Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.

The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.

And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.

Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..

Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @TommyTubolare

    @brett

    You had all those cobble’s experts around you and yet nobody told you the rear tire is backwards?

    Not my wheelset, didn't have time to notice, or care.

    Love the bike, hate the lack of drop, probably @frank took it. Horizontal stem in line with the top tube would be tits Bretto as long as you could handle the drop. Pardon my honesty.

    Did you suffer back injury recently? I’d think after all these years on a bike you should be comfortable with more drop?

    I'm 51, and yes, have had back/neck/arm issues recently. The stem has been dropped 20mm from when that photo was taken, that was my 3rd or 4th ride on the bike and was still tweaking it. And I couldn't really give a fuck about drop now, just want to be able to ride again without my arm going numb. Maybe I'll put a +20º stem on it. And flat bars.

  • @Sparty

    @Teocalli

    @Sparty

    They used to build walls from that mix.

    Yep. In some parts of the world they still do.

    I failed to mention that there is a small chicken farm that we often ride past. Last season, they must have had a mishap with their chicken shite spreader as they drove on the road to their next field. Before we realized it, we were 50 meters into it with better than 300 to go. I can still hear the sound of the retching and gagging of a few riders as we rode in the opposing lane past that Hell. It literally made my eyes water. Lucky, we were near the end of the ride because there was no way I was using my bidons with that spray all over them.

    And then they all went out for chicken burgers...

  • @Ron

    freddy – Duncan just had a post-ride puff too, huh?

    RobSandy – while my modern saddles are all level, for some reason the older (or at least older design) saddles I ride feel best with a slight upwards tilt. I have a Turbo on my commuter, slightly up. And I have a new Regal on my Casati that seems to disappear below me when it’s just a bit upwards. Okay…I’m really opening myself up for some jokes here.

    Oh boy.

    The one concession I’ll make to terrible conditions – my 9 bike has black tape. Yup, some white tape will never fully recover from extremely awful conditions. Plus, less guilt during the ride that I’m trashing the tape.

    The only concession I make on my rain bike is a set of flashers front and back. It also has black bars, but the fizik tape stays white so that's not why they're black. They're black because white tape only goes on #1 these days.

  • My initial approach to inclement weather is rather cat-like: (an extreme aversion to getting kit or bike wet), but once the rain/sleet starts falling I transition rapidly to the mindset of a 12 year old (my inner Jens Voigt). The dichotomy can be striking.

  • @brett

    @TommyTubolare

    @brett

    You had all those cobble’s experts around you and yet nobody told you the rear tire is backwards?

    Not my wheelset, didn’t have time to notice, or care.

    Yet you had time to make sure the valvestems were bottom-most and the chain was in the big ring before you took the shot.  So what you're really saying is, you didn't have time to notice or care you were violating Rule #2, and therefore guilty-by-association of a Rule #40 violation.  Got it.

    Hold on... lemme get some more stones to throw!

  • @frank

    @PeakInTwoYears

    Read first, then post.

    I’ve told college students the same fucking thing for twenty fucking years. You just have to keep repeating yourself year in and year out. It never fucking ends.

    Brilliant!

    I thought you’d appreciate the non-commutative property of Fournel’s Theorem.

    Am I smoking crack, or did your post originally say 'not cumulative' ?  Because it totally is.  The more (and more often) you Look Fantastic, the Faster you Go.

  • @frank

    Ordered Newbwaum's Dark Gray cotton tape to wrap my 3ttt Super Competezione bars. And planning to wrap them as often as necessary. Eventually I'll get myself feeling it for white cotton tape.

  • @Sparty

    @Teocalli

    @Sparty

    They used to build walls from that mix.

    Yep. In some parts of the world they still do.

    I failed to mention that there is a small chicken farm that we often ride past. Last season, they must have had a mishap with their chicken shite spreader as they drove on the road to their next field. Before we realized it, we were 50 meters into it with better than 300 to go. I can still hear the sound of the retching and gagging of a few riders as we rode in the opposing lane past that Hell. It literally made my eyes water. Lucky, we were near the end of the ride because there was no way I was using my bidons with that spray all over them.

    Fertilized with wretched chickenshit you were? I think that that makes you organic.

  •  

    And just to repeat seeing as how original post was quickly lost on another thread and this thread being far

    more appropriate. I love this photo. Spring classics are for badasses.

     

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