Categories: EtiquetteMusings from the V-BunkerRiding UglyTradition

Musings from the Darkness

The machine that cuts a path through the darkness.

Reality is always an unpleasant surprise; no one wants to see ourselves the way others see us, and that’s for good reason, too: depression would be much more widespread problem if each of us realized what a pain in the ass we are. Speaking of unpleasant realities, after recently reviewing videos of myself speaking, I have deduced that I have the face for radio, the hand gesticulations for both Mime and Cheerleading (neither for which I have an ambition), and the voice for print. That leaves me with the Internet.

A long commute to work in darkness is a surreal experience. The early hour leaves the road vacant, and the rider is confined to the small cone of light beyond which exists only blackness. The mind settles into the vampire state of wandering a being alert all at once. Thoughts of the day’s work will lay somewhere on the periphery; not front of mind, yet inexorably nearer with every stroke of the pedals. The rain and cold amplify the effect.

Strange thoughts are thought in this state, not unlike those you might have just as you catch yourself falling asleep. The first paragraph of this article is a fine example of such a thought. For this, I ask your forgiveness.

The commute presents its own challenge, new obstacles to overcome. The wet winter commute sandwiches the workday like two soggy slices of bread. One finds very quickly that it is not the cold, the dark or the wet that is unpleasant; it is the sodden kit hanging in a locker all day not getting fresher that is unpleasant.

This morning looked dry from the bedroom window, a terrible place from which to judge the weather. Rain was in the forecast (this is Seattle and January, after all), so I slipped into my Gabba jersey as easily as James Bond slips into a dinner jacket. I stepped outside and noted that it would be nice if the weather stayed dry for the ride in so the kit might be more pleasant when dressing for the evening’s ride home.

I should know better than to think such thoughts; the rain was summoned immediately by the Nine Gods to remind me that the Glory of Rule #9 is not chosen at the rider’s convenience or whim. Fool.

Riding with a backpack is a nuisance. As Velominati, we have refined our position and learned to control the bike through micro-movements and immeasurable shifts of body weight. The gear-loaded backpack is a sledgehammer to our china cup of balance. Our position feels off, the bike handles differently, and we are heavier by two kilos at least. This, along with every other reason you can think of why backpacks suck, is more than enough to encourage one to avoid the climbs, especially the steep ones.

But there is a beauty behind the nuisance: climbing with a heavy load is like training in a fat suit. Seek out the hardest climbs and the next time you ride without a pack, you will feel as though you were given wings. Instant morale.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

markb says:

Jan 29 2015 at 1:06 am

@ChrisO

It's fine - it has bikearbonate of soda.
RobSandy says:

Jan 29 2015 at 1:26 am

@frank

@Ron

Are you wearing those socks as oversocks or are you wearing them like regular socks, that is, on your foot, inside your shoes?

Thank you for clarifying what you mean by how socks should normally be worn.

Yes, I don't wear my socks outside my shoes.
James says:

Jan 29 2015 at 6:01 am

Frank, if you are prepared to remove the James Bond line from what is otherwise excellent musing we can all move on and never speak of it again.
Ron says:

Jan 29 2015 at 6:35 am

I guess I should have just stopped after socks, put the period there, and ended my sentence. Thankfully I'm okay with occasionally looking like an idiot, especially amongst friends!

At least I have a strongly early contender for "Stupidest thing you've said or written in 2015."
VeloVita says:

Jan 29 2015 at 8:12 am

@Ron

I guess I should have just stopped after socks, put the period there, and ended my sentence. Thankfully I'm okay with occasionally looking like an idiot, especially amongst friends!

At least I have a strongly early contender for "Stupidest thing you've said or written in 2015."

No worries Ron, I for one appreciate the clarification as I was envisioning them on his hands like puppets...
RobSandy says:

Jan 29 2015 at 8:23 am

@Ron

Are you wearing those socks as oversocks or are you wearing them like regular socks, that is, on your foot, inside your shoes, or on the outside like shoe covers?

Ron, when I first read your post, in my head, I added the subscript above. Which I think is what you were getting at.

