Categories: Defining MomentsNostalgiaTradition

Defining Moments: Sprinteur to Rouleur

As we grow older, humility takes it’s chilling hold. The little nagging questions like, “Will this next activity kill me?” start to weigh heavier on our minds. It’s not that these questions weren’t asked when we gripped our youth like a toddler grips his penis; it’s just that they didn’t mean as much to us then as they do now.

You see, when you’re young and that particular question is asked, it is spoken in a wimpy voice which sounds a lot like it’s being a Pussy. As we get older, the Smart Ones realize that annoying sound is actually the “Voice of Reason” and that perhaps we should not ask our buddy to “hold our beer” while we attempt the as-yet-unaccomplished feat of jumping our BMX from the top of the interchange to that tiny little ledge an impossible distance away.

Such is the progression from Sprinteur to Rouleur. The devaluation of risk versus reward; of the pleasure of winning versus the pleasure of winning at all costs. We’ve seen it before; Sean Kelly wins Green at the Tour more times than I can count and then turns to winning the Classics instead. Eddy Planckaert starts as a sprinter, eases into winning Flanders, then wins Green, and turns to winning Roubaix. Johan Museeuw wins Green and becomes the Lion of Flanders, never to ride the Tour again. George Hincapie made the same transition, albeit without any of the aforementioned results. I feel strongly that after a season of near-misses in the classics and taking a beating in the gallops, Tom Boonen is about to follow suit.

It’s a natural move from Sprinteur to Rouleur, but often it’s difficult to pinpoint the exact time when the transition happens; Kelly, Planckaert, and Museeuw made the change gradually. I don’t know who the guy is pictured here in front of Jalabert – he appears to be either Dutch or Luxembourgian, based on the cuffs of his sleeve. Whoever he is, he looks completely fucked – not to mention that we never heard from him again after such a nasty crash. I can make an educated guess that, based on the apish look on his face, he’s probably Dutch. (I’m Dutch, so that’s not racist. If you lash back in kind, I’ll sic the Anit-Dutch Police on you. They are mean, and will get the Swiss to write you an angry letter, so don’t tell me you weren’t warned.)

Between the two subjects in the photo, the Dutchemburg guy looks by far the better off. The crash was caused by a Policeman wanting to photograph the finish of the 1994 Tour Stage to Armentieres, and who in his idiotic Darwinism stepped into the path of the charging bunch. Jalabert required extensive facial surgery in order to stop looking like a stand-in for a horror movie, but nevertheless returned to win the Dotty Jumper a couple times in the Tour – distinguishing himself as the only rider besides Eddy Merckx and Bernard Hinault to win both the Spotted Dick and the Green Willie.

For that, I thank the ape-man in the sweet Cinelli hairnet for offering us the Defining Moment in Jalabert’s career when he became an all-rounder who won our hearts.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next Anatomy of a Photo: The Man with the Crystal Globes »

Previous « Il Gruppo Progetto Elegentemente Rifinito

View Comments

Marcus says:

Oct 28 2010 at 4:55 pm

@mcsqueak

And what might Mr Read say about you?

"Hi I'm Chopper Read and this bloke here uses McSqueak as his Velominati name. Harden the fuck up McSqueak."
Steampunk says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:12 pm

@Marcus
A "few"? C'mon, now!

Chapeau, though: I've been waiting for the right moment to make a tulips crack on here, but the opportunity hadn't presented itself.
mcsqueak says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:18 pm

@Marcus

What he'd really say is "Oi, my mate here has the bloody word 'squeak' in his name, because that's the only sound others can muster as he lays down The V."

You know, like when one of those big-ass bodyguards (who doesn't even know what The V is, but can certainly lay it down) is named 'Tiny'. No need for a tough or manly name.
frank says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:30 pm

@Marcus
Chapeau. Very well played, indeed. But...

He is a World Champion on the track as well as having been part of a world record pursuit team. Combine that with being the best leadout man in the business and I believe a modicum of respect is warranted.

I had much more than a modicum of respect for him until his well-deserved ejection from the Tour. Putting your colleagues' in danger pointlessly is worth much worse punishment than being disparaged on the interwebs by some Dutchman who knows little about anything. That was a classless act, and the last thing of note that he did this season. Massive fail for that, regardless of nationality or how good he is at anything. That one's up there with Cav's behavior.

There are plenty great Aussies to cheer for. What's wrong with O'Grady? O'Grady figures high on the list of "Dude's I'd Like to Have Beers With". As does Jens and Thor. And it's a short list.

As for the tulips, tell me your heart doesn't skip a beat when you gaze upon these fields:
frank says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:31 pm

@mcsqueak
++1
Zoncolan says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:33 pm

mcsqueak :
@Marcus

What he'd really say is "Oi, my mate here has the bloody word 'squeak' in his name, because that's the only sound others can muster as he lays down The V."

You know, like when one of those big-ass bodyguards (who doesn't even know what The V is, but can certainly lay it down) is named 'Tiny'. No need for a tough or manly name.

Which is why me, as a 6'2" 90kg rider uses the nomenclature that i do. Juxtatastic.

Bit like finding Abdouzhaparov likes fluffy animals (he had a farm). With a name like his, you'd think he ate them raw directly from his musette. An Abdouzhaxaposition.
G'phant says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:54 pm

@Zoncolan
++1 - though most farmers I know (and, being a Kiwi, I know a few) don't particularly like fluffy animals. In fact, the fluffiest animal we have here is the possum. We got it from Australia and now it runs rampant destroying our native flora and fauna and giving our farm animal diseases. So farmers (and, frankly, quite a few of us who aren't farmers) shoot it. Often. And not just because it's Australian. Though that does help.
G'phant says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:55 pm

@Zoncolan
Sorry - let's get this back on track. Renshaw. Bastard - or not? Discuss.
G'phant says:

Oct 28 2010 at 5:59 pm

frank :@G'phantBy the way, G'Phant. Congratulations on achieving Velominatus Black Order status. I think you're the first.

Excellent. I am ridiculously pleased by that. My wife won't understand.
mcsqueak says:

Oct 28 2010 at 6:08 pm

@Zoncolan

Ah, nothing wrong with eating raw animals! While I generally don't eat raw land mammals, raw sea food is quite delicious.

Also, Abdouzhaparov failed tests for Clenbuterol. You say he had a farm. SeÃ±or "Finger-Bang" has said that his Clenbuterol contamination came from eating beef.

Coincidence? Or Ex-Soviet plot? I'll let you decide.