Of Course, But Maybe
I’m a naturally loud and weird person who expresses excitement through volume. Also, alcohol is supposed to be a depressant, but it doesn’t appear to work for me; all it does is make me happier (and louder) – until I have a little too much at which point I get weirder (a too-happy, too-loud kind of weird). But being a happy person also means you must be a little bit stupid; if you’re smart and paying attention you should be a bit pissed off at something.
Happiness is easier to find if you don’t sweat the nuances of your convictions, something most religious people have already discovered. As soon as you start peeling back the onion on your principles, you’re just going to find things that don’t line up; things that don’t line up invariably lead to questions, questions lead to thinking and suddenly what started off as a simple belief is starting to look an awful lot like work. From this perspective, atheists have it easy; there are no layers when the answer to every question is, “Life’s not fair, deal with it.”
On the other hand, its a lot of fun trying to find balance within contradictions, which is true for my chosen religion, Rule Holism. Some of The Rules build on each other, while others appear to be in conflict. But The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.
These struggles are characterized by those things we know are right and those things we want to be true, something dubbed Of Course, but Maybe by Louis C.K. Here are a handful of examples that I regularly flirt with.
- It is very important to watch our diet over the holiday season. Of course. Weight is much easier gained than lost, an effect amplified with age. Of course, we should use restraint and not eat and drink too much over Christmas, especially as we enter the winter months and our inclination is to put on weight like a hibernating bear. Of course. But maybe gaining weight just before we start preparing in earnest for next year is a great way to gain fitness, using gravity assisted resistance training to build strength. Of course, putting enough weight on in December to cause adult-onset diabetes is a stupidly dangerous idea. Of course. But maybe its the only way to really get strong for next year.
- Whenever we go out riding, we should bring plenty of food and water to make sure we don’t get dehydrated or suffer la fringale. Of course. But maybe, becoming severely dehydrated effectively raises your hematocrit and being malnourished is a great way to lose weight – both of which would make us better climbers. Of course its dangerous and counter-productive to lose weight this way and we should really improve our climbing by training and dieting properly. But maybe not eating or drinking on one ride is easier than changing dietary habits and eating sensibly.
- Cycling is a lifelong undertaking, the practice of which is extended immeasurably by retaining the function of your knees. It therefore follows that to ride a compact is to spare your knees and will extend your ability to ride into old age. Of course – of course; it is reasonable to try and save the knees. But maybe boasting about scaling the neighborhood leg breaker in the 53×17 will intimidate your foes into submission and forever cast you into local legend as The Big Ring Badass. Risking your knees for bragging rights would be foolhardy. But maybe entering the local folklore is worth it.
- Whenever we are riding in dark or otherwise dangerous conditions, we should wear high-visibility clothing and employ the use of flashers and lights to make us stand out more to surrounding traffic. Of course; it would be foolish to risk our lives for the sake of fashion. But maybe all that hi-vis clothing just makes you more of a target. Maybe wearing something yellow awakens an ancient impulse in drivers to crowd anything offensively ugly. Of course, we should make ourselves as visible as possible, but maybe getting hit wearing a YJA is just a Traffic Fashion Nudge.
- We should always ride wearing a helmet. Of course. Riding without a helmet is foolish and flies in the face of reason. But maybe riding without a helmet, with the wind in your hair (assuming you have hair) or a cycling cap rakishly perched atop your head as you power up a brutal climb is worth the risk of a brain injury. Of course that would be reckless, but maybe we’re not really using our brains anyway.
It goes without saying that with the exception of the Helmet bullet, the Maybe invariably wins out.
GART…LOL
Thanks Frank
On a related note, I just got another xtranormal cartoon from a buddy. “Cycling Explained” Maybe old but new to me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47cGzu6-q40
Chapeau! Opportunities for the elaboration of this theme are infinite in number.
Of course it’s important to be honest and transparent with your VMH about your Cycling expenditures. Of course it reflects negatively on us and our two-wheeled brethren and sistrethen when we get really, visibly, audibly pissed off at drivers who act like ignorant/assholic douchenozzles. Of course it’s bad form to sandbag a weaker rider, or a friend who’s having an off day, simply for the pleasure of watching him suffer. It just goes on. Thanks for the grins this morning. (And Louis CK kicks audience ass. I love how he calls the audience out mid-way through that routine.)
