Categories: EtiquetteLook ProRiding UglyTradition

Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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View Comments

Sauterelle says:

Jul 16 2013 at 8:08 am

@Dan_R

@Buck Rogers

@Stefan

you care too much.

His name is Stefan. Stefan, HTFU.

HAHHAHAHA.

Hahaha, I was laughing my ass off at that one too.
frank says:

Jul 16 2013 at 8:28 am

I think Cadelephant sat on Good Cadel.
meursault says:

Jul 16 2013 at 9:00 am

@Deakus

@DerHoggz

@frank

@Xyverz

Aside from the unnecessarily long shorts, yes.

Which reminds me, he also has Toad Head. That's a clear violation of the Three-Point System.

As long as we're on the subject, Movistar's Bug Eyed Sprite Adidas shades are deplorable. Can't anyone besides Oakley make a good-look pair of shades?

I'm disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

There is also an issue on the jersey where the yellow version does not have sleeves as long as the usualy Rapha version....this is leading to Rule #7 infractions all over the shop. Can someone have a word with him please?

Don't agree Movistar looking good, those helmets lol.
Angling Saxon says:

Jul 16 2013 at 9:21 am

"Like a praying mantis on a coathanger" is how one of the Eurosport guys described him!
Buck Rogers says:

Jul 16 2013 at 9:31 am

@frank

I think Cadelephant sat on Good Cadel.

Ha! Poor Cuddles. Definitely feeling his age and the Giro today.
Dinan says:

Jul 16 2013 at 10:42 am

I could care less how ugly a bike or a rider's style is perceived. As long as it gets the job done, that's what matter. A win is a win no matter how it looks.

-Dinan
meursault says:

Jul 16 2013 at 10:47 am

@Dinan

I could care less how ugly a bike or a rider's style is perceived. As long as it gets the job done, that's what matter. A win is a win no matter how it looks.

-Dinan

I appreciate the sentiment, but no, you are incorrect.
Dinan says:

Jul 16 2013 at 11:45 am

@meursault

@Dinan

I could care less how ugly a bike or a rider's style is perceived. As long as it gets the job done, that's what matter. A win is a win no matter how it looks.

-Dinan

I appreciate the sentiment, but no, you are incorrect.

We are all welcome to our own opinion. I wouldn't, however, blatantly tell you you're wrong. That's kind of dickish.

Let me know if you're ever around Asheville and we can discuss it out on the road.....

-Dinan
frank says:

Jul 16 2013 at 12:20 pm

@Dinan

I believe his tongue was planted firmly in cheek.

And, he's right - you are wrong. Style is what 95% of what we're talking about. Winning is one thing; winning with class and panache is a whole level above it.

The Prophet wouldn't have been The Prophet were it not for his combination of winning, panache, class, and style.
frank says:

Jul 16 2013 at 12:30 pm

@DerHoggz

I'm disappointed that Froome lost the Jawbones this year.

Speaking from my own experience, I like my Jawbones in cooler weather, but I find them very hot and almost stifling in the heat due to the way they wrap around top and bottom. When its hot, I'll ride my Radars, when its cooler, I'm all over the Jawbones.

Love how they look, though.