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Fendangelism

A fenderless creature emerges from the bog of the Forest of Arenberg.

Mudguards (fenders) and saddlebags are two subjects that are sure to get our collective ire up as Cyclists. When I wrote in one of my columns for Cyclist that saddlebags should never be used, my editor told me that he received a record number of emails threatening to cancel their subscription on the basis that my column was a “black eye” on an otherwise sterling publication. I don’t disagree with the premise; but the fact that it was this statement that brought it about brings to light how much people love their saddlebags. The Pros use them in training, so how dare I claim that we should not.

The fact is, we’re not trying to look like Pros; we are trying to Look Fantastic at All Times and just because the Pros do it doesn’t mean it looks good. In fact, the Pros often look as rubbish as the typical cyclotourist; they just go faster than us. But Fournel’s Theorem is not commutative; just because you’re fast doesn’t mean you look good.

And so, saddlebags are banned on the premise that they are ugly, no further discussion required. Mudguards, on the other hand, are banned for the fact that are ugly, noisy, and are an implied contravention of Rule #9. The Nine is about submitting to the deluge, about embracing the misery of training in the cold and wet; it is about dedication and discipline above the creature comforts found at home. Post-ride, the bicycle is carefully and lovingly cleaned and made ready for the next ride. Rider and machine bonded together through mutual commitment.

Mudguards protect the frame and bottom bracket from road grit, it is true enough. But I don’t care. They also deflect the grime cast up by the tires as they carve their solemn trough over the wet tarmac. Still don’t care. On group rides, Fendangelists preach to anyone who appears to the ride without mudguards about how rude they are, forcing the others to chew on their rooster tail while riding in the bunch. To this I suggest that if you’d like to avoid a rinsing with Belgian Toothpaste there is usually an open spot for you on the front of the bunch..

Half the satisfaction of a hard Rule #9 ride is your appearance upon your return home, further mystifying The Cyclists to the rest of the world. I lovingly admire my mud-spattered bicycle and take in my flemish tanlines as I remove my kit. To ride with noisy mudguards would not only be a violation of the Principle of Silence, but more importantly I would be depriving myself of this greatest of pleasures.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

TheAnvil says:

Feb 24 2016 at 10:31 am

Sunny day road ride: C40

Rainy day road ride: C40

Snowy day road ride: C40

Gravel dirt road crap ride: C40
Ron says:

Feb 24 2016 at 10:34 am

There are lots of lights out there, but I love talking lights so...

Rear: Planet Bike Turbo on the bike, Planet Bike mini on rear of helmet, with small basic Velcro strap. I like two levels for low-light winter riding.

Rear: I don't like mounting anything on some of my bikes. The Serfas Thunderbolt is GREAT for bikes that have odd tube shapes, those with many bikes, or those who don't like a light mount.

Front: A Serfas USB-5 for being seen. Bright, very light, easy on-off. If I need to actually see a bit...the Lezyne Hecto 300 is pretty amazing for a small-ish light. Built-in usb stick too. Enough to get you around in urban areas with street lights (I've also easily mounted this onto my helmet for long, dark commuting, paired with a light on the bars). For dark riding I've also got one of the big-boy Lezyne front lights. It's overkill for anything but darkness riding away from street lights.
TheAnvil says:

Feb 24 2016 at 10:44 am

@frank

@frank

@Gianni

@frank

@Oli

@frank

Hahaha, owned!

That was going to be my original cover photo to cut it off at the pass, but went for the bog monster instead. That lorry shot is so awesome.

We need to do an article on the thrill of jumping behind trucks for some moto-pacing.

Indeed we do!

breaking away highway scene from Louis Renna on Vimeo.

Jump behind a bread truck heading Downtown on Columbus Ave and enjoy an easy 80+ kmh. Just watch out for that short light at Lincoln Center.
Teocalli says:

Feb 24 2016 at 10:51 am

@frank

Blimey, @frank uses a doped front wheel.
chuckp says:

Feb 24 2016 at 11:03 am

@hudson

@chuckp

my commute in is dark year round, and my ride is mostly rural, I’ve had the bejesus scared out of me numerous times by deer i haven’t seen until the last second (who at this point have got to be doing it on purpose). I’ve yet to find a front light i’m happy with that doesn’t eat batteries like crazy. My rear is a Specialized Stix Sport Tail light, and it fulfills a tall order for such a tiny thing, the USB charger is a big plus. I’d like a nice bright wide headlight. open to suggestions.

