Categories: Accessories and GearLa Vie VelominatusLook ProRantings from the V-BunkerTradition

Fendangelism

A fenderless creature emerges from the bog of the Forest of Arenberg.

Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.

The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.

And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.

Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..

Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

Next The Fasting Ride »

Previous « Guest Article: Workstands and Toolkits

View Comments

frank says:

Feb 24 2016 at 1:30 pm

@Teocalli

I’ve said this previously but I know it’s been a “good” ride when the VMW says “get straight in the shower and don’t bother getting undressed first”. Though oddly this seems to be becoming “you might as well hose yourself down too while you are cleaning the bike”.

I enter the house through the basement where the washer/dryer is. I love it when I take the kit off and my body still oozes water for a while.

@Patrick

So, after lurking for a year. I have to spill my guts now. IMHO looking good is not the primary aim of riding a bike. It’s to ride a bike! As much as possible, as often as possible and as far as possible. The rules should support that goal. And mudguards and saddlebags support that primary goals. So if needed, I ride with a saddlebag and I can go further and ride more.

I don't understand how mudguards or saddlebags make you ride farther; no one needs to carry all that shit. I do solo unsupported 12 hour rides without an EPMS or mudguards. That seems long enough to prove the point.
minion says:

Feb 24 2016 at 1:50 pm

@Oli

@minion

Don’t be so offendersive!

Gawd, you've kept that one tucked up your mudguard waiting for the right moment haven't ya?
minion says:

Feb 24 2016 at 1:53 pm

@frank

@Jonathan

Jeez, this is only my second post here, but I’m already going to get into trouble. I had a lovely purpose built Rando style bike with fenders and dynamo lights and all. It was absolutely amazing in the wet. I’ve done my share of hardcore rides, but after realizing fenders exist, it seems pointless to suffer needlessly. That and properly installed fenders are not at all noisy. Careful shopping results in fenders that aren’t absolutely hideous, but I’m not going to pretend they’re optimal in the looks department.

I found that despite how carefully they are installed on a racing bike, the clearance is so low that if they don’t make noise themselves, then they at least will make noise when road grit gets in there.

Maybe you should leave the tools to someone who knows what they're doing?
Teocalli says:

Feb 24 2016 at 2:10 pm

@frank

I enter the house through the basement where the washer/dryer is. I love it when I take the kit off and my body still oozes water for a while.

Methinks we just got to the "too much detail" point.
litvi says:

Feb 24 2016 at 2:22 pm

@Uncle V

Here we go . I have 4 road bikes . 3 of them drool worthy,spotless and looking fantastic .One under 15lbs with pedals ,the other 2 steel and under 17lbs. The 4th is a 25lb steel Norco with full Portland Design works fenders. Guess which bike I ride when its raining or below freezing with wet salty roads . Guess which bike has taken me through more shit than any bike I have ever owned. Guess which bike is a work horse . Guess which bike keeps my feet and body relatively dry in wet conditions. Guess which 3 bikes have minty clean drive trains . Guess which bike keeps me strong with its 25lb heft . Guess which bike makes my others feel like rocketships with their light weight.Guess which bike has served me well through mud and grime with its blessed fenders . Guess which bike has become one of my favorites .I could go on and on . Its ok to love your beater bike with its full fenders rules or not .

If it requires you to put out x Watts to ride your #1 at 30 kph, it will require +/- 2 additional Watts to ride your heavier bike (accounting for the additional mass alone, assuming no change in effiiciency, etc.). This is from some calculator I found on the webs, so let's just assume it's roughly accurate.

Moving from the science to the real question: if you're willing to put out 2 additional Watts to push around a heavy bike at a given speed, why would you not want to apply those two additional Watts on your #1 and go a little faster? I get the psychological effect of your bike feeling fast and light under you come race day; but aren't the effects of riding faster all the time just as valuable? I'm thinking something like the effects of moto-pacing.

Here's where I see a difference: the light-as-fuck feeling fades almost immediately, and you settle back into the slower pace you're "used to" from spending your time on a heavy bike. When you're racing #1, you want to think "this feels right."
Oli says:

Feb 24 2016 at 2:26 pm

We don't have lights on our bikes when we race so wtf are they doing on your bikes at all? Rule #5 people.
universo says:

Feb 24 2016 at 3:04 pm

@Oli

Good people are looking after you while racing and no one is watching you train.
universo says:

Feb 24 2016 at 3:07 pm

Don't allow Rule #5 to become debased by meaning *dumb the fuck up*!
chris says:

Feb 24 2016 at 3:12 pm

@frank

@Jonathan

I guess it depends on the ride, as well. For truly nasty rides that involve a little gravel and dirt, fenders can actually become a hazard. But for winter training rides on damp roads? That just means I get colder faster and do less miles. Not interested.

Or you can get colder faster and do the same distance because of Rule #5.

If you're getting cold you're wearing the wrong kit.

Rule #5 is obviously important; if you stop and start whining about the conditions you'll get cold, if you keep going you'll stay warm.
Barracuda says:

Feb 24 2016 at 3:22 pm

@Oli

We don’t have lights on our bikes when we race so wtf are they doing on your bikes at all? Rule #5 people.

To see in the dark, Im not fkn Bat Man !