Riding Ugly: The Spider

Too low and too short. Photo: Montreal Gazette

There are lots of things to like about Vroomie Froomie, like his willingness to accept the fact that people are inclined to question his performances. Aside from me resenting him for leading a Tour which everyday becomes a little less exciting, he seems quite a likable guy; he is polite, respectful of the sport, wears team-issue bibs with his yellow jersey, his bike is only subtly yellow’d out, and he hasn’t publicly called anyone a c*nt that I’m aware of. That last point alone represents a refreshing change from last year.

When KRX10 and I worked together during the Dot-Bomb, we used to keep a miniature bike in our office, which we would use to do 6-corner time-trials around the office floor. I’m assuming someone must have made videos of those races and that they must have gone viral in Kenya, because it appears Froome modeled his position after ours on those tiny bikes.

I haven’t seen anyone ride in a position like his since Sean Kelly, except Sean always Looked Fantastic. His saddle is too low, his reach is too short, his back is too hunched, and his heels and elbows are pointed out like he’s trying to stomp on a Smurf. And, from the looks of his shoes, it appears he has been successful. I would very much appreciate it if he would sort himself out and attain a more pleasant position on the bike. I don’t care that he can make it go like a nutter; it’s an affront to my sense of aesthetics to see him hunched up like a spider humping a lightbulb.

And everyone knows that Science has proven spiders to be icky on account of having too many appendages.

frank

The founder of Velominati and curator of The Rules, Frank was born in the Dutch colonies of Minnesota. His boundless physical talents are carefully canceled out by his equally boundless enthusiasm for drinking. Coffee, beer, wine, if it’s in a container, he will enjoy it, a lot of it. He currently lives in Seattle. He loves riding in the rain and scheduling visits with the Man with the Hammer just to be reminded of the privilege it is to feel completely depleted. He holds down a technology job the description of which no-one really understands and his interests outside of Cycling and drinking are Cycling and drinking. As devoted aesthete, the only thing more important to him than riding a bike well is looking good doing it. Frank is co-author along with the other Keepers of the Cog of the popular book, The Rules, The Way of the Cycling Disciple and also writes a monthly column for the magazine, Cyclist. He is also currently working on the first follow-up to The Rules, tentatively entitled The Hardmen. Email him directly at rouleur@velominati.com.

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  • @Steampunk

    Interesting that he's also playing with stack height. He's got a spacer in the second but none in the first, though they switched from deda stems at 8 degrees to PRO stems at 10 degrees, which might account for the change in bar height, now that I think of it.

    But I did notice somewhere today that he's got yet another spacer config on his bike this year, so he seems to be very willing to futz about with his position. Quite dramatically, it would appear.

    @Zman

    It has little to do with frame size; he just needs to raise his saddle and chuck in a belgian-sized stem!

  • @gregorio

    @Chris SPD sandals = nightmare at the velodrome. This hits at the core: cyclist vs. bike rider.

    On a long ride last weekend I couldn't avoid catching up to an individual with whom I didn't want to compete even implicitly because I saw the sleeveless jersey from quite a distance. So eventually I caught this person and it turned out to be Brian--if Brian were a MILF in SPD sandals. It actually took a while to get up to her wheel.

  • @women

    I apologize on behalf of men everywhere. In case this fact has escaped you, we are hopelessly excitable when it comes to boobs. They don't even have to be nice boobs - any boobs will do, particularly when the woman in charge of said boobs is willing to put them on display, even partially.

    Please keep coming to the site - all three of you - and eventually @Bianchi Denti, @Marcus, and @Buck Rogers will die of old age and the site will be more respectful. As women live longer than men, you'll luckily live long enough to experience it, probably on account of our making horrible decisions when presented with the opportunity to look at a pair of boobs.

  • @frank

    @Gianni

    @Nate

    Yes, it should be automatically replaced with this. Warning! Turn off audio or your brain will be permanently damaged.

    I actually think I might be able to do that. Stand by. Might not be perfect, but over time I'll catch all the versions of that stupid image.

    Or, easier might be just to block @Marcus.

    That would be a pity.  The mantle of Australia is tailor made for the chip on his shoulder.

  • @frank in relation to such matters, and in spite of Rule 42, i have quite possibly found a reason to breach said rule.

    Couple of friends did the Challenge Roth on the weekend (a very famous German iron-distance triathlon, just not run by Ironman) - other than the Solarer Berg which is like a mini TdF col with fans and beer, those crazy Germans also have something else. Unisex showers at the end of the race. That's right, unisex showers!!!!!

    The fellas cannot recall ever being cleaner.

  • @Nate yeah Nate and you have got that whole East Coast-West Coast thing happening with chips on both your shoulders.

  • @Marcus

    @Nate yeah Nate and you have got that whole East Coast-West Coast thing happening with chips on both your shoulders.

    At least he's balanced.

  • @Marcus Huh?  I'll admit to having chips on both shoulders when I was growing up in the midwest, but that's long ago.

    @Marcus

    @frank in relation to such matters, and in spite of Rule #42, i have quite possibly found a reason to breach said rule.

    Couple of friends did the Challenge Roth on the weekend (a very famous German iron-distance triathlon, just not run by Ironman) - other than the Solarer Berg which is like a mini TdF col with fans and beer, those crazy Germans also have something else. Unisex showers at the end of the race. That's right, unisex showers!!!!!

    The fellas cannot recall ever being cleaner.

    @frank we would hate to lose gems like this.

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