You don’t Look this Fantastic by being sensible all the time.
I’m a naturally loud and weird person who expresses excitement through volume. Also, alcohol is supposed to be a depressant, but it doesn’t appear to work for me; all it does is make me happier (and louder) – until I have a little too much at which point I get weirder (a too-happy, too-loud kind of weird). But being a happy person also means you must be a little bit stupid; if you’re smart and paying attention you should be a bit pissed off at something.
Happiness is easier to find if you don’t sweat the nuances of your convictions, something most religious people have already discovered. As soon as you start peeling back the onion on your principles, you’re just going to find things that don’t line up; things that don’t line up invariably lead to questions, questions lead to thinking and suddenly what started off as a simple belief is starting to look an awful lot like work. From this perspective, atheists have it easy; there are no layers when the answer to every question is, “Life’s not fair, deal with it.”
On the other hand, its a lot of fun trying to find balance within contradictions, which is true for my chosen religion, Rule Holism. Some of The Rules build on each other, while others appear to be in conflict. But The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.
These struggles are characterized by those things we know are right and those things we want to be true, something dubbed Of Course, but Maybe by Louis C.K. Here are a handful of examples that I regularly flirt with.
It is very important to watch our diet over the holiday season. Of course. Weight is much easier gained than lost, an effect amplified with age. Of course, we should use restraint and not eat and drink too much over Christmas, especially as we enter the winter months and our inclination is to put on weight like a hibernating bear. Of course. But maybe gaining weight just before we start preparing in earnest for next year is a great way to gain fitness, using gravity assisted resistance training to build strength. Of course, putting enough weight on in December to cause adult-onset diabetes is a stupidly dangerous idea. Of course. But maybe its the only way to really get strong for next year.
Whenever we go out riding, we should bring plenty of food and water to make sure we don’t get dehydrated or suffer la fringale. Of course. But maybe, becoming severely dehydrated effectively raises your hematocrit and being malnourished is a great way to lose weight – both of which would make us better climbers. Of course its dangerous and counter-productive to lose weight this way and we should really improve our climbing by training and dieting properly. But maybe not eating or drinking on one ride is easier than changing dietary habits and eating sensibly.
Cycling is a lifelong undertaking, the practice of which is extended immeasurably by retaining the function of your knees. It therefore follows that to ride a compact is to spare your knees and will extend your ability to ride into old age. Of course – of course; it is reasonable to try and save the knees. But maybe boasting about scaling the neighborhood leg breaker in the 53×17 will intimidate your foes into submission and forever cast you into local legend as The Big Ring Badass. Risking your knees for bragging rights would be foolhardy. But maybe entering the local folklore is worth it.
Whenever we are riding in dark or otherwise dangerous conditions, we should wear high-visibility clothing and employ the use of flashers and lights to make us stand out more to surrounding traffic. Of course; it would be foolish to risk our lives for the sake of fashion. But maybe all that hi-vis clothing just makes you more of a target. Maybe wearing something yellow awakens an ancient impulse in drivers to crowd anything offensively ugly. Of course, we should make ourselves as visible as possible, but maybe getting hit wearing a YJA is just a Traffic Fashion Nudge.
We should always ride wearing a helmet. Of course. Riding without a helmet is foolish and flies in the face of reason. But maybe riding without a helmet, with the wind in your hair (assuming you have hair) or a cycling cap rakishly perched atop your head as you power up a brutal climb is worth the risk of a brain injury. Of course that would be reckless, but maybe we’re not really using our brains anyway.
It goes without saying that with the exception of the Helmet bullet, the Maybe invariably wins out.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
Of course Big Mig could have pulled that cap down a bit so the bill may have shaded his eyes slightly. But maybe it wouldn't have looked completely awesome, perched high atop his head. He is pulling a Saronni right there.
I can't believe that thing can stay put atop his dome chasing LeMan
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
Good call. That bidon is an imposter! I've NEVER seen a picture of a Coca Cola bottle like that being used by a pro in the Tour. They always use the smaller bottles because, of course, they just stick their hand up for a fresh one instead of wondering where the hell the next gas station is to refill their bottles. If someone pays over $100 for that, I pity the fool.
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
GART and "Traffic Fashion Nudge." Two instant classics to be added to the Lexicon.
Loves me this article, and all y'all in your own little ways. You're the friends you never knew you were.
