Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

View Comments

  • Oh come on! He's in yellow, he's gained a minute and a half on his rivals, and he attacks the only man left standing to win the stage by thirty seconds. The Ventoux on the hundredth tour. What does he have to do to impress lesser cyclists. I despair...

  • @Oldnslowly

    Oh come on! He's in yellow, he's gained a minute and a half on his rivals, and he attacks the only man left standing to win the stage by thirty seconds. The Ventoux on the hundredth tour. What does he have to do to impress lesser cyclists. I despair...

    Not sure about lesser cyclist but for Velominati he needs to look fuck'in FANTASTIC while doing it.

  • Watching yesterday's highlights again and I think the "problem" is his compact bars. For a guy with such long arms, when he gets out of the saddle, it looks like he's still on the tops, which looks horrendous.

    Comparing the pic above with this one from the 2010 Giro, he seems to have reduced his reach considerably:

    Here's last year's Vuelta:

    ...where he seems to have the reduced reach. I can't find a comparable angle from the 2011 Vuelta, but he seems a bit more stretched out there, too.

    So, I wonder:

    1. What prompted the change in set-up at Team Sky? It looks very wrong, but it's clearly working.

    2. An injury and this mitigates the discomfort?

    3. I'd also like to know what gearing he was using yesterday. Sean Kelly seemed to indicate that the peloton would likely be riding 39x23/25, but the speed of Froome's acceleration has me wondering if he had smaller gearing, too.

  • I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I didn't like skinny little Mexicans that casually chat next to me as they climb in their big ring whilst I'm at redline in a 50-28.  One of the things that makes riding with my friend Abel tolerable is the realization that though I am taller than him, when our bikes are side by side, my handlebars are quite a bit lower than his.

  • Froome's style problems also include the fact that he looks like a reptile.  Certainly he's mostly humanoid in form, but if you look at his face it's impossible not to picture him snapping up any flies unfortunate enough to pass by while he's on the podium.  I expect that he would have made quick work of the legions of butterflies that must have been perched on Grimpito's spokes when he finally reached the finish on Sunday.

  • @frank

    @cantona

    Ugliest riding style since Cadel "I stole a kids BMX" Evans

    Cuddles rides like he's trying to crush his bike to deal out of spite.

    Paradoxically, he looks stunning on a TT bike.

    Don't you mean that his TT bike looks stunning until he gets on it?  I know it is an optical illusion of sorts, but his knees are literally lifting over his elbows.  It may very well be a fast position, but I see nothing redeeming about the look.

  • @Steampunk

    Watching yesterday's highlights again and I think the "problem" is his compact bars. For a guy with such long arms, when he gets out of the saddle, it looks like he's still on the tops, which looks horrendous.

    Comparing the pic above with this one from the 2010 Giro, he seems to have reduced his reach considerably:

    Here's last year's Vuelta:

    ...where he seems to have the reduced reach. I can't find a comparable angle from the 2011 Vuelta, but he seems a bit more stretched out there, too.

    So, I wonder:

    1. What prompted the change in set-up at Team Sky? It looks very wrong, but it's clearly working.

    2. An injury and this mitigates the discomfort?

    3. I'd also like to know what gearing he was using yesterday. Sean Kelly seemed to indicate that the peloton would likely be riding 39×23/25, but the speed of Froome's acceleration has me wondering if he had smaller gearing, too.

    Are you sure that change in reach is not his position on the saddle, in one shot he is on the rivet, in the other he is looking more comfortable?

  • @Deakus

    Could be. This was hardly a scientific survey I compiled. But the stem in the first pic looks distinctly longer. Top tube, too?

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