A fenderless creature emerges from the bog of the Forest of Arenberg.
Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.
The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.
And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.
Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..
Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.
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I use a detachable rear fender for a singular reason: I can't afford to replace kit very often. The little splashes on the front are usually easily washed out, but that heavy stuff from the rooster tail out of the low back never comes out entirely.
I've managed to set aside enough cash to place a sizeable order when our 2016 club kit becomes available in a few weeks, after which I should be able to have a dedicated #9 set. But for the time being, I'll look less fantastic now to Look Fantastic later.
@freddy
Is that a pair of dress socks over the tights and under the shoe covers? Looks properly muddy; I see he just finished his post-ride cigarette and dropped it on the street.
@PeakInTwoYears
Brilliant!
I thought you'd appreciate the non-commutative property of Fournel's Theorem.
I'll be honest. I didn't know Fournel's Theorem had anything specifically to do with commuting.
Am i the only one here who think that fenders can look good on the right bike? Each his own i guess, i can't stand the look of aheadset stem myself...the reason won't buy a jaegher even tough its steel, good looking, and belgian.
Plus its easy to not care about road grime when you have a car as a backup. When i have to go to work in heavy rain, which is not rare in Belgium, i take my randonneur.
@marcus.birke
It does, doesn't it! That's what happens when you have car support and you're just taking bidons through the window and getting on with crushing fools on the muddy pavé!
This isn't a website for cyclists, it's a website for two wheeled fetishists.
No mudguards in winter? In a bunch? Fuck everyone else just as long as you look good? That's cuntish behaviour of the highest order.
*prepares for incoming*
@brett
You had all those cobble's experts around you and yet nobody told you the rear tire is backwards?
Love the bike, hate the lack of drop, probably @frank took it. Horizontal stem in line with the top tube would be tits Bretto as long as you could handle the drop. Pardon my honesty.
Did you suffer back injury recently? I'd think after all these years on a bike you should be comfortable with more drop?
@KogaLover
It didn't at the start of that ride!
@Teocalli
Yep. In some parts of the world they still do.
I failed to mention that there is a small chicken farm that we often ride past. Last season, they must have had a mishap with their chicken shite spreader as they drove on the road to their next field. Before we realized it, we were 50 meters into it with better than 300 to go. I can still hear the sound of the retching and gagging of a few riders as we rode in the opposing lane past that Hell. It literally made my eyes water. Lucky, we were near the end of the ride because there was no way I was using my bidons with that spray all over them.