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Fendangelism

A fenderless creature emerges from the bog of the Forest of Arenberg.

Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.

The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.

And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.

Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..

Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Sparty says:

Feb 23 2016 at 8:14 am

Riding a cross race in sloppy conditions is sometimes the epitome of Rule #9. I'll also argue that after a full day of on and off rain while riding the cow shite country roads with my teammates, is classic Rule #9. You see, during the rainy moments, the mud and shite mix to coat the bike and body. As the rain ends, you begin to form a nice crust as you dry a bit. Then another pocket of light rain and more of the mix. Repeat several times. By days end, you are literally layered with the mix. You can likely scrap each layer from your face separately to reveal the sections of the county you rode through and the breed of cow shite you carried home.
frank says:

Feb 23 2016 at 8:15 am

@Oli

@frank

Hahaha, owned!

That was going to be my original cover photo to cut it off at the pass, but went for the bog monster instead. That lorry shot is so awesome.
Teocalli says:

Feb 23 2016 at 8:26 am

@Sparty

They used to build walls from that mix.
wiscot says:

Feb 23 2016 at 8:37 am

@Ron

And, of course, there are good looking and shite looking PROs in all sports. Dudes with bad tattoos and awful haircuts now roam the soccer pitch, the hockey rink, and the basketball courts at the highest levels.

I’m not rushing out to get a neck tattoo and an asymmetric haircut because some rich asshole is doing it.

Now that's no way to talk about David Beckham . . .
wiscot says:

Feb 23 2016 at 8:40 am

@frank

@Oli

@frank

Hahaha, owned!

That was going to be my original cover photo to cut it off at the pass, but went for the bog monster instead. That lorry shot is so awesome.

So here's the question: does that lorry have the right to ignore stop lights and stop signs? What if he did and got pulled over? "But officer" said the driver, "I was motorpacing M. Merckx on a training run." "You were?" replied M. Gendarme, "Well, carry on then. So sorry to interrupt work in the national interest."
Teocalli says:

Feb 23 2016 at 9:13 am

@wiscot

You going to argue with a thing that size?
LawnCzar says:

Feb 23 2016 at 9:27 am

Snowed yesterday? Not my problem.
Owen says:

Feb 23 2016 at 10:25 am

Had myself a nice Rule 9 ride this past weekend. Moving to western WA has made me realize that if I don't go out when it's pissing rain, I'm just not going to ride. Not as muddy as the Belgian shot above (perish the thought) but still took a while to get the grime out. @Frank will be glad to know I've seen the error of my ways vis a vis toe covers, and have some booties on order.

I like the crack about spots at the front. Going to use that next time someone complains.
Owen says:

Feb 23 2016 at 10:27 am

@hudson

@Patrick

So, after lurking for a year. I have to spill my guts now. IMHO looking good is not the primary aim of riding a bike. It’s to ride a bike! As much as possible, as often as possible and as far as possible. The rules should support that goal. And mudguards and saddlebags support that primary goals. So if needed, I ride with a saddlebag and I can go further and ride more.

You have been lurking for a year…reading all of these wonderful articles about how looking fantastic is of up-most importance, and your in disagreement? I’m intrigued as to why you still read. No one here is saying not to ride as far and as hard as possible, if only more folks did. However, correct me if i’m wrong, but isn’t the Velominati about something more, something almost unattainable…looking fantastic while suffering and hoping for a rare encounter with La Volupte, all while adhering to a set of driving principles that honors our chosen discipline and its rich history. Viva La Vie Velominatus! (still jazzed from my soaking wet commute (without fenders) and perhaps one too many cups of coffee)

Hill repeats. Go.
Bruce Lee says:

Feb 23 2016 at 11:07 am

I truly find myself torn on this issue. Looking good is a key part of riding well, no doubt, whether on or off-road. Prior to moving to Seattle fenders never made it onto my bike. Ever. But there are days here in the northwest where it is so dang wet that keeping ones feet and butt region dry(er) is a big plus to get out and ride a decent distance. In fact, the first group ride I attended here in January 1989 I was relegated to the back of the group for not having fenders, despite my willingness to drag everyone around in the wind.

Factoring in N+1, one of my rides is a sad sack Raleigh POS rain bike that is fenderized. It is the antithesis of my preferred ride; Ugly vs sexy, heavy vs light, creaky vs silent. It is punishment to ride, perhaps even to those nearby. Lucky for me, without my hearing aids I cannot hear the racket, and in the dark of winter few are around to spot me riding the Pig.

Still, I always feel so dirty after riding the fender bike. But it's good to suffer.