See, it's a lonely existence, this insular world of Beers. Never quite feeling like you fit, or that others 'get' what you write. That you shed riders while the true hardmen still disappear around the corner. Riding solo in the tree lined lanes with only a hyperactive devil on your shoulder for company. Attempts at dry humour, tinfoil hat theorising, oversharing of unresearched heresay, laying down a big effort on the keys only to be summarily ignored. Is it because the post, and by inference Beers as an internet construct, sucked? Or, my preference, it is because each post is as close to literary and philosophical perfection, no reply could parallel.
What I do know, is that having a phrase in the lexicon, and to have it used in my very own giddy grown man as teenager type stars in your eyes moment, has validated all of what I have attempted, achieved, and failed at here. Goals my friends, goals.
This, I can show my children, and my children's children.
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
Welcome! They're all kinda important but the goal is to adhere, or to aspire to adhere, to as many as possible. Never give up, just find your comfort level.
For example: I live in SE Wisconsin. Weather has been awful lately but Saturday looks like low 30s before snow comes in. A Rule #5 and #9 ride is on the cards.
On the other hand, I violate #24 and count rides in miles, not kilometers,. #28 is nonsense - socks should always be white. #31 I use an EPMS because I have a deep-seated aversion to overloading jersey pockets stemming from childhood trauma of seeing wool and acrylic jerseys streched past the saddle because of too much shit in the rear pockets. I use the smallest possible EPMS I can cram my stuff into. Oh, and Rule #90 - try getting up some of the nasty wee hills ariound here in the big ring. Good luck with that.
Other than that, I think I'm pretty compliant and ride with a clear conscience!
wiscot, apropos of nothing, your Scottish has been showing a lot in recent comments. I like it. It makes me think of Scotty from Star Trek (old school Scotty, not the new guy, even though old school Scotty was not Scottish, but Canadian).
'Cause, you know, that's the only exposure to the Scottish people that this insulated Midwestern boy ever had.
"The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension."
THIS! Inspired and inspiring. Would The Keepers consider adding it (or some variation) to the top of The Rules page?
Part of it came from Keeper Jim in his typical sort of concise summation. But that's a great suggestion to add it to The Rules to help set the tone; it might reduce how much hate mail we get.
We discussed this at Cogclave today. We got distracted and bitched about our Rule-related hate mail instead of deciding on whether or not to add it. Stay tuned.
View Comments
@Gianni
I can't believe that thing can stay put atop his dome chasing LeMan
@marko Not even a 550ml bidon.
@withoutanyhills
Use a shock collar.
@marko
Good call. That bidon is an imposter! I've NEVER seen a picture of a Coca Cola bottle like that being used by a pro in the Tour. They always use the smaller bottles because, of course, they just stick their hand up for a fresh one instead of wondering where the hell the next gas station is to refill their bottles. If someone pays over $100 for that, I pity the fool.
@VeloSix
Care to explain?
GART and "Traffic Fashion Nudge." Two instant classics to be added to the Lexicon.
Loves me this article, and all y'all in your own little ways. You're the friends you never knew you were.
See, it's a lonely existence, this insular world of Beers. Never quite feeling like you fit, or that others 'get' what you write. That you shed riders while the true hardmen still disappear around the corner. Riding solo in the tree lined lanes with only a hyperactive devil on your shoulder for company. Attempts at dry humour, tinfoil hat theorising, oversharing of unresearched heresay, laying down a big effort on the keys only to be summarily ignored. Is it because the post, and by inference Beers as an internet construct, sucked? Or, my preference, it is because each post is as close to literary and philosophical perfection, no reply could parallel.
What I do know, is that having a phrase in the lexicon, and to have it used in my very own giddy grown man as teenager type stars in your eyes moment, has validated all of what I have attempted, achieved, and failed at here. Goals my friends, goals.
This, I can show my children, and my children's children.
Merry fucking Christmas to you all!
@wiscot
wiscot, apropos of nothing, your Scottish has been showing a lot in recent comments. I like it. It makes me think of Scotty from Star Trek (old school Scotty, not the new guy, even though old school Scotty was not Scottish, but Canadian).
'Cause, you know, that's the only exposure to the Scottish people that this insulated Midwestern boy ever had.
@Harminator
Dammit. How'd you get ahold of one of my "selfies"?
@Optimiste
Part of it came from Keeper Jim in his typical sort of concise summation. But that's a great suggestion to add it to The Rules to help set the tone; it might reduce how much hate mail we get.
We discussed this at Cogclave today. We got distracted and bitched about our Rule-related hate mail instead of deciding on whether or not to add it. Stay tuned.