You don’t Look this Fantastic by being sensible all the time.
I’m a naturally loud and weird person who expresses excitement through volume. Also, alcohol is supposed to be a depressant, but it doesn’t appear to work for me; all it does is make me happier (and louder) – until I have a little too much at which point I get weirder (a too-happy, too-loud kind of weird). But being a happy person also means you must be a little bit stupid; if you’re smart and paying attention you should be a bit pissed off at something.
Happiness is easier to find if you don’t sweat the nuances of your convictions, something most religious people have already discovered. As soon as you start peeling back the onion on your principles, you’re just going to find things that don’t line up; things that don’t line up invariably lead to questions, questions lead to thinking and suddenly what started off as a simple belief is starting to look an awful lot like work. From this perspective, atheists have it easy; there are no layers when the answer to every question is, “Life’s not fair, deal with it.”
On the other hand, its a lot of fun trying to find balance within contradictions, which is true for my chosen religion, Rule Holism. Some of The Rules build on each other, while others appear to be in conflict. But The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.
These struggles are characterized by those things we know are right and those things we want to be true, something dubbed Of Course, but Maybe by Louis C.K. Here are a handful of examples that I regularly flirt with.
It is very important to watch our diet over the holiday season. Of course. Weight is much easier gained than lost, an effect amplified with age. Of course, we should use restraint and not eat and drink too much over Christmas, especially as we enter the winter months and our inclination is to put on weight like a hibernating bear. Of course. But maybe gaining weight just before we start preparing in earnest for next year is a great way to gain fitness, using gravity assisted resistance training to build strength. Of course, putting enough weight on in December to cause adult-onset diabetes is a stupidly dangerous idea. Of course. But maybe its the only way to really get strong for next year.
Whenever we go out riding, we should bring plenty of food and water to make sure we don’t get dehydrated or suffer la fringale. Of course. But maybe, becoming severely dehydrated effectively raises your hematocrit and being malnourished is a great way to lose weight – both of which would make us better climbers. Of course its dangerous and counter-productive to lose weight this way and we should really improve our climbing by training and dieting properly. But maybe not eating or drinking on one ride is easier than changing dietary habits and eating sensibly.
Cycling is a lifelong undertaking, the practice of which is extended immeasurably by retaining the function of your knees. It therefore follows that to ride a compact is to spare your knees and will extend your ability to ride into old age. Of course – of course; it is reasonable to try and save the knees. But maybe boasting about scaling the neighborhood leg breaker in the 53×17 will intimidate your foes into submission and forever cast you into local legend as The Big Ring Badass. Risking your knees for bragging rights would be foolhardy. But maybe entering the local folklore is worth it.
Whenever we are riding in dark or otherwise dangerous conditions, we should wear high-visibility clothing and employ the use of flashers and lights to make us stand out more to surrounding traffic. Of course; it would be foolish to risk our lives for the sake of fashion. But maybe all that hi-vis clothing just makes you more of a target. Maybe wearing something yellow awakens an ancient impulse in drivers to crowd anything offensively ugly. Of course, we should make ourselves as visible as possible, but maybe getting hit wearing a YJA is just a Traffic Fashion Nudge.
We should always ride wearing a helmet. Of course. Riding without a helmet is foolish and flies in the face of reason. But maybe riding without a helmet, with the wind in your hair (assuming you have hair) or a cycling cap rakishly perched atop your head as you power up a brutal climb is worth the risk of a brain injury. Of course that would be reckless, but maybe we’re not really using our brains anyway.
It goes without saying that with the exception of the Helmet bullet, the Maybe invariably wins out.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
Ha, the Boonen photo pops up! That is really damn awesome. And, one of those things that makes me feel very small, but part of something very big.
How many people have searched "Coca Cola bidon." About 72, world-wide. But heck, I'm pretty familiar with that photo and I "know" the guy who snapped it. That's damn cool.
I was just explaining to a pal last night, over Old Fashioneds, how alcohol, though a depressant, gives me more energy, not less.
Very intrigued by #4 here. It both opens a door, then slams it shut. Ya might wanna get that bright jersey, but ya might get a real serious backhand across the mouth. Hmm.
Alcohol generally charges me up. Turns me angry face into a happy face, makes me louder, happier and I laugh at everything.
However, I confident there is a DHT (Depressant Hydration Threshold) or "K-C2H6O Max" (the rate at which your Kidneys can filter Charismatic Poison from your blood) where I am perpetually in the research phase of defining said threshold...
So far, I have determined, it is the precise moment at which the energizing effect of Post-Ride Recovery Drinks immediately ceases, and the depressant effect take hold. Symptoms are as follows; nothing is funny anymore, everything is too loud, you must hold onto something to keep everything else from moving, and precise mapping of the nearest fluid receptacles begins to take place.