And I didn't notice it was an odd thing to say until Frank pointed it out, probably because I've been a complete pussy about my feet this winter and have been wearing 3 pairs of normal socks, 1 pair of waterproof socks and a pair of neoprene shoe covers on the outside. Feet still remain cold.

Rule #5.

I do occasionally do the sock puppet act but that's my own business, conducted in private. Let's move on.
Teocalli says:

Jan 30 2015 at 9:08 am

@RobSandy

I do occasionally do the sock puppet act but that's my own business, conducted in private. Let's move on.

Which one are you?
Mikael Liddy says:

Feb 1 2015 at 9:09 pm

@Barracuda

Listen to all you A holes spruking about office showers and lockers. I would give my COTHO left one to work at my office with a shower facility and lockers.

Any tricks of the trade for us office workers without said luxuries but still trying to find ways to commute by bike.

Come to the big smoke.

Secure bike cages (with back up CCTV), dedicated locker within the shower/change rooms & enough room in the coat cupboard on my floor to stash a few suits & shirts to last a couple of weeks.

All of the above is a 5k ride away with a musette containing the day's food & underwear requirements (I imagine the dry cleaner may baulk at laundering them), stash that on the bike hook a couple of hours before I'm due at the desk & the Adelaide Hills are my playground.

Mornings have become scarily productive since that pattern evolved.
tessar says:

Feb 2 2015 at 12:40 am

@DCR

@tessar

@DCR

Living in the high desert is a very different life. It's the 42*C rides home where you feel that every breath sears the sand to your throat and the already thin air of 1600m above sea level seems to suffocate you even more so.

But on the bright side! (and I am not referring to the 278 days of sunshine in a year) Rust is never an issue.

...but tyres drying out is, and tubes melting into the clincher to make a defacto tubular. Fine sand is far worse than rust, too. It gets everywhere, there's no running away from it.

If the mileage matches the dedication the tires should be to the cotton before dry rot takes hold. And yes the sand is a problem. Dry lube and more attention to the steed fixes that right up though

Depends. The more bikes and wheelsets one owns, the tougher it is to wear them out. I find that the better training tyres - Schwalbe Duranos and Conti 4-Seasons - easily last upwards of 10k on the smooth roads I've been blessed with. Even racing tyres get respectable mileage.

Time and energy to clean the chain is inversely proportional to the weather requirements and the time spent riding. It's always sparkling clean in spring and fall yet filthy in the summer dust-storms and winter flood season. Nothing better than polishing your bike apres-ride with a beer in the garden on a nice afternoon, nothing worse than staying in the baking/freezing shed after a Rule 9 ride to clean the grit off the bike.
Oli says:

Feb 2 2015 at 2:58 am

@tessar

@DCR

@tessar

@DCR

Living in the high desert is a very different life. It's the 42*C rides home where you feel that every breath sears the sand to your throat and the already thin air of 1600m above sea level seems to suffocate you even more so.

But on the bright side! (and I am not referring to the 278 days of sunshine in a year) Rust is never an issue.

...but tyres drying out is, and tubes melting into the clincher to make a defacto tubular. Fine sand is far worse than rust, too. It gets everywhere, there's no running away from it.

If the mileage matches the dedication the tires should be to the cotton before dry rot takes hold. And yes the sand is a problem. Dry lube and more attention to the steed fixes that right up though

Depends. The more bikes and wheelsets one owns, the tougher it is to wear them out. I find that the better training tyres - Schwalbe Duranos and Conti 4-Seasons - easily last upwards of 10k on the smooth roads I've been blessed with. Even racing tyres get respectable mileage.

Time and energy to clean the chain is inversely proportional to the weather requirements and the time spent riding. It's always sparkling clean in spring and fall yet filthy in the summer dust-storms and winter flood season. Nothing better than polishing your bike apres-ride with a beer in the garden on a nice afternoon, nothing worse than staying in the baking/freezing shed after a Rule #9 ride to clean the grit off the bike.

That's the most important time to do it though - just apply Rule 5 to your maintenance duties as well as your hardman rides.