their heads until they fell over like she does. The most any of them could muster was joking about how I must look at the beach, at which point I returned the favor of not having a clue what they were on about. Honestly, I’m much more worried about looking good in my skinsuit than I am about looking good in my mankini.
The first thing one observes when meeting Pro Cyclists is how tiny they are; they look like normal folks on TV but when you see them in real life they look like birds with a gland problem. Alpine ski racers also look like normal people on TV, but when you see them in person you realize they are thrice the size of a normal person, plus two. Either of Bode Miller’s arms are bigger than my right gun, the bigger of the two.
Kate Moss said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Apparently even Kate Moss couldn’t go her whole life without saying something sensible eventually. Being light on a bike is an amazing feeling, and we sacrifice all socially acceptable aesthetics in this pursuit. To be skinny is also to look good on a bike; hunching over a top tube chewing our handlebars isn’t a terribly flattering posture to begin with, one not made any more appealing with a gut protruding into the void.
I’ve never heard a Cyclist say they are happy with their weight, or that they feel they are skinny enough. No matter how skinny we are, we are still too fat. Most Cyclists greet each other with a little pinch on the arm to gauge one another’s weight – the first intimidation of the ride or the first bit of morale, depending on which side of the pinch you are. “Cyclists’ Sizing” is a phenomenon where a rider needs to wear their bibshorts a size bigger than their jersey. This is the maximum body image goal of the Cyclist, to have massive guns and a tiny torso.
I’m on the train, but I’m not there yet. To hasten the journey, I fancy the 5am Spanish Turbo Session in full leggings, long sleeve jersey, and casquette in order to kick start my metabolism in the morning. And then I skip breakfast and lunch. And dinner, if I can manage it. I prefer to cut calories out of my food diet than out of my drinking diet; success is all about setting attainable goals.
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@frank
Remember when we met Damian Gaudin last Spring? He looks like a monster on the bike, but standing next to him he was quite lean, not much taller than me (183cm) and not much going on up top in terms of arms and chest.
@Chipomarc
Ooh, careful now...Lance was also full of pithy one liners like "I've never failed a drug test" and "you'll hear from my lawyer..."
@Puffy
Good lord - I went from 95kg down to 82 (currently a smidge higher), I'm 188cm and can't imagine losing 17kg.
All that due to more cycling?
Some years ago I was told by my Chiropractor when I commented on me getting a bit podgy from too much jam rolly polly in the canteen he replied that "it's not what you eat but when you eat it". His message was basically no carbs in the evening.
So when I needed to lose weight after a mystery illness followed by enforced layoff through injury I followed that method and cut out "white carbs" in the evenings (potato, rice, pasta, bread) and also cut out snacking. Riding 3 - 4 times a week clocking average 170 - 200 Km total it was quite easy to shed weight.
Turns out there is solid science behind this as shown in a TV programme last night. Our bodies naturally increase fat and sugar levels in our blood in the evenings to feed our body overnight. So if you eat later in the evenings your blood levels effectively double up and so with excess sugars and fat your body has little option but to lay down the excess on your ribs.
The problem we have in modern life is that it is often difficult to eat well at midday and we tend to eat easy food in the evening (pizza/pasta - white carbs) then sit in front of the TV and go to bed.
Ideally whatever you eat when you get home in the evening you should do as soon as possible. Great evening meal for me is smoked salmon steak (or other oily fish) on a bed of salad in the summer or stir fried veg in the winter. In general now I try to avoid white carbs in the evenings altogether.
@wilburrox
Although Boonen is also apparently 6'4". Terpstra is no shorty either. They ride smaller frames than most of us would if we were the same height because they handle better and weigh less.
@Frank -you're right in general but.....Peter Sagan?
I'm now on a bit of a weight loss kick again - I did it last year to go from upwards of 95kg down to my current 86kg (for 183cms, pretty bulky). I deliberately maintained that weight through the start of my training year and didn't pile it on over winter/christmas, but now racing season is looming I'd like to think I could get down to about 84kgs, and that I'd notice the difference if I did.
Shouldn't be too hard - reduce portion sizes of everything, cut out high calorie snacks (I'm going for bananas or a tin of tuna instead) and try not to snack in the evening, while keeping my exercise/riding level the same.
I'm pretty bulky around my upper body but I don't see that changing, and I'm stacking up the weights I'm doing for lower body. I bought a pair of jeans yesterday and they were just slightly loose everywhere except around the middle of the thigh, where they were tight. Proud.
@Velodeluded
Late to the party - but for the record: no, you're not on your own. My VMH loves to bake and is ridiculously good at it, so the house - particularly around Christmas - is often afloat with the yummiest pies, cakes, cookies and whatnot. To make matters worse, she is equally good at conjuring up home-made filled chocolates. *Bloat alert; bloat alert...*
57 yrs old, just under 6 foot 4 (I think? 1.92 m.) and weighing in at 87 kg at the moment. Grrff... Hoping to get that number below 85 for starters, once the roads clear. 82-83 should be doable towards the end of the season (usually late October/early November, here in Scandinavia.) Bring on the early spring!.
@KBrooks
F***ing spot on, Bevan! In the summer of 2014, I cycled across the eastern USA: anything between 90 and 160 km. per day - 6 days a week, for 4 weeks. The trip was fully catered and the chow was tasty and substantial, to say the least. I munched my way through ridiculous amounts of food - and came home 6 kg lighter than when I left and looking trim. That didn't last more than a few weeks, though...
Well... I could tell the story about how I burst out of my jeans at the beginning of this year and how that had nothing to do with feasting and all with cycling too much. But who would believe me...
No man ever told me out of the blue his weight-history (all details included) except my dad and a gazillion known and unknown cyclists. For the record, nobody is happy with it...
@ErikdR
A few years back a two girl band called The Ditty Bops played Milwaukee. They were riding their bikes between gigs while someone else drove the van. It was a national tour. Those girls were ripped!