@oldnweak
With regard to the wee video, of course it makes us seem crazy, but maybe, when you compare it to a lot of other things, it’s not so bad. The chick mentions football, baseball and golf. Analyze those three sports to their core constituents and they’re just as daft. To wit: football. Played by mixture of skinny and obese men in a game inherently designed to cause significant head trauma and early onset dementia in many cases, lorded over by a governing body who adopt the same approach as the tobacco companies did (cancer, really? Who knew?) in adopting an ostrich-like posture with regard to risk. Throw in for good measure a “settlement” that lets the NFL off the hook for the hundreds of unknown cases that will come down the pike. Thrown in an equally strong avoidance of any serious drug testing too. And all the players wear lycra pants.
Baseball and golf? Hitting wee balls with sticks. $10K for a bike? Joined a golf club or played a few rounds lately? If golfers played rounds as often as most of us ride, $10K a year would be a bargain.
“The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.”
THIS! Inspired and inspiring. Would The Keepers consider adding it (or some variation) to the top of The Rules page?
Whew… Thanks Frank. Now, I can rest easy in my routine winter breakage of Rule #50 (think Chris Horner, circa 2005). Ok… not that bad… Of course, sporting the facial growth might cause me to be confused for a hippie douche. But maybe, while I’m braving the elements in my Flandrian Best, one should assume I’m just keeping my face warm. Anyway, great article…
A good day today: A good 68km ride with another rider mid-day. Good comprehension of this article. A chicken sandwich from Rushs one hour after the ride while reading this article. And committed to another good 89km ride tomorrow.
A good chicken sandwich!
So you’ve been lurking in a dark corner for the past 4 days thinking philosophically. A great piece as always, but I can’t help but think that I may fail any tests related to Christmas over-indulgence next week.
If there’s one thing that being part of this community has lead me to, it’s to a state of really thinking far more self-critically about all aspects of my cycling life. For that I thank you.
Of course Big Mig could have pulled that cap down a bit so the bill may have shaded his eyes slightly. But maybe it wouldn’t have looked completely awesome, perched high atop his head. He is pulling a Saronni right there.
I for one will be going for the Gravity Assisted Resistance Training route on X-mas day. Just means will have to clock more kms in Jan, what a shame….
Its a constant battle – Garmin on/Garmin Off, EPMS off / Leyzne Caddy Sack on
Glad Ive got some direction when I stray though !
Of course we can spend Xmas day with your Folks, but maybe I can ride there and you can drive the kids!
Jesus, were you drunk when you wrote this? Of course. I have tremendous respect for that.
We need to have a drink some time. This can happen. It should be simple to arrange. I’m usually drinking. In fact I’m drinking right now.
Thank you for making me laugh.
#5 Spot on!!!
Was on a ride with the wife a bit ago and had a nasty fall due to a hidden pot hole due to leaves. I hate wearing a helmet, and when ever she is involved of course I wear a helmet. Her first comment “thank god you had a helmet on”, my response “I didn’t hit my head”, as I bled from half my body and my tyre quickly deflated. I hate hearing I told you so…
Speaking of helmets and CAPS how about that V-Cap!
Three out of five for me.
It was a quiz, right?
Great great great. Haven’t watched any Louis CK in ages. Both made my day.
When you do something, you should burn yourself up completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself.
Shunryu Suzuki~roshi
Well written reminders. Food for thought whilst commencing Gravity Assisted Resistance Training! (And removing soot from my face…). Merry Christmas to all!
I’ve found a Third Way on the Helmet Question. I’ve been wearing a Hovding and a proper cap.
@ChrisO
yea, it was, hell I got a zero
chapeau
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
@withoutanyhills
Welcome! They’re all kinda important but the goal is to adhere, or to aspire to adhere, to as many as possible. Never give up, just find your comfort level.
For example: I live in SE Wisconsin. Weather has been awful lately but Saturday looks like low 30s before snow comes in. A Rule #5 and #9 ride is on the cards.
On the other hand, I violate #24 and count rides in miles, not kilometers,. #28 is nonsense – socks should always be white. #31 I use an EPMS because I have a deep-seated aversion to overloading jersey pockets stemming from childhood trauma of seeing wool and acrylic jerseys streched past the saddle because of too much shit in the rear pockets. I use the smallest possible EPMS I can cram my stuff into. Oh, and Rule #90 – try getting up some of the nasty wee hills ariound here in the big ring. Good luck with that.
Other than that, I think I’m pretty compliant and ride with a clear conscience!
@withoutanyhills
As Capt Barbossa said “the code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules”. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl !
@Frank It looks like you might be right about nobody reading the article. Ergo,
Of course this is a community of Cycling disciples of the Highest Order. But Maybe…
@withoutanyhills
Rule #1
Fuck me, looks like I picked a bad week to start reading the articles.
Awesome pic, though! big Mig is just perfect there.
They should all be required to use only Coke bidon.
