Categories: EtiquetteKitLa Vie VelominatusLook ProTradition

Lock, Sock, and Two Smoking Barrels

Classic witte socks

It used to be that you could choose any color shoes you wanted, so long as they were black and any color socks, so long as they were white. Easy times, those. Then Gianni gave me his White Ladies and all of a sudden my life was complicated.

First of all, the shoes were so beautifully white in their gleaming patent leather that only the whitest of white socks looked white enough. Wear them twice and into the “rain sock” pile they went. The real “rain socks” were even worse, because they were actually dingy and I simply couldn’t deal with the contrast. So then I started wearing black socks in bad weather. Fortunately, white shoes with black socks looks much better than you’d think, although it looks worse than white on white or black on white.

So then I was changing sock color depending on the weather.

The great thing about a pair of White Ladies with white socks is it turns the foot/ankle into a single visual unit, almost like a perpetual pair of overshoes, and everyone knows overshoes always look rad. Very good for motivation when the V-Bank is running a little low on funds.

Then I got my custom orange Bonts, and things really became a mess. Somehow, the extra orange means I have to match my socks to my jersey, otherwise it all looks out of balance; white socks with the Witte jersey, and black socks with the Zwarte jersey. Which is practical because I always wear black in the rain.

But what about that perpetual overshoe look for which I’ve declared my undying love? Orange socks and orange shoes, is it too much? Apparently the answer to that question depends on my mood and how tan my guns are, because I really dug it yesterday but some days I can’t take it because it might be a tad too fluoro. Except I’m kind of liking fluoro again.

So now I’m matching my socks to my jersey unless I match them to my shoes. To make matters worse, my socks are a bit long, I’m afraid. But with my tan line in full swing, I’m committed to the length for the remainder of the season at least. At which point I’ll probably like the sock length.

Somebody call a doctor.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Teocalli says:

Jul 13 2015 at 12:40 pm

@Ron

Ahem, for fans of orange…

Frank will be hyperventilating
DeKerr says:

Jul 13 2015 at 12:51 pm

Tan lines - In the shower after yesterday's ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife - she thinks I'm a dork.
ped says:

Jul 13 2015 at 1:24 pm

@Teocalli @Ron @VeloJello

Even the crankarm is tumescent!
Ccos says:

Jul 13 2015 at 5:27 pm

@DeKerr

Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

In the winter months, my VMH walked in on me mid-undress after taking off the bibs and jersey, prior to removing my leg warmers. Quite the sight I'm sure. I suspect stronger language was said inside her head (based upon the expression on her face).
Owen says:

Jul 13 2015 at 5:28 pm

@DeKerr

Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

My wife tells people that I look like I'm wearing an old timey bathing suit when I get out of the shower. She also doesn't think that's sexy, but I can't win 'em all.
frank says:

Jul 13 2015 at 6:59 pm

@Owen

@DeKerr

Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

My wife tells people that I look like I’m wearing an old timey bathing suit when I get out of the shower. She also doesn’t think that’s sexy, but I can’t win ’em all.

Mine is creeped out by men with hairy legs and thinks the sexiest look is a scrawny holocaust-survivor's upper body.

I hit the jackpot, yo.

Except she has serious - SERIOUS - questions about the length of my socks. As in, relationship-challenging questions.
frank says:

Jul 13 2015 at 7:00 pm

@Ccos

@DeKerr

Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

In the winter months, my VMH walked in on me mid-undress after taking off the bibs and jersey, prior to removing my leg warmers. Quite the sight I’m sure. I suspect stronger language was said inside her head (based upon the expression on her face).

Funny, I always roll up my shorts and take off the leg warmers first. Just to avoid that awkwardness. Same thing with the arm warmers.

That's how I dress, too.
Cyclechick says:

Jul 13 2015 at 7:35 pm

@frank Good man. Thanks for toeing the line, as always. Complicated times indeed. My current (toe?) jam is a pair of near-schoolgirl length lovelies festooned with roses and flamenco dancers. May God have mercy on my soul.
Owen says:

Jul 13 2015 at 7:36 pm

@frank

@Owen

@DeKerr

Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

My wife tells people that I look like I’m wearing an old timey bathing suit when I get out of the shower. She also doesn’t think that’s sexy, but I can’t win ’em all.

Mine is creeped out by men with hairy legs and thinks the sexiest look is a scrawny holocaust-survivor’s upper body.

I hit the jackpot, yo.

Except she has serious – SERIOUS – questions about the length of my socks. As in, relationship-challenging questions.

She wears low cut socks. Maybe I should start asking questions too, but she has excellent taste in kit otherwise.
Owen says:

Jul 13 2015 at 7:38 pm

@frank

@Ccos

@DeKerr

Tan lines – In the shower after yesterday’s ride I noticed the longer sleeve of the new jersey has resulted in a two-tone tan on the upper arm. Excitedly showed it off to the wife – she thinks I’m a dork.

In the winter months, my VMH walked in on me mid-undress after taking off the bibs and jersey, prior to removing my leg warmers. Quite the sight I’m sure. I suspect stronger language was said inside her head (based upon the expression on her face).

Funny, I always roll up my shorts and take off the leg warmers first. Just to avoid that awkwardness. Same thing with the arm warmers.

That’s how I dress, too.

Well, yeah, otherwise she might think you're trying on her unmentionables. And that leads down roads you might not wish to go down. Maybe you would, I don't know you and wouldn't judge even if I did.