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Fendangelism

A fenderless creature emerges from the bog of the Forest of Arenberg.

Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.

The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.

And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.

Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..

Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

brett says:

Feb 23 2016 at 3:21 pm

@litvi

@brett

@TommyTubolare

@brett

You had all those cobble’s experts around you and yet nobody told you the rear tire is backwards?

Not my wheelset, didn’t have time to notice, or care.

Yet you had time to make sure the valvestems were bottom-most and the chain was in the big ring before you took the shot. So what you’re really saying is, you didn’t have time to notice or care you were violating Rule #2, and therefore guilty-by-association of a Rule #40 violation. Got it.

Hold on… lemme get some more stones to throw!

Well I may have checked the valve stems, but the chain never left the big ring.
DeKerr says:

Feb 23 2016 at 4:22 pm

@Neil

This isn’t a website for cyclists, it’s a website for two wheeled fetishists.

No mudguards in winter? In a bunch? Fuck everyone else just as long as you look good? That’s cuntish behaviour of the highest order.

*prepares for incoming*

...of the highest order? No. That level is reserved for the Texan.

But being a bunch of pedantic cycling fetishists who enjoy making others "suffer" on a ride... Yup. That's us.
Vince says:

Feb 23 2016 at 4:35 pm

I was recently forced off my bike by a combination of an immovable object, gravity, and speed. I was using an EPMS prior to disembarking my bike. In the process of disembarking my bike so too did the EPMS. I threw that EPMS into the orange grove I crashed next to and carried on my way, and haven't gone back to using one since. Therefore, for fear of what Merckx would do to me should I affix fenders to my steed, I have not affixed fenders to my steed.
litvi says:

Feb 23 2016 at 4:48 pm

@brett

@litvi

@brett

@TommyTubolare

@brett

You had all those cobble’s experts around you and yet nobody told you the rear tire is backwards?

Not my wheelset, didn’t have time to notice, or care.

Yet you had time to make sure the valvestems were bottom-most and the chain was in the big ring before you took the shot. So what you’re really saying is, you didn’t have time to notice or care you were violating Rule #2, and therefore guilty-by-association of a Rule #40 violation. Got it.

Hold on… lemme get some more stones to throw!

Well I may have checked the valve stems, but the chain never left the big ring.

Redeemed.
universo says:

Feb 23 2016 at 5:52 pm

@Vince

Probably the best reason of all not to trust an EPMS to be any part of your ride.
RobSandy says:

Feb 24 2016 at 1:33 am

If you're going to race in the shit, you need to train in the shit.

Mudguards/fenders are not permitted while racing. So...
minion says:

Feb 24 2016 at 3:34 am

TBH all I'm seeing in the photos people are posting of their rides are reasons to use fenders. Riding in snow and mud and grinding all that shit into your bearings? I have a bike that permanently wears fenders. So much less cleaning and less crap getting into the drive train.
Oli says:

Feb 24 2016 at 3:39 am

@minion

Don't be so offendersive!
Buck Rogers says:

Feb 24 2016 at 4:28 am

@brett

@litvi

@brett

@TommyTubolare

@brett

You had all those cobble’s experts around you and yet nobody told you the rear tire is backwards?

Not my wheelset, didn’t have time to notice, or care.

Yet you had time to make sure the valvestems were bottom-most and the chain was in the big ring before you took the shot. So what you’re really saying is, you didn’t have time to notice or care you were violating Rule #2, and therefore guilty-by-association of a Rule #40 violation. Got it.

Hold on… lemme get some more stones to throw!

Well I may have checked the valve stems, but the chain never left the big ring.

And THAT is just one of the reasons that Brett is a Keeper.
Buck Rogers says:

Feb 24 2016 at 4:29 am

@RobSandy

If you’re going to race in the shit, you need to train in the shit.

Mudguards/fenders are not permitted while racing. So…

YES! Train as you fight!

Well said, @RobSandy.