Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • Saw this photo of Sylvain and wonder if he is riding a smaller bike for comfort during warm-ups or if that is the regular size frame he rides. Looks scrunched to me, and he has been on a red bike during the Tour.

  • @PeakInTwoYears

    @starclimber

    Speaking of Hinault, I often wish he'd stuffed Lemond and taken his sixth tour. Everything would have changed, everything. Hinault would be The Prophet. Well, no, but closer to, and he was fucking awesome enough to warrant consideration. Lemond wouldn't have been shot, and might have won 7 Tours clean, and COTHO would have known that no amount of perfect doping would have sufficed to better this unassailable tally. He probably would have kept eating cycling shit sandwiches, the perfect fate for him.

    I say Lemond wouldn't have been shot because losing to Hinault for the final time would have been akin to the butterfly's wingbeat in Brazil. All history for him would have been altered. He wouldn't have gone rabbit hunting because he'd have realized the degree of commitment necessary to truly be the best. He'd have turned himself into a cannibal badger to win, because the taste of betrayal, losing yet again despite the promise, would be something he could never again stomach.

    Wow. This is counterfactual history at its best. Chapeau!

    Great conjecture but I believe it has one major flaw:  The assumption that Hinault LET LeMan win in '86.  No way, Brother.  Hinault was attacking and trying to beat LeMan that entire tour and said as much himself.

  • @Buck Rogers

    @PeakInTwoYears

    @starclimber

    Speaking of Hinault, I often wish he'd stuffed Lemond and taken his sixth tour. Everything would have changed, everything. Hinault would be The Prophet. Well, no, but closer to, and he was fucking awesome enough to warrant consideration. Lemond wouldn't have been shot, and might have won 7 Tours clean, and COTHO would have known that no amount of perfect doping would have sufficed to better this unassailable tally. He probably would have kept eating cycling shit sandwiches, the perfect fate for him.

    I say Lemond wouldn't have been shot because losing to Hinault for the final time would have been akin to the butterfly's wingbeat in Brazil. All history for him would have been altered. He wouldn't have gone rabbit hunting because he'd have realized the degree of commitment necessary to truly be the best. He'd have turned himself into a cannibal badger to win, because the taste of betrayal, losing yet again despite the promise, would be something he could never again stomach.

    Wow. This is counterfactual history at its best. Chapeau!

    Great conjecture but I believe it has one major flaw: The assumption that Hinault LET LeMan win in '86. No way, Brother. Hinault was attacking and trying to beat LeMan that entire tour and said as much himself.

    Seconded. Hinault never let anyone win shit. But if you suspend disbelief...

    Also, I think LeMond was too much about work/life balance to ever give up golfing etc.

  • @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    @PeakInTwoYears

    @starclimber

    Speaking of Hinault, I often wish he'd stuffed Lemond and taken his sixth tour. Everything would have changed, everything. Hinault would be The Prophet. Well, no, but closer to, and he was fucking awesome enough to warrant consideration. Lemond wouldn't have been shot, and might have won 7 Tours clean, and COTHO would have known that no amount of perfect doping would have sufficed to better this unassailable tally. He probably would have kept eating cycling shit sandwiches, the perfect fate for him.

    I say Lemond wouldn't have been shot because losing to Hinault for the final time would have been akin to the butterfly's wingbeat in Brazil. All history for him would have been altered. He wouldn't have gone rabbit hunting because he'd have realized the degree of commitment necessary to truly be the best. He'd have turned himself into a cannibal badger to win, because the taste of betrayal, losing yet again despite the promise, would be something he could never again stomach.

    Wow. This is counterfactual history at its best. Chapeau!

    Great conjecture but I believe it has one major flaw: The assumption that Hinault LET LeMan win in '86. No way, Brother. Hinault was attacking and trying to beat LeMan that entire tour and said as much himself.

    Seconded. Hinault never let anyone win shit. But if you suspend disbelief...

    Also, I think LeMond was too much about work/life balance to ever give up golfing etc.

    Golfing and hunting.  He loved/loves them both. 

    And since this is a bit of a cycling history cite, he was shot while turkey hunting with his brother-in-law, not rabbit.  But, totally splitting hairs there and I see your point.  Sorry, is my OCD showing?

  • @Buck Rogers

    @frank

    @Buck Rogers

    @PeakInTwoYears

    @starclimber

    Speaking of Hinault, I often wish he'd stuffed Lemond and taken his sixth tour. Everything would have changed, everything. Hinault would be The Prophet. Well, no, but closer to, and he was fucking awesome enough to warrant consideration. Lemond wouldn't have been shot, and might have won 7 Tours clean, and COTHO would have known that no amount of perfect doping would have sufficed to better this unassailable tally. He probably would have kept eating cycling shit sandwiches, the perfect fate for him.

    I say Lemond wouldn't have been shot because losing to Hinault for the final time would have been akin to the butterfly's wingbeat in Brazil. All history for him would have been altered. He wouldn't have gone rabbit hunting because he'd have realized the degree of commitment necessary to truly be the best. He'd have turned himself into a cannibal badger to win, because the taste of betrayal, losing yet again despite the promise, would be something he could never again stomach.

    Wow. This is counterfactual history at its best. Chapeau!

    Great conjecture but I believe it has one major flaw: The assumption that Hinault LET LeMan win in '86. No way, Brother. Hinault was attacking and trying to beat LeMan that entire tour and said as much himself.

    Seconded. Hinault never let anyone win shit. But if you suspend disbelief...

    Also, I think LeMond was too much about work/life balance to ever give up golfing etc.

    Golfing and hunting. He loved/loves them both.

    And since this is a bit of a cycling history cite, he was shot while turkey hunting with his brother-in-law, not rabbit. But, totally splitting hairs there and I see your point. Sorry, is my OCD showing?

    No, turkey hunting has credibility, rabbit hunting does not.

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