Fendangelism
Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.
The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.
And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.
Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..
Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.
At the Carrefour.
@Teocalli
I enter the house through the basement where the washer/dryer is. I love it when I take the kit off and my body still oozes water for a while.
@Patrick
I don’t understand how mudguards or saddlebags make you ride farther; no one needs to carry all that shit. I do solo unsupported 12 hour rides without an EPMS or mudguards. That seems long enough to prove the point.
@Oli
Gawd, you’ve kept that one tucked up your mudguard waiting for the right moment haven’t ya?
@frank
Maybe you should leave the tools to someone who knows what they’re doing?
@frank
Methinks we just got to the “too much detail” point.
@Uncle V
If it requires you to put out x Watts to ride your #1 at 30 kph, it will require +/- 2 additional Watts to ride your heavier bike (accounting for the additional mass alone, assuming no change in effiiciency, etc.). This is from some calculator I found on the webs, so let’s just assume it’s roughly accurate.
Moving from the science to the real question: if you’re willing to put out 2 additional Watts to push around a heavy bike at a given speed, why would you not want to apply those two additional Watts on your #1 and go a little faster? I get the psychological effect of your bike feeling fast and light under you come race day; but aren’t the effects of riding faster all the time just as valuable? I’m thinking something like the effects of moto-pacing.
Here’s where I see a difference: the light-as-fuck feeling fades almost immediately, and you settle back into the slower pace you’re “used to” from spending your time on a heavy bike. When you’re racing #1, you want to think “this feels right.”
We don’t have lights on our bikes when we race so wtf are they doing on your bikes at all? Rule #5 people.
@Oli
Good people are looking after you while racing and no one is watching you train.
Don’t allow Rule #5 to become debased by meaning *dumb the fuck up*!
@frank
If you’re getting cold you’re wearing the wrong kit.
Rule #5 is obviously important; if you stop and start whining about the conditions you’ll get cold, if you keep going you’ll stay warm.
@Oli
To see in the dark, Im not fkn Bat Man !
Oh my goodness. I totally did not expect anyone to take that one seriously in the least. I’m embarrassed and sad that you think I’m really that stupid.
@Oli
I didn’t, sarcasm is all I’ve got also. Carry on, nothing to see here !
@Barracuda
No, but @universo clearly did. Sheesh.
@Oli
I wuz wrong to say those wurds.
@Marcus
Hey Marcus,
Fuck off. I was here first.
Marcus
@Oli
Well I wasn’t gonna say nothin, but as long as you bring it up…
@Barracuda
…and I corrected your post
@litvi
I never said I wasn’t stupid, just not THAT stupid.
@chuckp
These are exactly what I use.
For reasons that may (or may not) be revealed later I am Training Properly which means a lot of high(ish) speed solo night riding. I live near the Middle of Nowhere so dark here is really dark and the pool of light out front seems to keep the owls off as well as allowing one to see where one is going.
The 700 setting eats the battery in about 45 minutes but is handy for bursts on descents. The 450 I haven’t got to the bottom of yet and is fine for most purposes. I use a big battery Nite Rider front light too – always feel better with two lights up front and I get 750 from it if needed – its like having your own patch of daylight.
I use two Flare’s on the back – one on steady and one set to stun – never run out of juice yet. Minor niggle is I’ve had to warranty two as when they get sprayed in salty shitty water they can leak if the seals aren’t set just so. The seal on the front is excellent so why the seal on the rears is relatively crappy beats me.
@the Engine
I’ve had to warranty two as when they get sprayed in salty shitty water they can leak if the seals aren’t set just so.
You know, a rear mudguard might solve that issue! (runs for cover . . . ) And anyway, you live in Scotland, home of wetness. Back in my day, mudguards were de rigeur on your winter bike. The #1 was for those fleeting, rare dry days or racing. Doing the Three Lochs or going down the coast to Largs and West Kilbride in the wet was miserable enough in wool without being soaked by tire spray. (sorry, tyre spray).
Nice! Glad to read that I’m not the only one running multiple rear lights!
LOVE how many lights are now usb rechargeable, can’t just plug them in during the day at work and make sure I’m topped up for longer road rides.
@wiscot
aye a rear fender may help keep the road shite off the light but I have yet to be behind anyone sporting a rear fender and not get sprayed anyway, good for the rider not the guy behind and it just looks naff anyway, but each to their own. Key point is to really make sure the charging point plug is fully secure, and a wee dab of silcon grease wont hurt either.
@Ron
Eh? If you don’t use a ‘puter you just need a USB wall socket adapter.
@Oli
Again, I left this community for a short term and returned without all my faculties being together. Total reverence for Oli’s wisdom and merit. I for one still suck and have a long way to go.
@chuckp
I’m researching and testing a new secret weapon for riding my machine at dusk and nightfall.
@universo
Hey mate, don’t worry about it, I’m just yanking your chain! It’s all cool.
@universo
Most of the nighttime mtb crew I ride with use Exposure lights for full on off road night rides. Never had any problem with them and they will melt rabbits in their tracks.
@Teocalli
USE also offers a 26.0 handlebar bracket – super clean.
@Oli
Good. We can revert back to “hey fucker!”
@Oli
meant to reply “hey fuckhead!”
@universo
Yup I have one of those for my bar mounted rabbit cooker.
@Teocalli
@Ron can’t plug into any wall sockets at work though. He works in a coal mine just for the Rule #5 cred.
@universo
Fuckstick?
@Oli
Now I concede.
@Marcus
Who the fuck are you?
@minion
Marcus and Minion bickering, have I just been transported back to 2013?
Minority report: fenders look less worse than skunk stripe (which just makes you look like a dilettante who forgot to check the weather forecast), especially if you ride dirt roads in spring and fall or at all in the snow. Especially especially if you make a cafe stop afterwards. They also imply you invoke Rule #9 regularly enough to make it worth the hassle of installing them.
@chris
God I hope so!
@Pluvius maximus
No one should really know about your Rule #9 episodes. Service in silence. No one should know or would care anyway.
@Pluvius maximus
Next time I get caught in the beloved rain, then I’ll turn my jersey around backwards. There.
I’ll probably find a few kindred spirits here amid the lambasting but summertime is when I ride with friends. I ride alone in the winter to avoid the outcomes that riding without mudguards would have ion my fellow riders. I personally cannot stand anything superfluous on the bike.
@universo
Haha!
@brett
We’ll see. Fucking Marcus sticks his nose above the parapet once every now and then, gives me a break from trolling Fhrohnhk.