Look Pro: The V Tenets of the Casually Deliberate

Chiapucci, Big Mig, some dude, Riis, and Bugno: class is in session.

A Velominatus gives the impression of having been born on the bike; the connection between rider and machine is so deeply entrenched that one can hardly draw the line where one ends and the other begins. There is an air of relaxed precision that is part innate and part learned through countless hours devoted to the craft of riding a bicycle batshit fast.

A Pedalwan will be quick to seek emulation of this characteristic, and in the spirit of Rule #3, it is our duty to impart upon you the five tenets of the Casually Deliberate.

First, it is crucial that under no circumstances do you permit yourself to smile. If you are about to win the Tour de France for the first time, it is acceptable to momentarily smirk but expect to be met with raised eyebrows by your peers should you allow this to occur. Also don’t scowl because no one likes a crabby pants.
Casual people are cool people, and cool people wear shades. If it worked for Axl Rose, it can work for you. Also, sunglasses are handy for covering up any redness in your eyes that you got from crying through the end of Playing for Keeps.
Leaning on extended limbs is a guaranteed way to impart an air of relaxation, a crucial element to being Casually Deliberate. This effect is heightened the faster you are going. When passing a slower rider, ensure you accelerate to a speed at least 10% faster and pass them while riding on the tops or hoods with elbows locked. They will have no choice but to be super impressed by the sound of your Awesome.
Being Casually Deliberate means this isn’t your first rodeo. Whether laying it down in a corner, flatting out of the lead group, or crossing the line with no one else in the photo, act like you’ve been there before.
If you have crashed and are bleeding, this is the perfect time to pretend like you hardly noticed. Especially if there are cute members of the opposite sex around. Save poking at your wound and whimpering for the privacy of a remote bathroom devoid of any surveillance equipment.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Mike_P says:

Nov 5 2013 at 2:29 pm

@frank

Bartoli was another who just oozed class and style. He inspired me to start experimenting with low bars! I owe him finding comfort on the bike!

So how did you manage to counteract the resultant pain from the increased neck flexion? I'm genuinely intrigued cos lower bars is definitely helping my back but fucking with my neck. Sorry if you've discussed it ad nauseum previously. Mail me if you'd rather.
PeakInTwoYears says:

Nov 5 2013 at 2:35 pm

@frank

So I don't have to buy you a pint, and I don't have to watch that video. Awesome.

(Oh, that was a reference to "Big Brown Eyes" on Wreck Your Life, the second album from Old 97's, back in '95 when they were good. The actual line went "You made a big impression for a girl of your size," which is how I think of my VMH.)
Gianni says:

Nov 5 2013 at 5:25 pm

Also, sunglasses are handy for covering up any redness in your eyes that you got from crying through the end of Playing for Keeps.

Has this seen the light of day? That's the sort of movie I might get weepy at towards the end of one of those hellish tourist class, 15 hour flights where no sleep happens and brain goes bad.

@Pedale.Forchetta Quintana looks badass in that photo. He is born for slopes like that. It's great to see a Colombian at the front in Lombardia.

And yes. Bugno is still The Man.
scaler911 says:

Nov 5 2013 at 5:30 pm

@Gianni

Also, sunglasses are handy for covering up any redness in your eyes that you got from crying through the end of Playing for Keeps.

Has this seen the light of day? That's the sort of movie I might get weepy at towards the end of one of those hellish tourist class, 15 hour flights where no sleep happens and brain goes bad.

@Pedale.Forchetta Quintana looks badass in that photo. He is born for slopes like that. It's great to see a Colombian at the front in Lombardia.

And yes. Bugno is still The Man.

What, you never heard of Ambien?
DerHoggz says:

Nov 5 2013 at 5:34 pm

@scaler911
PeakInTwoYears says:

Nov 5 2013 at 5:53 pm

@DerHoggz Marine mammals live in the moment. (They told me.) So that makes sense.
Barracuda says:

Nov 5 2013 at 6:00 pm

@Lukas

Is it Casually Deliberate when one's natural poker face is a hint of a smile? Especially when one is on the way to spitting all the young fellas out the back? Note only one of these riders is anywhere close to smiling. It is the old dude. I must admit as a fellow Oregonian and old guy, I have a soft spot for Horner.

You'd be no good in the walled community of Morning Wood then!
frank says:

Nov 5 2013 at 6:22 pm

@ped

"Some dude" appears to have Morning Wood in the lead photo

Nah, that's just his syringe. Its nineteen-ninety-fucking-one, for Merckx sake.

@Gianni

Also, sunglasses are handy for covering up any redness in your eyes that you got from crying through the end of Playing for Keeps.

Has this seen the light of day? That's the sort of movie I might get weepy at towards the end of one of those hellish tourist class, 15 hour flights where no sleep happens and brain goes bad.

Actually, I googled "romantic comedy" and this result include Gerald Butler, so it was the obvious choice.

And yes. Bugno is still The Man.

Didn't you and @Rob go by Gianni (you) and Bugno (Rob)?

Your stroke, though magnificent, is nowhere near as magnificent as his.
Marcus says:

Nov 5 2013 at 7:00 pm

@PeakInTwoYears

@DerHoggz Marine mammals live in the moment. (They told me.) So that makes sense.

They say that now - and a minute later the two-faced fuckers say something completely different.
EricW says:

Nov 5 2013 at 7:19 pm

@Marcus

@PeakInTwoYears

@DerHoggz Marine mammals live in the moment. (They told me.) So that makes sense.

They say that now - and a minute later the two-faced fuckers say something completely different.

Whoa, I leave for dinner and things just got really weird.