You don’t Look this Fantastic by being sensible all the time.
I’m a naturally loud and weird person who expresses excitement through volume. Also, alcohol is supposed to be a depressant, but it doesn’t appear to work for me; all it does is make me happier (and louder) – until I have a little too much at which point I get weirder (a too-happy, too-loud kind of weird). But being a happy person also means you must be a little bit stupid; if you’re smart and paying attention you should be a bit pissed off at something.
Happiness is easier to find if you don’t sweat the nuances of your convictions, something most religious people have already discovered. As soon as you start peeling back the onion on your principles, you’re just going to find things that don’t line up; things that don’t line up invariably lead to questions, questions lead to thinking and suddenly what started off as a simple belief is starting to look an awful lot like work. From this perspective, atheists have it easy; there are no layers when the answer to every question is, “Life’s not fair, deal with it.”
On the other hand, its a lot of fun trying to find balance within contradictions, which is true for my chosen religion, Rule Holism. Some of The Rules build on each other, while others appear to be in conflict. But The Rules lie at the beginning of The Path to La Vie Velominatus, not at the end; learning to balance them against one another and to welcome them all into your life as a Velominatus is a never-ending struggle waged between form and function as we continue along The Path towards transcension.
These struggles are characterized by those things we know are right and those things we want to be true, something dubbed Of Course, but Maybe by Louis C.K. Here are a handful of examples that I regularly flirt with.
It is very important to watch our diet over the holiday season. Of course. Weight is much easier gained than lost, an effect amplified with age. Of course, we should use restraint and not eat and drink too much over Christmas, especially as we enter the winter months and our inclination is to put on weight like a hibernating bear. Of course. But maybe gaining weight just before we start preparing in earnest for next year is a great way to gain fitness, using gravity assisted resistance training to build strength. Of course, putting enough weight on in December to cause adult-onset diabetes is a stupidly dangerous idea. Of course. But maybe its the only way to really get strong for next year.
Whenever we go out riding, we should bring plenty of food and water to make sure we don’t get dehydrated or suffer la fringale. Of course. But maybe, becoming severely dehydrated effectively raises your hematocrit and being malnourished is a great way to lose weight – both of which would make us better climbers. Of course its dangerous and counter-productive to lose weight this way and we should really improve our climbing by training and dieting properly. But maybe not eating or drinking on one ride is easier than changing dietary habits and eating sensibly.
Cycling is a lifelong undertaking, the practice of which is extended immeasurably by retaining the function of your knees. It therefore follows that to ride a compact is to spare your knees and will extend your ability to ride into old age. Of course – of course; it is reasonable to try and save the knees. But maybe boasting about scaling the neighborhood leg breaker in the 53×17 will intimidate your foes into submission and forever cast you into local legend as The Big Ring Badass. Risking your knees for bragging rights would be foolhardy. But maybe entering the local folklore is worth it.
Whenever we are riding in dark or otherwise dangerous conditions, we should wear high-visibility clothing and employ the use of flashers and lights to make us stand out more to surrounding traffic. Of course; it would be foolish to risk our lives for the sake of fashion. But maybe all that hi-vis clothing just makes you more of a target. Maybe wearing something yellow awakens an ancient impulse in drivers to crowd anything offensively ugly. Of course, we should make ourselves as visible as possible, but maybe getting hit wearing a YJA is just a Traffic Fashion Nudge.
We should always ride wearing a helmet. Of course. Riding without a helmet is foolish and flies in the face of reason. But maybe riding without a helmet, with the wind in your hair (assuming you have hair) or a cycling cap rakishly perched atop your head as you power up a brutal climb is worth the risk of a brain injury. Of course that would be reckless, but maybe we’re not really using our brains anyway.
It goes without saying that with the exception of the Helmet bullet, the Maybe invariably wins out.
frank
The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking.
As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it.
Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen.
Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.
If there's one thing that being part of this community has lead me to, it's to a state of really thinking far more self-critically about all aspects of my cycling life. For that I thank you.
Thank you for that; on the flip side, this community has brought me to taking that same behavior and applying it to my life in general - not just Cycling. And for that, I thank YOU.
Was on a ride with the wife a bit ago and had a nasty fall due to a hidden pot hole due to leaves. I hate wearing a helmet, and when ever she is involved of course I wear a helmet. Her first comment "thank god you had a helmet on", my response "I didn't hit my head", as I bled from half my body and my tyre quickly deflated. I hate hearing I told you so...
