Fendangelism
Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.
The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.
And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.
Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..
Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.
At the Carrefour.
Here’s a shot of my brother (Duncan on this site) after a recent ride. Like you were saying, “Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.”
The truly casually deliberate would make no mention of such things but merely lean the bike against the shed and go take a shower.
The only (rare) times I will deviate from the Path is when riding the mountain bike (social obligation) in the worst of trail conditions. This is because I can barely give even a fraction of a wet fart what I look like on a mountain bike.
Just a few minutes ago, I finished washing our MTBs after a couple of rides that could be called “submarine” if it weren’t for all the vegetation mixed with mud that had adhered to our bikes. And it occurred to me that getting attached to a mountain bike is like getting attached to a farm kid who’s just been given a Sopwith Camel and been told to go blast the Red Baron out of the sky. It will obviously end in tears so why get involved at all?
A drop-bar bike of any kind? No.
Your Prophet says stuff your rules!
@american psycho
You actually took that from our site, dude.
http://www.velominati.com/tradition/winter-training/
Read first, then post.
I’ve told college students the same fucking thing for twenty fucking years. You just have to keep repeating yourself year in and year out. It never fucking ends.
Brilliant.
What do you do if you’ve just picked up your dream bike in Belgium? Well you smash it across the pavé in the wet, of course.
Eloquent as always: “The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. ”
Although I missed the Rule on fenders and hence cherish the silence coming from my Crud Mark 2’s, I would agree that it does look better not to ride with mudguard, so time for a rethink.
Just to confirm that “just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good.”
http://cyclingtips.com/2016/02/debunking-the-rules-are-saddlebags-and-frame-pumps-pro/
Although special mentions goes Tobias Ludvigsson @ 1:43 and Geraint Thomas @ 2:18.
@brett
That looks even better than the original colour scheme.
I also love the way that green tyres transcend all colour matching rules.
@brett
Does your saddle tilt upwards?
I’ve said this previously but I know it’s been a “good” ride when the VMW says “get straight in the shower and don’t bother getting undressed first”. Though oddly this seems to be becoming “you might as well hose yourself down too while you are cleaning the bike”.
@RobSandy
I was thinking exactly the same, but vaguely remembered that this is the same type of discussion as the fact that Frahnk’s saddle is out-of-space, long armed Dutch monkey etcetcetc.
For Pete’s sake, Frank, what’s with the green bidon? Looks terrible with the color scheme on the bike.
It were this muddy when we were there…..
But it rained so hard on the leg into Roubaix…….
That things were pretty clean at the finish…..
But we still needed a shower……..
@Teocalli
What a dude. Just finishing reading his book for the 2nd time since Christmas. He has a chapter in the book just called ‘The Rules’, and I’m tempted to type them up to demonstrate how many align with The Rules as we know them.
@frank
Hahaha, owned!
@RobSandy
He actually mentions the Velominati in the first sentence of that chapter, so it’s a direct reference and it follows that the Rules would be the same.
@Teocalli
This was in my FB feed this morning…
@chris
Riding the crown would seem a good choice…….
@Teocalli
on a mtn bike too
@wilburrox
I think you just committed sacrilege to the hallowed cobbles of Flanders. Self flagellation with a mini pump in order.
@Teocalli
Nope, take yourself off to one of those steep cobbled streets in Yorkshire for numerous hill reps. On 19mm tyres. Pumped up to 120psi.
@chris
Well I could have suggested a horse might be even better still !
@wilburrox
You can always get off and walk if it’s a bit bumpy to ride.
This thread makes LeMan happy.
So, after lurking for a year. I have to spill my guts now. IMHO looking good is not the primary aim of riding a bike. It’s to ride a bike! As much as possible, as often as possible and as far as possible. The rules should support that goal. And mudguards and saddlebags support that primary goals. So if needed, I ride with a saddlebag and I can go further and ride more.
freddy – Duncan just had a post-ride puff too, huh?
RobSandy – while my modern saddles are all level, for some reason the older (or at least older design) saddles I ride feel best with a slight upwards tilt. I have a Turbo on my commuter, slightly up. And I have a new Regal on my Casati that seems to disappear below me when it’s just a bit upwards. Okay…I’m really opening myself up for some jokes here.
The one concession I’ll make to terrible conditions – my 9 bike has black tape. Yup, some white tape will never fully recover from extremely awful conditions. Plus, less guilt during the ride that I’m trashing the tape.
And, of course, there are good looking and shite looking PROs in all sports. Dudes with bad tattoos and awful haircuts now roam the soccer pitch, the hockey rink, and the basketball courts at the highest levels.
I’m not rushing out to get a neck tattoo and an asymmetric haircut because some rich asshole is doing it.
