Lock, Sock, and Two Smoking Barrels

It used to be that you could choose any color shoes you wanted, so long as they were black and any color socks, so long as they were white. Easy times, those. Then Gianni gave me his White Ladies and all of a sudden my life was complicated.

First of all, the shoes were so beautifully white in their gleaming patent leather that only the whitest of white socks looked white enough. Wear them twice and into the “rain sock” pile they went. The real “rain socks” were even worse, because they were actually dingy and I simply couldn’t deal with the contrast. So then I started wearing black socks in bad weather. Fortunately, white shoes with black socks looks much better than you’d think, although it looks worse than white on white or black on white.

So then I was changing sock color depending on the weather.

The great thing about a pair of White Ladies with white socks is it turns the foot/ankle into a single visual unit, almost like a perpetual pair of overshoes, and everyone knows overshoes always look rad. Very good for motivation when the V-Bank is running a little low on funds.

Then I got my custom orange Bonts, and things really became a mess. Somehow, the extra orange means I have to match my socks to my jersey, otherwise it all looks out of balance; white socks with the Witte jersey, and black socks with the Zwarte jersey. Which is practical because I always wear black in the rain.

But what about that perpetual overshoe look for which I’ve declared my undying love? Orange socks and orange shoes, is it too much? Apparently the answer to that question depends on my mood and how tan my guns are, because I really dug it yesterday but some days I can’t take it because it might be a tad too fluoro. Except I’m kind of liking fluoro again.

So now I’m matching my socks to my jersey unless I match them to my shoes. To make matters worse, my socks are a bit long, I’m afraid. But with my tan line in full swing, I’m committed to the length for the remainder of the season at least. At which point I’ll probably like the sock length.

Somebody call a doctor.

 

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @Cyclechick

    @frank Good man. Thanks for toeing the line, as always. Complicated times indeed. My current (toe?) jam is a pair of near-schoolgirl length lovelies festooned with roses and flamenco dancers. May God have mercy on my soul.

    So long as you use them during CX Season, you can just blame the PNW CX Scene.

  • @Haldy

    Ahh..the varied choices of sock length…at this time of year..I pull the old school trackie card and go with the ultra low socks…

    You look so magnificent otherwise.

  • @frank

    @Haldy

    Ahh..the varied choices of sock length…at this time of year..I pull the old school trackie card and go with the ultra low socks…

    You look so magnificent otherwise.

    Why thank you my good sir...I have been waiting for someone to notice the inverted order of sock length...Dave on the bottom of the track has the tallest socks, Ted has the mid( I'd call it classic) length, while as stated I am sporting the trackie ultra short style. Mind you..I don't always, but on the hot days I opt for the shortest length.

  • It has been an act of wilful disobedience but when Mr Claus delivered anklet length "running" socks from a yoga outfitter I have not been able to proffer an excuse to the VMH as to why they've not be worn.
    She hasn't accepted that what may be suitable for some is not The Way.

    I do admire @frank for the restraint in not going for a title of "Lock, Sock and Two Smoking Guns", though perhaps this was a recovery ride photo.

    A tangent from "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" takes us to Vinnie Jones, from there to his role in Snatch and his line "Avi, pull your socks up!" 

    I can now see a new phrase for the lexicon. When you and a team mate are about to accelerate away from the pack, a quick "pull your socks up" warning indicates that he should get his head down, hands in the drops and all hell is about to break loose.

    A variation would be to tell your opponent to pull their socks up, at which point he/she pauses & looks down at their well matched sock/shoe combo (hopefully they will have spent as much time agonising over the combination as frank and would be shocked to think they're not at the right height), at which point you are off down the road.

  • @Owen

    @DeKerr

    Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

    My wife tells people that I look like I’m wearing an old timey bathing suit when I get out of the shower. She also doesn’t think that’s sexy, but I can’t win ’em all.

    I may have told this story before but a couple of years ago my wife and family had come out to visit me in Abu Dhabi, and of course here I have pretty strong year-round tan lines. I think at this point they were particularly well developed.

    Bear in mind I only get conjugal visits every 4-6 weeks so you have to make the most of every opportunity.

    I was in the walk-in shower of my en suite bathroom when I noticed my wife in the bedroom looking in at me.

    A few seconds later I glanced back and she was still looking quite intently. What else could she be doing but admiring my lean physique and toned muscles?

    Then she started to walk towards the bathroom. "Hello !" I thought, this could be interesting. "She can't even wait."

    At which point she delivered the outcome of what had clearly been a very different train of thought to the one I had imagined. "Your tan lines look utterly ridiculous."

    Instant deflation, both mental and physical.

  • @ChrisO

    @Owen

    @DeKerr

    Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

    My wife tells people that I look like I’m wearing an old timey bathing suit when I get out of the shower. She also doesn’t think that’s sexy, but I can’t win ’em all.

    I may have told this story before but a couple of years ago my wife and family had come out to visit me in Abu Dhabi, and of course here I have pretty strong year-round tan lines. I think at this point they were particularly well developed.

    Bear in mind I only get conjugal visits every 4-6 weeks so you have to make the most of every opportunity.

    I was in the walk-in shower of my en suite bathroom when I noticed my wife in the bedroom looking in at me.

    A few seconds later I glanced back and she was still looking quite intently. What else could she be doing but admiring my lean physique and toned muscles?

    Then she started to walk towards the bathroom. “Hello !” I thought, this could be interesting. “She can’t even wait.”

    At which point she delivered the outcome of what had clearly been a very different train of thought to the one I had imagined. “Your tan lines look utterly ridiculous.”

    Instant deflation, both mental and physical.

    Mine came out of the shower after Saturday's ride with a look of horror on her face.

    "Look at my tan-lines!"

    "Yeah, well, we can get knee-covers or better sunblock if you're concerned about that..."

    "No, for heaven's sake, LOOK at them! They're double now!"

    Turns out what worried her was that those wide grippers on her fancy new bibs are not exactly light-blocking, which resulted in her razor-sharp lines becoming two separate lines.

  • @tessar

    Some of this is getting indistinguishable from every day socks.  Not sure whether that is good or bad.  I'm tending towards bad.

  • @Teocalli

    @tessar

    Some of this is getting indistinguishable from every day socks.  Not sure whether that is good or bad.  I’m tending towards bad.

    My everyday socks are plain black. In my defence, though, the left half of the shipment isn't mine. Plain kit needs some contrast, and socks are a great way to achieve that. Same with team kit (until we get team-issue socks, that is).

  • @tessar

    @Teocalli

    @tessar

    Some of this is getting indistinguishable from every day socks.  Not sure whether that is good or bad.  I’m tending towards bad.

    My everyday socks are plain black. In my defence, though, the left half of the shipment isn’t mine. Plain kit needs some contrast, and socks are a great way to achieve that. Same with team kit (until we get team-issue socks, that is).

    In the winter cycling socks = everyday socks. Defeet's merino socks are awesome.

    Too awesome in fact. Mrs Chris has taken to to borrowing them on cold nights. At least they're warm when I go to work the next morning.

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