Yikes. I almost pulled the trigger on two of these as my brain didn’t process three places in front of the decimal.
http://www.ebay.com/itm/NOS-COCA-COLA-TOUR-DE-FRANCE-LARGE-WATER-BOTTLE-BIDON-MADE-BY-TA-IN-FRANCE-/271317657221?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3f2bcae685
@withoutanyhills
All of them. But remember Grasshopper, the rules are the path. Tread carefully.
@withoutanyhills
Well, I adhere to the Masturbation Principle
@Gianni
I can’t believe that thing can stay put atop his dome chasing LeMan
@marko Not even a 550ml bidon.
@withoutanyhills
Use a shock collar.
@marko
Good call. That bidon is an imposter! I’ve NEVER seen a picture of a Coca Cola bottle like that being used by a pro in the Tour. They always use the smaller bottles because, of course, they just stick their hand up for a fresh one instead of wondering where the hell the next gas station is to refill their bottles. If someone pays over $100 for that, I pity the fool.
@VeloSix
Care to explain?
GART and “Traffic Fashion Nudge.” Two instant classics to be added to the Lexicon.
Loves me this article, and all y’all in your own little ways. You’re the friends you never knew you were.
See, it’s a lonely existence, this insular world of Beers. Never quite feeling like you fit, or that others ‘get’ what you write. That you shed riders while the true hardmen still disappear around the corner. Riding solo in the tree lined lanes with only a hyperactive devil on your shoulder for company. Attempts at dry humour, tinfoil hat theorising, oversharing of unresearched heresay, laying down a big effort on the keys only to be summarily ignored. Is it because the post, and by inference Beers as an internet construct, sucked? Or, my preference, it is because each post is as close to literary and philosophical perfection, no reply could parallel.
What I do know, is that having a phrase in the lexicon, and to have it used in my very own giddy grown man as teenager type stars in your eyes moment, has validated all of what I have attempted, achieved, and failed at here. Goals my friends, goals.
This, I can show my children, and my children’s children.
Merry fucking Christmas to you all!
@wiscot
wiscot, apropos of nothing, your Scottish has been showing a lot in recent comments. I like it. It makes me think of Scotty from Star Trek (old school Scotty, not the new guy, even though old school Scotty was not Scottish, but Canadian).
‘Cause, you know, that’s the only exposure to the Scottish people that this insulated Midwestern boy ever had.
@Harminator
Dammit. How’d you get ahold of one of my “selfies”?
@Optimiste
Part of it came from Keeper Jim in his typical sort of concise summation. But that’s a great suggestion to add it to The Rules to help set the tone; it might reduce how much hate mail we get.
We discussed this at Cogclave today. We got distracted and bitched about our Rule-related hate mail instead of deciding on whether or not to add it. Stay tuned.
@Mike_P
Thank you for that; on the flip side, this community has brought me to taking that same behavior and applying it to my life in general – not just Cycling. And for that, I thank YOU.
@Barracuda
Does not compute. Well, there’s a flicker when the Garmin part comes up, but as for the EMPS, the processor overloads.
@Bill Chris
We are working on the design! This is a delicate process which accelerates with the application of alcohol until so much alcohol has been applied that all the good work gets undone. Two steps forward and all that.
Soon.
@ChrissyOne
No comment, except to say that when one returns home from a particularly stressful day and fixes himself a martini to unwind, one should remember that said day was sufficiently stressful to prohibit eating lunch.
Luckily, I finished the draft before starting on the wine.
@ChrisO
I don’t even really get it, but it made me laugh for the first time in a few days. +1 badge to you, mate.
(I laugh at a lot of jokes I don’t get or didn’t understand.)
@withoutanyhills
@wiscot
Jesus, you two. Two words, Masturbation Principle.
For fucks sake.
The noob is forgiven on account of ignorance (welcome, @withoutanyhills) – but you? Et tu, Wiscote?
I’m hoping you can make the trip out to one of the book signing events we’re brainstorming for the US release so I can smack some sense into you about that EPMS.
@Mike_P
You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman. Perhaps one of the most under-rated movie series. Well, the fourth one sucked, but the first three are fantastic. Johnny Depp is the kind of demented fuck that makes me laugh like someone just told a potty joke and I’m still six.
@Buck Rogers
Those cranks? 182.5mm. I shit you not.
@marko
They’re big bidons anyway. Worthless.
@meursault
Finally.
@unversio
HA! Perfect!
Say what you will about big bidon. I’m not refilling my small one with ditch water 50 km from nowhere.
@marko
I thought I knew you, man…
@frank
Sadly @frank it was my failed attempt at sarcasm, obviously did not work !
Ill now go back to sitting in the corner