@The Pressure lol, I can't remember which one it is in, but there is a scene where Elizabeth turns up and Jack says quickly, "Hide the rum". Superb movies.
I was just explaining to a pal last night, over Old Fashioneds, how alcohol, though a depressant, gives me more energy, not less.
Very intrigued by #4 here. It both opens a door, then slams it shut. Ya might wanna get that bright jersey, but ya might get a real serious backhand across the mouth. Hmm.
Alcohol generally charges me up. Turns me angry face into a happy face, makes me louder, happier and I laugh at everything.
However, I confident there is a DHT (Depressant Hydration Threshold) or "K-C2H6O Max" (the rate at which your Kidneys can filter Charismatic Poison from your blood) where I am perpetually in the research phase of defining said threshold...
So far, I have determined, it is the precise moment at which the energizing effect of Post-Ride Recovery Drinks immediately ceases, and the depressant effect take hold. Symptoms are as follows; nothing is funny anymore, everything is too loud, you must hold onto something to keep everything else from moving, and precise mapping of the nearest fluid receptacles begins to take place.
Otherwise defined as the moment when perception moves from long distance road cycling to track cycling.
Ha, the Boonen photo pops up! That is really damn awesome. And, one of those things that makes me feel very small, but part of something very big.
How many people have searched "Coca Cola bidon." About 72, world-wide. But heck, I'm pretty familiar with that photo and I "know" the guy who snapped it. That's damn cool.
Best Tommeke photo in existence. But did one of the Keeprs Tour guys take it? I thought it was a pro photo from the race?
Ha, the Boonen photo pops up! That is really damn awesome. And, one of those things that makes me feel very small, but part of something very big.
How many people have searched "Coca Cola bidon." About 72, world-wide. But heck, I'm pretty familiar with that photo and I "know" the guy who snapped it. That's damn cool.
Best Tommeke photo in existence. But did one of the Keeprs Tour guys take it? I thought it was a pro photo from the race?
You are correct; that is a Pro photo. This is the photo I took that poor ol' Ron got confused with.
I was just explaining to a pal last night, over Old Fashioneds, how alcohol, though a depressant, gives me more energy, not less.
Very intrigued by #4 here. It both opens a door, then slams it shut. Ya might wanna get that bright jersey, but ya might get a real serious backhand across the mouth. Hmm.
Alcohol generally charges me up. Turns me angry face into a happy face, makes me louder, happier and I laugh at everything.
However, I confident there is a DHT (Depressant Hydration Threshold) or "K-C2H6O Max" (the rate at which your Kidneys can filter Charismatic Poison from your blood) where I am perpetually in the research phase of defining said threshold...
So far, I have determined, it is the precise moment at which the energizing effect of Post-Ride Recovery Drinks immediately ceases, and the depressant effect take hold. Symptoms are as follows; nothing is funny anymore, everything is too loud, you must hold onto something to keep everything else from moving, and precise mapping of the nearest fluid receptacles begins to take place.
Otherwise defined as the moment when perception moves from long distance road cycling to track cycling.
Of course, everything is going around in circles, but maybe..... I've just exceeded my K-C2H6O Max
@meursault "...problems arose, ensued, were overcome"
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Ha, the Boonen photo pops up! That is really damn awesome. And, one of those things that makes me feel very small, but part of something very big.
How many people have searched "Coca Cola bidon." About 72, world-wide. But heck, I'm pretty familiar with that photo and I "know" the guy who snapped it. That's damn cool.
@Ron
Alcohol generally charges me up. Turns me angry face into a happy face, makes me louder, happier and I laugh at everything.
However, I confident there is a DHT (Depressant Hydration Threshold) or "K-C2H6O Max" (the rate at which your Kidneys can filter Charismatic Poison from your blood) where I am perpetually in the research phase of defining said threshold...
So far, I have determined, it is the precise moment at which the energizing effect of Post-Ride Recovery Drinks immediately ceases, and the depressant effect take hold. Symptoms are as follows; nothing is funny anymore, everything is too loud, you must hold onto something to keep everything else from moving, and precise mapping of the nearest fluid receptacles begins to take place.
@The Pressure lol, I can't remember which one it is in, but there is a scene where Elizabeth turns up and Jack says quickly, "Hide the rum". Superb movies.
@VeloSix
Otherwise defined as the moment when perception moves from long distance road cycling to track cycling.
@Ron
Best Tommeke photo in existence. But did one of the Keeprs Tour guys take it? I thought it was a pro photo from the race?
@frank
Fuckin' BigMig ... that Dude can roll, man.
@Buck Rogers
You are correct; that is a Pro photo. This is the photo I took that poor ol' Ron got confused with.
Fantastic article as usual. Of course. Maybe.
@Teocalli
Of course, everything is going around in circles, but maybe..... I've just exceeded my K-C2H6O Max
@meursault "...problems arose, ensued, were overcome"