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Fendangelism

A fenderless creature emerges from the bog of the Forest of Arenberg.

Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.

The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.

And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.

Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..

Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Oli says:

Feb 24 2016 at 5:46 pm

Oh my goodness. I totally did not expect anyone to take that one seriously in the least. I'm embarrassed and sad that you think I'm really that stupid.
Barracuda says:

Feb 24 2016 at 5:53 pm

@Oli

Oh my goodness. I totally did not expect anyone to take that one seriously in the least. I’m embarrassed and sad that you think I’m really that stupid.

I didn't, sarcasm is all I've got also. Carry on, nothing to see here !
Oli says:

Feb 24 2016 at 6:04 pm

@Barracuda

No, but @universo clearly did. Sheesh.
universo says:

Feb 24 2016 at 6:09 pm

@Oli

I wuz wrong to say those wurds.
Marcus says:

Feb 24 2016 at 10:17 pm

@Marcus

@Neil

This isn’t a website for cyclists, it’s a website for two wheeled fetishists.

No mudguards in winter? In a bunch? Fuck everyone else just as long as you look good? That’s cuntish behaviour of the highest order.

*prepares for incoming*

Glad I’m not alone in this. Back in the day when we would train all winter in Seattle, if you showed up to a team ride without fenders and mudflaps in off season, you either got sent home, or had to ride at the back, but far enough off that you werent getting a draft.

Hey Marcus,

Fuck off. I was here first.

Marcus
litvi says:

Feb 24 2016 at 10:34 pm

@Oli

Oh my goodness. I totally did not expect anyone to take that one seriously in the least. I’m embarrassed and sad that you think I’m really that stupid.

Well I wasn't gonna say nothin, but as long as you bring it up...
Teocalli says:

Feb 25 2016 at 12:54 am

@Barracuda

@Oli

We don’t have lights on our bikes when we race so wtf are they doing on your bikes at all? Rule #5 people.

To see in the dark. I'm not fkn Bat, Man !

...and I corrected your post
Oli says:

Feb 25 2016 at 1:59 am

@litvi

I never said I wasn't stupid, just not THAT stupid.
the Engine says:

Feb 25 2016 at 2:23 am

@chuckp

@hudson

@Ron

@frank

And yup on the lights. Though there is no telling when a text will get in the way of not ending my life, I feel better having front/rear lights when I’m riding on open roads.

Not having lights is like not wearing a helmet in my opinion, at least a rear light, something small but with the power of the Eye of Sauron.

Except during peak summer/daylight, most of my riders (after work) carry over into the waning hours of daylight and sometimes into darkness. Plus I live in and ride in (or transit through) a dense, urban area with a lot of cars/traffic. So lights have become a “must have” for me. I have a Bontrager Ion 700R front light. Three steady state modes (250/450/700 lumens). 700 lumens is actually too bright at night in an urban setting (blinds oncoming traffic), but 450 provides both enough light to see and be seen. The 50 lumens irregular strobe is great to use to be seen during daylight (there’s also a regular flash mode).

My rear light is a Bontrager Flare R, which in bright mode is supposed to be visible in daylight from 2km. I can’t say for sure if that’s true, but the first time I ever used it on a small group ride and got out ahead just for fun (maybe a kilometer), when we re-grouped everyone said you could see the flashing/strobe and quite a distance (there’s also a steady state mode). In bright mode it’s actually too bright if you’re riding in close quarters. My wife has asked me to “tone it down” when she rides with me. And when it gets dark out, the less bright setting is definitely more than enough to be seen.

These are exactly what I use.

For reasons that may (or may not) be revealed later I am Training Properly which means a lot of high(ish) speed solo night riding. I live near the Middle of Nowhere so dark here is really dark and the pool of light out front seems to keep the owls off as well as allowing one to see where one is going.

The 700 setting eats the battery in about 45 minutes but is handy for bursts on descents. The 450 I haven't got to the bottom of yet and is fine for most purposes. I use a big battery Nite Rider front light too - always feel better with two lights up front and I get 750 from it if needed - its like having your own patch of daylight.

I use two Flare's on the back - one on steady and one set to stun - never run out of juice yet. Minor niggle is I've had to warranty two as when they get sprayed in salty shitty water they can leak if the seals aren't set just so. The seal on the front is excellent so why the seal on the rears is relatively crappy beats me.
wiscot says:

Feb 25 2016 at 8:24 am

@the Engine

I’ve had to warranty two as when they get sprayed in salty shitty water they can leak if the seals aren’t set just so.

You know, a rear mudguard might solve that issue! (runs for cover . . . ) And anyway, you live in Scotland, home of wetness. Back in my day, mudguards were de rigeur on your winter bike. The #1 was for those fleeting, rare dry days or racing. Doing the Three Lochs or going down the coast to Largs and West Kilbride in the wet was miserable enough in wool without being soaked by tire spray. (sorry, tyre spray).