Categories: Keepers TourNostalgiaThe HardmenTradition

Cobbled Classics 2013 Forecast: Hardman’s Valmanac

As many of you know, one of my specialties is examining events, imagining trends in them, and then predicting future events by painting with broad strokes based on those findings. I find this approach particularly effective when it pertains to topics of which I know less than nothing. In many ways, this is the same thing meteorologists do, so in that sense it is very fitting that my current prediction is for the weather of the 2013 Cobbled Classics.

I consider Het Volk to be a harbinger of what is to come for the major classics coming about a month later. By ignoring all data points that don’t support my assumptions, my study has conclusively demonstrated the following points:

Rare is the case when a rider wins Het Volk and also wins de Ronde or Roubaix.
Weather can’t hold a peak any better than a rider can, apparently; dry weather in Het Volk means wet weather in April and vice versa.
Riders who race Het Volk in their Flandrian Best generally perform better in the monuments.
Racing to the win in too-long a pair of knickers is a specter of failure for future events.
Racing with an upturned cycling cap brim will yield a season fraught with spectacular highs and lows.

In light of this, it was with great relief that I noticed that while the weather was cold for Het Volk, it was also dry. Which conclusively shows that the bergs in de Ronde and the trench in Roubaix will be coated in heaps of slippery mud. Thank Merckx, too; it’s been too many years of dry weather for my taste. For those of you smart enough to sign up for Keepers Tour, this will be epic. And yes, I know its not called Het Volk anymore. (We have a few open spots left on the Tour, so get in while the getting’s good.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Barracuda says:

Mar 4 2013 at 6:19 pm

@El Segundo

@Mikael Liddy

@El Segundo

@Deakus

Hooray for a snow riddled slushy Roubaix! If only mainstream TV would televise this epic!

Praise be to Merckx, SBS in Aus. will be televising all the spring classics in their entirety.

I'll have to delve deep into "the suitcase of caffeine". Can't wait.

That does depend on where across the country you're situated...they'll be live if you're in the eastern states, central or WA & you'll be taking big chunks out of your internet data usage streaming it because they don't want to eat in to their normal schedule.

Thanks for the tip Mikael, it seemed too good to be true. I'm in SA (Victor) so looks like I'll be burning up my data allowance. Still, it'll be worth it.

Victor, as in Victor Harbor ?
Barracuda says:

Mar 4 2013 at 6:56 pm

@Dan_R

@Tobin
Yeah, with a name like CafÃ© Roubaix, I felt obligated to open for a few hours today.

Aside from the snow and the associated temperature, what a great looking "office" you have
brett says:

Mar 4 2013 at 7:48 pm

@G'rilla

@frank Don't tell Brett that I was running 2 inch tires.

@RedRanger

@G'rilla I'm running 2.0 also. i was running 2.3 and it's a pretty big difference. Everything feels faster. Running at about 28-30 psi.

You guys are nuts. Do you want to make your ride suck?

I run Ardents, 2.4 front/2.2 rear at 18-20psi. Grip city, rolls like butter.

G'rilla... two words: Dropper post.
RedRanger says:

Mar 4 2013 at 8:08 pm

@brett that seems a bit much. i got mine based on the recommendation from one of the topshops in town. I guess it depends on the kind of trails, no?
G'rilla says:

Mar 4 2013 at 8:09 pm

@brett My joke was lost in a rounding error. I also run Ardent 2.4/2.2.

After taking a saddle to the stomach several times per lap, a dropper post sounds like a good idea.

And, all joking aside, thanks for the advice on the Yeti last June. I love it more every time I ride it!
El Segundo says:

Mar 4 2013 at 8:21 pm

@Barracuda

@El Segundo

@Mikael Liddy

@El Segundo

@Deakus

Hooray for a snow riddled slushy Roubaix! If only mainstream TV would televise this epic!

Praise be to Merckx, SBS in Aus. will be televising all the spring classics in their entirety.

I'll have to delve deep into "the suitcase of caffeine". Can't wait.

That does depend on where across the country you're situated...they'll be live if you're in the eastern states, central or WA & you'll be taking big chunks out of your internet data usage streaming it because they don't want to eat in to their normal schedule.

Thanks for the tip Mikael, it seemed too good to be true. I'm in SA (Victor) so looks like I'll be burning up my data allowance. Still, it'll be worth it.

Victor, as in Victor Harbor ?

@Barracuda Yes indeedy
Chris says:

Mar 5 2013 at 1:22 am

@Mikael Liddy

@G'rilla photo #1 is a properly good 'oh shit' face.

I was wondering whether it was that or an adrenalin fuelled race face.
Chris says:

Mar 5 2013 at 1:30 am

@G'rilla Great photos. You're hands don't look entirely comfortable on the bars there, especially the right hand. Might just be the gloves making it look that way but try one finger braking.

I need to put my mountain bike back together.
brett says:

Mar 5 2013 at 1:56 am

@Chris

@G'rilla Great photos. You're hands don't look entirely comfortable on the bars there, especially the right hand. Might just be the gloves making it look that way but try one finger braking.

I need to put my mountain bike back together.

What he said... those XT levers are made for one-finger braking, and you have an inch or two of bar sticking out the end there. Maybe try moving your hands outboard and the one finger.

@G'rilla

@brett My joke was lost in a rounding error. I also run Ardent 2.4/2.2.

After taking a saddle to the stomach several times per lap, a dropper post sounds like a good idea.

And, all joking aside, thanks for the advice on the Yeti last June. I love it more every time I ride it!

Glad you like it, they're a great bike... (one that will come alive with a dropper post!)
Chris says:

Mar 5 2013 at 3:15 am

@brett

@Chris

@G'rilla Great photos. You're hands don't look entirely comfortable on the bars there, especially the right hand. Might just be the gloves making it look that way but try one finger braking.

I need to put my mountain bike back together.

What he said... those XT levers are made for one-finger braking, and you have an inch or two of bar sticking out the end there. Maybe try moving your hands outboard and the one finger.

or moving your levers in-board until the lever sits in a position that feels natural for one finger braking with your hands in the middle of the grip - you've got plenty of straight bar there to play with.

If your shifters are in-board of your levers you may want to swap them round otherwise you'll be stretching your thumbs to get to them. I've got similarly long bars and there's quite a gap between the shifter and lever mounts.