Categories: Keepers TourNostalgiaThe HardmenTradition

Cobbled Classics 2013 Forecast: Hardman’s Valmanac

As many of you know, one of my specialties is examining events, imagining trends in them, and then predicting future events by painting with broad strokes based on those findings. I find this approach particularly effective when it pertains to topics of which I know less than nothing. In many ways, this is the same thing meteorologists do, so in that sense it is very fitting that my current prediction is for the weather of the 2013 Cobbled Classics.

I consider Het Volk to be a harbinger of what is to come for the major classics coming about a month later. By ignoring all data points that don’t support my assumptions, my study has conclusively demonstrated the following points:

Rare is the case when a rider wins Het Volk and also wins de Ronde or Roubaix.
Weather can’t hold a peak any better than a rider can, apparently; dry weather in Het Volk means wet weather in April and vice versa.
Riders who race Het Volk in their Flandrian Best generally perform better in the monuments.
Racing to the win in too-long a pair of knickers is a specter of failure for future events.
Racing with an upturned cycling cap brim will yield a season fraught with spectacular highs and lows.

In light of this, it was with great relief that I noticed that while the weather was cold for Het Volk, it was also dry. Which conclusively shows that the bergs in de Ronde and the trench in Roubaix will be coated in heaps of slippery mud. Thank Merckx, too; it’s been too many years of dry weather for my taste. For those of you smart enough to sign up for Keepers Tour, this will be epic. And yes, I know its not called Het Volk anymore. (We have a few open spots left on the Tour, so get in while the getting’s good.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Anatomy Of A Photo: The Gents Of Wevelgem »

Previous « Velominati Super Prestige: L'Eroica/Strade Bianche 2013

View Comments

brian says:

Mar 3 2013 at 10:52 am

@Dan_R

@Tobin and all, after a few strollers into the shop to check it out, in walks a fellow Velominatus, Tobin and thus becomes my first paying walk-in customer! A big thanks for that. We drank coffee and joked about Peaking in Two Months, discussed a Calgary area Cogal, etc. Most people that dropped by got the idea of the place right away. The last customer of the day was a buddy from Edmonton on his way to the mountains, being a former national track champ, he was impressed. Great ways to start and end the day!

More hijinx to come as I have some fairly priceless bits of memorabilia coming in soon AND coming later in the day, a new personal link to - RdV! I just about gave birth to an ostrich. I don't know what that means, but giving birth to an OSTRICH!

nice dan,congrats on opening day.cheers m8.
Tobin says:

Mar 3 2013 at 11:18 am

@RedRanger some days I loathe living in Canada...today is one of them...
Skip says:

Mar 3 2013 at 11:22 am

@frank

As for the winner of the ugliest kit award...

It's a tough call between RadioSchleck and the smurf costumes the Astana guys wear...
RedRanger says:

Mar 3 2013 at 11:25 am

@Russ if you can get passed the summer heat, it's really beautiful.
brett says:

Mar 3 2013 at 12:42 pm

@G'rilla

@Dr C

@G'rilla

I predict a mudbath this year and you have picked the right rubber - allow yourself the last laugh dude

That's the spirit!

Laugh now, because if you turn up with those tyres, they won't be seeing any contact with cobbles.
G'rilla says:

Mar 3 2013 at 2:29 pm

I don't know what would be more fun: riding 32mm of cotton, rubber, and latex over the cobbles, or watching Brett and Frank go nuts for a week because of it.
RedRanger says:

Mar 3 2013 at 2:40 pm

@G'rilla you may ruin their trip man.
Dan_R says:

Mar 3 2013 at 2:46 pm

@Tobin
Yeah, with a name like CafÃ© Roubaix, I felt obligated to open for a few hours today.
G'rilla says:

Mar 3 2013 at 3:21 pm

@RedRanger

@G'rilla you may ruin their trip man.

No trips will be ruined. I've decided to bring the same equipment as last year: Cervelo and 25mm clinchers.
RedRanger says:

Mar 3 2013 at 3:34 pm

@G'rilla not gonna lie. I'm very glad to hear that. Although I enjoyed the back and forth every time you mentioned the equipment you were taking.