Both the Ion 700R and Flare R are USB charged lights. Here are some reviews of the Ion 700R.

https://www.bikelightdatabase.com/bontrager/ion700/

https://www.bikelightdatabase.com/bontrager/ion700/

This YouTube vid will give you an idea of how bright the Ion 700R is, as well as the beam pattern. Go to 6:33 mark.
Waz says:

Feb 24 2016 at 11:46 am

[IMG]http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c332/wazgilbert/bikes/DSC_0942_zpsu7ldxvic.jpg[/IMG]

Commute or winter training - this bike cannot be added to enough to avoid the shite coming off the roads, the front mudguard is extended to protect the BB even more, and I wrapped some plastic around the rear wheel at the seat tube to protect it from the rear wheel and the mech.

USE Exposure Flash/Flare all the time and a Strada for seeing where I'm going when it is properly dark.

[IMG]http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c332/wazgilbert/bikes/FC09348F-E37D-4153-864C-C7127DD72E4F_zpsdmogzdcf.jpg[/IMG]

those little lights are surprisingly good, especially on the pulse style flash setting.

@hudson

Not having lights is like not wearing a helmet in my opinion, at least a rear light, something small but with the power of the Eye of Sauron.
Waz says:

Feb 24 2016 at 12:23 pm

@Waz

[IMG]http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c332/wazgilbert/bikes/DSC_0942_zpsu7ldxvic.jpg[/IMG]

Commute or winter training – this bike cannot be added to enough to avoid the shite coming off the roads, the front mudguard is extended to protect the BB even more, and I wrapped some plastic around the rear wheel at the seat tube to protect it from the rear wheel and the mech.

USE Exposure Flash/Flare all the time and a Strada for seeing where I’m going when it is properly dark.

[IMG]http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c332/wazgilbert/bikes/FC09348F-E37D-4153-864C-C7127DD72E4F_zpsdmogzdcf.jpg[/IMG

those little lights are surprisingly good, especially on the pulse style flash setting.

@hudson

Not having lights is like not wearing a helmet in my opinion, at least a rear light, something small but with the power of the Eye of Sauron.

newfangled comments options. tsk.
Jonathan says:

Feb 24 2016 at 1:00 pm

Jeez, this is only my second post here, but I'm already going to get into trouble. I had a lovely purpose built Rando style bike with fenders and dynamo lights and all. It was absolutely amazing in the wet. I've done my share of hardcore rides, but after realizing fenders exist, it seems pointless to suffer needlessly. That and properly installed fenders are not at all noisy. Careful shopping results in fenders that aren't absolutely hideous, but I'm not going to pretend they're optimal in the looks department.

I guess it depends on the ride, as well. For truly nasty rides that involve a little gravel and dirt, fenders can actually become a hazard. But for winter training rides on damp roads? That just means I get colder faster and do less miles. Not interested.

But a huge no to the saddle bag. Utterly useless and ruins the lines of a bike. Jerseys have pockets for a reason. If you can't put your flat kit in a jersey pocket with room to spare, you're carrying too much crap.
frank says:

Feb 24 2016 at 1:21 pm

@chuckp

That's a bontrager product.

@Waz

We scienced the fuck outta this place, son.
frank says:

Feb 24 2016 at 1:23 pm

@Jonathan

Jeez, this is only my second post here, but I’m already going to get into trouble. I had a lovely purpose built Rando style bike with fenders and dynamo lights and all. It was absolutely amazing in the wet. I’ve done my share of hardcore rides, but after realizing fenders exist, it seems pointless to suffer needlessly. That and properly installed fenders are not at all noisy. Careful shopping results in fenders that aren’t absolutely hideous, but I’m not going to pretend they’re optimal in the looks department.

I found that despite how carefully they are installed on a racing bike, the clearance is so low that if they don't make noise themselves, then they at least will make noise when road grit gets in there.

I guess it depends on the ride, as well. For truly nasty rides that involve a little gravel and dirt, fenders can actually become a hazard. But for winter training rides on damp roads? That just means I get colder faster and do less miles. Not interested.

Or you can get colder faster and do the same distance because of Rule #5.

But a huge no to the saddle bag. Utterly useless and ruins the lines of a bike. Jerseys have pockets for a reason. If you can’t put your flat kit in a jersey pocket with room to spare, you’re carrying too much crap.

Finally some sense!