@Patrick
You have been lurking for a year…reading all of these wonderful articles about how looking fantastic is of up-most importance, and your in disagreement? I’m intrigued as to why you still read. No one here is saying not to ride as far and as hard as possible, if only more folks did. However, correct me if i’m wrong, but isn’t the Velominati about something more, something almost unattainable…looking fantastic while suffering and hoping for a rare encounter with La Volupte, all while adhering to a set of driving principles that honors our chosen discipline and its rich history. Viva La Vie Velominatus! (still jazzed from my soaking wet commute (without fenders) and perhaps one too many cups of coffee)
Riding a cross race in sloppy conditions is sometimes the epitome of Rule #9. I’ll also argue that after a full day of on and off rain while riding the cow shite country roads with my teammates, is classic Rule #9. You see, during the rainy moments, the mud and shite mix to coat the bike and body. As the rain ends, you begin to form a nice crust as you dry a bit. Then another pocket of light rain and more of the mix. Repeat several times. By days end, you are literally layered with the mix. You can likely scrap each layer from your face separately to reveal the sections of the county you rode through and the breed of cow shite you carried home.
@Oli
That was going to be my original cover photo to cut it off at the pass, but went for the bog monster instead. That lorry shot is so awesome.
@Sparty
They used to build walls from that mix.
@Ron
Now that’s no way to talk about David Beckham . . .
@frank
So here’s the question: does that lorry have the right to ignore stop lights and stop signs? What if he did and got pulled over? “But officer” said the driver, “I was motorpacing M. Merckx on a training run.” “You were?” replied M. Gendarme, “Well, carry on then. So sorry to interrupt work in the national interest.”
@wiscot
You going to argue with a thing that size?
Snowed yesterday? Not my problem.
Had myself a nice Rule #9 ride this past weekend. Moving to western WA has made me realize that if I don’t go out when it’s pissing rain, I’m just not going to ride. Not as muddy as the Belgian shot above (perish the thought) but still took a while to get the grime out. @Frank will be glad to know I’ve seen the error of my ways vis a vis toe covers, and have some booties on order.
I like the crack about spots at the front. Going to use that next time someone complains.
@hudson
Hill repeats. Go.
I truly find myself torn on this issue. Looking good is a key part of riding well, no doubt, whether on or off-road. Prior to moving to Seattle fenders never made it onto my bike. Ever. But there are days here in the northwest where it is so dang wet that keeping ones feet and butt region dry(er) is a big plus to get out and ride a decent distance. In fact, the first group ride I attended here in January 1989 I was relegated to the back of the group for not having fenders, despite my willingness to drag everyone around in the wind.
Factoring in N+1, one of my rides is a sad sack Raleigh POS rain bike that is fenderized. It is the antithesis of my preferred ride; Ugly vs sexy, heavy vs light, creaky vs silent. It is punishment to ride, perhaps even to those nearby. Lucky for me, without my hearing aids I cannot hear the racket, and in the dark of winter few are around to spot me riding the Pig.
Still, I always feel so dirty after riding the fender bike. But it’s good to suffer.
I use a detachable rear fender for a singular reason: I can’t afford to replace kit very often. The little splashes on the front are usually easily washed out, but that heavy stuff from the rooster tail out of the low back never comes out entirely.
I’ve managed to set aside enough cash to place a sizeable order when our 2016 club kit becomes available in a few weeks, after which I should be able to have a dedicated #9 set. But for the time being, I’ll look less fantastic now to Look Fantastic later.
@freddy
Is that a pair of dress socks over the tights and under the shoe covers? Looks properly muddy; I see he just finished his post-ride cigarette and dropped it on the street.
@PeakInTwoYears
Brilliant!
I thought you’d appreciate the non-commutative property of Fournel’s Theorem.
I’ll be honest. I didn’t know Fournel’s Theorem had anything specifically to do with commuting.
Am i the only one here who think that fenders can look good on the right bike? Each his own i guess, i can’t stand the look of aheadset stem myself…the reason won’t buy a jaegher even tough its steel, good looking, and belgian.
Plus its easy to not care about road grime when you have a car as a backup. When i have to go to work in heavy rain, which is not rare in Belgium, i take my randonneur.
@marcus.birke
It does, doesn’t it! That’s what happens when you have car support and you’re just taking bidons through the window and getting on with crushing fools on the muddy pavé!
This isn’t a website for cyclists, it’s a website for two wheeled fetishists.
No mudguards in winter? In a bunch? Fuck everyone else just as long as you look good? That’s cuntish behaviour of the highest order.
*prepares for incoming*
@brett
You had all those cobble’s experts around you and yet nobody told you the rear tire is backwards?
Love the bike, hate the lack of drop, probably @frank took it. Horizontal stem in line with the top tube would be tits Bretto as long as you could handle the drop. Pardon my honesty.
Did you suffer back injury recently? I’d think after all these years on a bike you should be comfortable with more drop?
@KogaLover
It didn’t at the start of that ride!
@Teocalli
Yep. In some parts of the world they still do.
I failed to mention that there is a small chicken farm that we often ride past. Last season, they must have had a mishap with their chicken shite spreader as they drove on the road to their next field. Before we realized it, we were 50 meters into it with better than 300 to go. I can still hear the sound of the retching and gagging of a few riders as we rode in the opposing lane past that Hell. It literally made my eyes water. Lucky, we were near the end of the ride because there was no way I was using my bidons with that spray all over them.