Categories: Keepers TourNostalgiaThe HardmenTradition

Cobbled Classics 2013 Forecast: Hardman’s Valmanac

As many of you know, one of my specialties is examining events, imagining trends in them, and then predicting future events by painting with broad strokes based on those findings. I find this approach particularly effective when it pertains to topics of which I know less than nothing. In many ways, this is the same thing meteorologists do, so in that sense it is very fitting that my current prediction is for the weather of the 2013 Cobbled Classics.

I consider Het Volk to be a harbinger of what is to come for the major classics coming about a month later. By ignoring all data points that don’t support my assumptions, my study has conclusively demonstrated the following points:

Rare is the case when a rider wins Het Volk and also wins de Ronde or Roubaix.
Weather can’t hold a peak any better than a rider can, apparently; dry weather in Het Volk means wet weather in April and vice versa.
Riders who race Het Volk in their Flandrian Best generally perform better in the monuments.
Racing to the win in too-long a pair of knickers is a specter of failure for future events.
Racing with an upturned cycling cap brim will yield a season fraught with spectacular highs and lows.

In light of this, it was with great relief that I noticed that while the weather was cold for Het Volk, it was also dry. Which conclusively shows that the bergs in de Ronde and the trench in Roubaix will be coated in heaps of slippery mud. Thank Merckx, too; it’s been too many years of dry weather for my taste. For those of you smart enough to sign up for Keepers Tour, this will be epic. And yes, I know its not called Het Volk anymore. (We have a few open spots left on the Tour, so get in while the getting’s good.)

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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Dan_R says:

Mar 4 2013 at 11:54 am

@DerHoggz

@Dan_R

@Tobin
Yeah, with a name like CafÃ© Roubaix, I felt obligated to open for a few hours today.

You have Deda frames?!?

For future VSPs we should do some kind of betting on whether or not the Schlecklette will finish. At the very least, free points!

Yeah, we got Deda in the house! I brought in 2 Nerissimo frames for the display, but I can get them all. Being surrounded by all this crazy bike porn everyday has not sated my own lusts. It is worse.
Chris says:

Mar 4 2013 at 11:57 am

@Deakus

Alcohol always used to trigger it with me (not food) and in the end I figured out it was closely related to dehydration...

The doctor reckoned mine might have been the result of dehydration suffered on holiday in Spain. My knee did swell up a fair bit after a long hot ride. However, to say that it's not alcohol related wouldn't be entirely accurate, there was a lot of Pedro Ximinez sherry consumed the night before. Lovely stuff but the hangovers are on a similar scale to port.

@Deakus

I will now politely recede from my intrusion in to the internal joke!

Gout's no fun if you're not going to joke about it. Carry on.
G'rilla says:

Mar 4 2013 at 12:36 pm

Placed 13 of 39. Four fewer falls and I would be in the top ten!
Deakus says:

Mar 4 2013 at 12:42 pm

@Chris

@Deakus

Alcohol always used to trigger it with me (not food) and in the end I figured out it was closely related to dehydration...

The doctor reckoned mine might have been the result of dehydration suffered on holiday in Spain. My knee did swell up a fair bit after a long hot ride. However, to say that it's not alcohol related wouldn't be entirely accurate, there was a lot of Pedro Ximinez sherry consumed the night before. Lovely stuff but the hangovers are on a similar scale to port.

@Deakus

I will now politely recede from my intrusion in to the internal joke!

Gout's no fun if you're not going to joke about it. Carry on.

heavy consumption = dehydration....you were probably half way to the attack before you ever got on the bike!
RedRanger says:

Mar 4 2013 at 2:24 pm

@G'rilla that's some fun looking trail. I would love to ride some of that.
Dr C says:

Mar 4 2013 at 2:41 pm

@G'rilla

You don't look like the mild mannered chap I remember in those photos - worth hanging those snaps in your bathroom where you can enjoy them in peace
frank says:

Mar 4 2013 at 2:52 pm

@G'rilla

Placed 13 of 39. Four fewer falls and I would be in the top ten!

OH HELLYEAH! Nice pics. What's great about the pics is they don't show how slow you're going.

I also like how you put on leg warmers that look just like skin and muscle.
G'rilla says:

Mar 4 2013 at 4:51 pm

@frank Don't tell Brett that I was running 2 inch tires.
RedRanger says:

Mar 4 2013 at 5:04 pm

@G'rilla I'm running 2.0 also. i was running 2.3 and it's a pretty big difference. Everything feels faster. Running at about 28-30 psi.
Mikael Liddy says:

Mar 4 2013 at 5:22 pm

@G'rilla photo #1 is a properly good 'oh shit' face.