Speaking of helmets and CAPS how about that V-Cap!
We are working on the design! This is a delicate process which accelerates with the application of alcohol until so much alcohol has been applied that all the good work gets undone. Two steps forward and all that.
Jesus, were you drunk when you wrote this? Of course. I have tremendous respect for that.
We need to have a drink some time. This can happen. It should be simple to arrange. I'm usually drinking. In fact I'm drinking right now.
Thank you for making me laugh.
No comment, except to say that when one returns home from a particularly stressful day and fixes himself a martini to unwind, one should remember that said day was sufficiently stressful to prohibit eating lunch.
Luckily, I finished the draft before starting on the wine.
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
Welcome! They're all kinda important but the goal is to adhere, or to aspire to adhere, to as many as possible. Never give up, just find your comfort level.
For example: I live in SE Wisconsin. Weather has been awful lately but Saturday looks like low 30s before snow comes in. A Rule #5 and #9 ride is on the cards.
On the other hand, I violate #24 and count rides in miles, not kilometers,. #28 is nonsense - socks should always be white. #31 I use an EPMS because I have a deep-seated aversion to overloading jersey pockets stemming from childhood trauma of seeing wool and acrylic jerseys streched past the saddle because of too much shit in the rear pockets. I use the smallest possible EPMS I can cram my stuff into. Oh, and Rule #90 - try getting up some of the nasty wee hills ariound here in the big ring. Good luck with that.
Other than that, I think I'm pretty compliant and ride with a clear conscience!
Jesus, you two. Two words, Masturbation Principle.
For fucks sake.
The noob is forgiven on account of ignorance (welcome, @withoutanyhills) - but you? Et tu, Wiscote?
I'm hoping you can make the trip out to one of the book signing events we're brainstorming for the US release so I can smack some sense into you about that EPMS.
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
As Capt Barbossa said "the code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules". Welcome aboard the Black Pearl !
You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman. Perhaps one of the most under-rated movie series. Well, the fourth one sucked, but the first three are fantastic. Johnny Depp is the kind of demented fuck that makes me laugh like someone just told a potty joke and I'm still six.
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
All of them. But remember Grasshopper, the rules are the path. Tread carefully.
I am wondering, as I try to follow the rules, which ones are the most important for me to stick too? Or is it a case of once one is broken you may as well give up?
Use a shock collar.
HA! Perfect!
Say what you will about big bidon. I'm not refilling my small one with ditch water 50 km from nowhere.
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@Mike_P
Thank you for that; on the flip side, this community has brought me to taking that same behavior and applying it to my life in general - not just Cycling. And for that, I thank YOU.
@Barracuda
Does not compute. Well, there's a flicker when the Garmin part comes up, but as for the EMPS, the processor overloads.
@Bill Chris
We are working on the design! This is a delicate process which accelerates with the application of alcohol until so much alcohol has been applied that all the good work gets undone. Two steps forward and all that.
Soon.
@ChrissyOne
No comment, except to say that when one returns home from a particularly stressful day and fixes himself a martini to unwind, one should remember that said day was sufficiently stressful to prohibit eating lunch.
Luckily, I finished the draft before starting on the wine.
@ChrisO
I don't even really get it, but it made me laugh for the first time in a few days. +1 badge to you, mate.
(I laugh at a lot of jokes I don't get or didn't understand.)
@withoutanyhills
@wiscot
Jesus, you two. Two words, Masturbation Principle.
For fucks sake.
The noob is forgiven on account of ignorance (welcome, @withoutanyhills) - but you? Et tu, Wiscote?
I'm hoping you can make the trip out to one of the book signing events we're brainstorming for the US release so I can smack some sense into you about that EPMS.
@Mike_P
You, sir, are a scholar and a gentleman. Perhaps one of the most under-rated movie series. Well, the fourth one sucked, but the first three are fantastic. Johnny Depp is the kind of demented fuck that makes me laugh like someone just told a potty joke and I'm still six.
@Buck Rogers
Those cranks? 182.5mm. I shit you not.
@marko
They're big bidons anyway. Worthless.
@meursault
Finally.
@unversio
HA! Perfect!
Say what you will about big bidon. I'm not refilling my small one with ditch water 50 km from nowhere.
@marko
I thought I knew you, man...
@frank
Sadly @frank it was my failed attempt at sarcasm, obviously did not work !
Ill now go back to sitting in the corner